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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

316 replies

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:37

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 13/07/2026 14:57

See I think if she had refused to do something for you that would be out of order. It's not her though. It's her daughter. I know she replied right away but her daughter may have already made it clear she's fully booked, or won't do favours for her mum, or maybe there's something going on in her life you don't know about and isn't your business.

newfriend05 · 13/07/2026 14:57

Next time she asks for DIY help
Just reply DH doesn’t do DIY anymore just for us and DC ( if you have any )

Newgirls · 13/07/2026 14:55

her message could have meant that her daughter doesn’t like doing it really or isn’t good at it (maybe she got negative reviews?). I wouldn’t be upset about it at all. It’s also quite an intimate thing?

your husband doing diy is another matter. He can simply say no next time it comes up as it sounds like it has become far too often

TwoCatsThe · 13/07/2026 14:55

She was tactless in her phrasing. Maybe because she was embarrassed. Her daughter has obviously made it clear she doesn’t want to do your nails.

It’s quite uncomfortable, isn’t it. Sorry this happened. We can be generous, it doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.

Kokonimater · 13/07/2026 14:54

That’s the trouble with doing lots of favours for people. We subconsciously hold on to it and feel surprised when something isn’t reciprocated. It’s totally understandable. Maybe your husband needs to pull back a bit. And it might have been better if you’d contacted the daughter directly. You must know her well after all these years?

Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:54

Fluffyholeysocks · 13/07/2026 14:52

Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

😂love this

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:53

AnonymityAnonymity · 13/07/2026 14:49

I absolutely agree with @OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving

The fact you and your DH have done so much for them and they haven't reciprocated or acknowledged this in any way indicates they are life's takers whilst you and your DH are life's givers.

Please don't bother doing anything else for tthm.

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:53

lechatnoir · 13/07/2026 14:46

There's really nothing to sort - she said her daughter wasn't doing nails outside her own & mum. No reply needed so no reason for her to assume there's an issue or 'check in' about it. Move on.

And if you/DH don't want to offer DIY help, then don't. You presumably are doing this for your friends not their daughter and if it bothers you that much then next time just say sorry no can do.

Move on and try not to overthink a very innocuous exchange.

Just to clarify, we don't offer DIY help, my friend asks when they need something doing and my DH has always been happy to help, including jobs for her DD.

Also, it's not normal for us to stop messaging each other. We usually chat several times a week, so two weeks of silence is unusual for us.

OP posts:
Fluffyholeysocks · 13/07/2026 14:52

Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:51

I completely get her DD didn't owe me anything. I think what's upset me is that, after everything my DH has done for all of them over the years (including putting up her DD's TV and shelving, assembling her bed etc.), I'd have hoped my friend would at least ask. If the answer was still no, I'd have accepted that.

She may well have asked her previously and already known the answer, but if that's the case I'd have preferred her just to say, "I did ask her and she doesn't want to do anyone else's nails anymore," rather than simply saying, "She only does mine and her own."

OP posts:
AnonymityAnonymity · 13/07/2026 14:49

I absolutely agree with @OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving

The fact you and your DH have done so much for them and they haven't reciprocated or acknowledged this in any way indicates they are life's takers whilst you and your DH are life's givers.

Please don't bother doing anything else for tthm.

lechatnoir · 13/07/2026 14:46

There's really nothing to sort - she said her daughter wasn't doing nails outside her own & mum. No reply needed so no reason for her to assume there's an issue or 'check in' about it. Move on.

And if you/DH don't want to offer DIY help, then don't. You presumably are doing this for your friends not their daughter and if it bothers you that much then next time just say sorry no can do.

Move on and try not to overthink a very innocuous exchange.

OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving · 13/07/2026 14:44

You're definitely NBU. I would feel exactly the same way as you do OP. l personally couldn't have allowed someone to do all those jobs in my home without payment of some kind. Be that cash, vouchers to go for a meal, a night away etc. I think you and your husband have been incredibly kind to your "friend" and she has totally taken advantage of that kindness. I'd be tempted to let her birthday come and go without so much as a card. If her daughter isn't doing nails fair enough, she could have treated you to a salon visit before you went away. Enjoy your holiday 💐

takealettermsjones · 13/07/2026 14:42

It's hard to call as, like you said, her DD is an independent adult. Is it possible she did ask her DD after you'd mentioned it at your house, the DD said no, and then your friend felt awkward about it and waited until you messaged to tell you no?

swqa · 13/07/2026 14:41

I think it's fair enough if her DD doesn't do nails anymore and wasn't involved in asking for free work from your DH.

She doesn't own the house he decided to do DIY in so it's really nothing to do with her.

ThirdStorm · 13/07/2026 14:41

I don't think it was her favour to give to you. Perhaps she was able to respond quickly because she knew her daughter absolutely wouldn't consider doing it (for whatever reason) so no need to check again.