AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

There may have been a fear from the daughter that she would have been expected to do your nails regularly so refused a first time.

Having said that the reply from your friend was inconsiderate & lacking in care especially given everything she has received help with in the past. I seriously don't know how people like that live with themselves. I don't think it's enough to end the friendship but I'd definitely take a huge step back in helping her in the future with DIY.

This.

She may have already asked DD and DD said no. You can't hold it against her because her adult daughter won't do you a favour! If you were going to pay her anyway just go to the salon! It has nothing to do with your DH choosing to help your friends out with DIY - he's a grown man and can make his own decision on that.

Realistically it wasn’t in her gift to give someone else’s time away for free.
, but I can see how the not-asking the DD could be upsetting.

she wouldn’t be getting anymore favours though…..

Her daughter doesn’t owe you any favours though. It’s the husband and wife who do.

@FeelDeflated Why in gods name has your DH been doing all her DIY for years? They sound like a normal, healthy family and presumably not poverty stricken either. Her husband can't be that useless. Even I'm not and that's really saying something. Have they never offered you so much as a bottle of wine or a few reciprocal favours at some point? If not, then you've been proper mugs haven't you, and I can see why she's stayed friends with you for so long.

DD probably told her she doesn’t want to do it for anyone except her mum because people are constantly asking.

Absolutely this. Yes of course her DD doesnt have to do you a favour but as you said, its really mean spirited of her not to even ask her.

Stop giving so much to her when you are getting nothing back. Relationships ought to at least be fairly reciprocal and frankly, it sounds like she is just constantly taking from you and never giving back.

Stop running to help her! tell her that your DH is now so busy he only does DIY in his own home. She has literally no comeback to that!

This.

It is absolutely insane to me that you are thinking of ending a 30 year friendship over this, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Presumably she had previously spoken to her daughter about it so knew her answer, and maybe she was distracted/in a hurry so didn’t phrase it perfectly but that just shouldn’t be a big issue.

So maybe the strength of your reaction tells you that subconsciously you were feeling like the friendship had an issue before this? Looking back on it do you think there’s a general pattern where she takes more than she gives? I mean obviously you’ve said your husband does DIY for them, but other than that do things feel even?

It's cheeky. Dont do any more favours for them. Just say we only do our own next time she wants anything.

P. S. I had a good friend, for over a decade. Saw her though her DD's very difficult adolescence and a problematic divorce. Helped her move house, and was a safety net on the Christmas when she had no-where to go.

Then, one Christmas, I declined to host the friendship group get-together and suggested perhaps my friend could do it this year. End of friendship. My role was to give and not expect, apparently.

I think her tone was at fault, especially if the possibility DD would donyour nails had already been raised. She could have softened the message.

If she has been a good friend for 30 years I'd do what you've always done for her birthday ( otherwise you'll be in put in the wrong - "she cut me off just because DD wouldn't do her nails!). But I'd be stepping well back with the favours, and having a good old think about whether she has ever helped me out much.

Yanbu. In this situation I would have heavily encouraged my dd to do your nails (though maybe she has). And if she refused I would have been apologetic and given an explanation as to why (too busy. Too out of practice or whatever). Her response is blunt.
Having said that perhaps she has just been a bit thoughtless. Not realised the offence she has caused. In her head she is maybe thinking its just nails. You can get them done wherever.
I would be saying no the next time she wants help with diy but dont think is worth falling out over if she is otherwise kind/good company.

Would you really end a 30 year friendship because you didn't get your nails done by your friend's daughter? That seems utterly ridiculous to me.

The fact you and your DH have done so much for them and they haven't reciprocated or acknowledged this in any way indicates they are life's takers whilst you and your DH are life's givers.

What has the OP done?

I've scrolled back but can't see?

Unless you have the clear feeling that you want out of the friendship, I'd talk face to face and tell her why you're upset. If the friendship seemed lopsided even without this last issue then your reaction to your friend's lack of attention to your request about the nails may legitimately be "the last straw" for you. It may also feel like she wasn't listening when you originally asked her about the nails, or that she completely forgot about something that was important to you.

I'd probably have interpreted her quick response while on holiday to mean that she HAD asked her daughter, daughter said no, and friend had forgotten to tell you until you asked, not that she hadn't bothered to ask her daughter. In your place, I would have reminded her of the earlier conversation and restated that you know daughter has closed shop but hoped she'd help you out this once since she still had the expertise and kit, and you'd pay for time and materials. As she was on holiday when you texted and then you went on holiday the following week, is the two weeks of silence really meaningful or is it possibly just both of you being out of your usual routine? Are you both back home?

But YOU are asking for a favour to be returned to YOU when you did none of the DIY.

And you're asking the person who didn't ASK for any DIY to be done.

The mind boggles as to why you should get your nails done and she should do them for you under these circumstances.

I could understand if it was your husband asking your friend and her husband for a favour, but why does any of his work mean that you should get a favour?

This 💯

Perhaps she was able to respond because her daughter had told her she doesn't want to do anyone's nails anymore.
I wouldn't lose a friendship over it. Unless you were questioning it anyway

This 💯
I’d be sad too.

As the saying goes
“Eaten bread is soon forgotten”
which means that some people forget kindness has been shown to them and they don’t reciprocate.

Thankfully not all people are like that.

I would keep the non communication going and see if she ever gets back in touch with you @FeelDeflated . If she does and her message is one asking for a 'favour' from your DH you will know exactly where you stand in her priorities.

Have your own boundaries though and don't leave yourself open to any more hurt.

And go and get those nails done by a professional, decent nail artisit and if you just happen to see your friend in passing wave with the back of your hand! 💅😻

Sounds like your side is doing all the giving and, whilst I agree it’s not her favour to give, I’m going to bet that your relationship, in general, is pretty one-sided. Surely she could have had a word with her daughter.
Maybe it’s time to really assess this relationship…

She shut you up pretty quickly. Clearly hadn't asked her DD and was making it clear she wouldn't ask her either. Rude and dismissive. You were hurt and you were right not to reply. Interesting she hasn't contacted you for 2 weeks. Not as good a friend as you had thought.
You know what to do next time your husband is asked to do something for her or her family.

Is it not possible that she has assumed you would infer 'ive asked her before and its a no' from what she said though? How else would she know her DD only does hers/her own, unless her daughter has explicitly said that in the past, so isnt the subtext obvious here? Sorry if i've misunderstood.