AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

Don’t get this- she was there for you when you really needed a friend but you ended the friendship because she sent you a nice happy christmas message and didn’t chase you up when you didn’t wish her happy Christmas too? 🤔 or am I misunderstanding?

OP- I do think it was off of her - something about the tone and the way she shut it down instantly as though it was wrong of you to ask and it wasn’t even on the table.

like lots of other posters, I’ve had a friendship fall down once I needed some support myself after being the main support giver and it feels pretty horrible when the realisation hits. Sorry. Hope you get your nails done nicely anyway.

That's mean of her esp after dh has done DIY for the dd too. Your friend could've explained that to her dd & asked her to do it as a favour.
You know what to do if any more requests come along.
I ended a friendship after it was all one way. Their message to me was wishing me a happy Christmas. I didn't respond & they didn't even check that I was ok. I have been through a really bad time & she was there for me when I really needed a friend.

I am is a similar position to your friend as in my daughter is a photographer who friends of mine sometimes ask favours via me like last minute headshots.

My go to solution is I pay DD without mentioning anything, obviously DD still fits them in last minute at some inconvenience.

I think I would see your ‘friend’ very differently now.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

This alone means she’s not the friend you think she is, and her reply to you in the first place suggests she gives less than zero shits about helping you out or considering your feelings. A good friend who appreciated everything you’d done for her over the years would ask her daughter before replying in such an offhand manner, and if the answer was no, would at least frame it with an apology. It’s understandable the daughter may be pissed off with constant requests for freebies, but there’s also a reciprocal issue here.

If you’re happy to continue the friendship, you need to reframe the terms of engagement. As a pp said, that’d mean at the very least declining any more DIY help on the basis you’re just doing it for yourselves now.

Perfect response

I think your being very unfair in holding your friend responsible for her DD not wanting to do your nails. I can understand being disappointed, I can't understand ignoring your friend over it. The quick response indicates her DD had already told her she wouldn't do your nails. They could've had an argument over it for all you know.

So sad. Unfortunately some people are like this. I thought I had a really good friend ; our kids were friends and she worked and I didn't so often took her dc to and from school, watched her cats and plants when she went on holidays, supported her emotionally and practically when her dad passed away. And then our children started secondary in different schools and she completely ghosted me. When we run in to each other she says hi with a big smile. I nod politely but don't linger. Just a hypocrite user- I got discarded the minute she didn't need me.

This is the lesson. It really isn’t about the daughter, it is about the persistently unbalanced relationship.

This....tell her your DH bones are becoming a bit creaky and he's slowing down a bit more now.

No good deed goes unpunished . . .

I'd be pissed off too, but then I don't give freebies anymore since a friend asked for legal advice and he and his partner then proceeded to have a row in front of us and I've not heard from them since - thankfully 😎

So what, it's her parent's house so she'll have no say in who does the DIY.

Not that the OP did it anyway!

Also if you were happy to pay then maybe your friend didn’t think it was a big deal turning you down because you can easily find someone else to pay to do your nails. Honestly I think you should message your friend and check in on how she’s doing and say let’s catch up before you flush a 30 year friendship down the toilet.

She still lives in it though! She still gets the benefit of living in and inviting friends over to a house where the toilet door locks/lights work/sleeps on a bed rather than a mattress on the floor and whatever else OP's DH has done to help out.

Even if the DD said no, the friend could have been a lot more apologetic rather than a blanket 'no soz.' Personally if someone had helped me out that much I would have offered to pay for OP to get her nails done somewhere else. But tbh if someone had helped me out that much I wouldn't wait until they asked me for a minor favour and would have insisted on giving them something in gratitude beforehand, whether that's paying for a few meals out/nice bottle of wine each time he came round or whatever.

I would feel 100% the same OP. Friendship shouldn't be exactly transactional but at the same time it shouldn't be 99%/1% either.

Well it sounds like it’s your DH who has done so much for them so not sure why you think you are owed the favour? Bit cheeky that you think that some how your DH’s hard work entitles you to free nails from the DD of the recipients of his kindness.

As you say, daughter is an adult. She doesn't do nail professionally anymore, even for mates. End of story.

It's not some horrendous aside against you by the woman's mother. Why should she pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do?

There's a million and one other people actually currently doing nails who'd happily take your money.

Don't let this ruin your friendship. The daughter is her own person. Who no longer does nails. Which is fine.

I think it’s weird that you are so upset about her daughter not doing your nails, if DH was upset she wouldn’t do his nails it’d make more sense. You were willing to pay anyway so just find someone else. If you aren’t happy with DH doing her DIY anymore then next time she asks just say he’s not doing it for anyone other than you anymore. It’s not worth the upset and drama you are putting on it though.

Perfectly put

they are takers OP - don’t give any more

Or the OP who didn't do the DIY!

I agree with this, it’s all a bit weird to me. I think you are reading to much into her reply and the speed of it, sounds like she’s had the conversation with her daughter previously and so already knew what her stance was. I can’t imagine losing a long friendship over her daughter not wanting to do your nails!!

Does she normally contact you or your Dh direct to ask for favours? Given you were expecting to pay, I don’t see it as asking for a ‘favour’ for her dd to do your nails.

I think you're being unreasonable. Your DH is the one who has given his time and it sounds like he has done this freely. For all you know other people have asked her DD if she'll do their nails and she's declined as she doesn't want to / doesn't enjoy it – therefore it's not unreasonable for your friend not to have asked her DD and just answered the truth.

Unless she's been a shit friend in general, it would be very silly to get this het up over some nails.

Why are you hurt? None of this has anything to do with the adult daughter.

Crucial question is will your husband refuse to do her jobs or is he a big people pleaser and be unable to say no? Imagine how annoying if she asks you to borrow him and you say no so she asks him and he says yes.

She’s charming… what a user. No more helping her.

Perfect response!