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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

316 replies

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:37

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years.

We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD.

My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment.

Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free.

A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.”

I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive.

I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided.

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

OP posts:
TheBlueKoala · 13/07/2026 20:49

maxslice · 13/07/2026 20:38

Well, it seems you’re keeping score with your friends, who does what and who owes what to whom. If her daughter is at a place at this moment where she only does her mother’s nails and her own, you should respect that. It’s not a slight to you. You’ll probably find you’ll be much happier if you don’t keep score and just allow each other grace.

No, @FeelDeflated doesn't need to keep scores. It's quite easy when one person is doing all the taking and the other all the giving. I presume you're a taker because that's exactly how someone like that would gaslight the constant giver; "one shouldn't keep scores with friends.."

JuliaBraverman · 13/07/2026 20:48

maxslice · 13/07/2026 20:38

Well, it seems you’re keeping score with your friends, who does what and who owes what to whom. If her daughter is at a place at this moment where she only does her mother’s nails and her own, you should respect that. It’s not a slight to you. You’ll probably find you’ll be much happier if you don’t keep score and just allow each other grace.

Unbelievable

JuliaBraverman · 13/07/2026 20:47

swqa · 13/07/2026 20:30

But what have YOU actually done?

You still haven't really said.

Show quote history

If it wasn’t for the OP, nothing would be done as that’s how they know her DH.

HB1625 · 13/07/2026 20:45

With all the favours they've asked for, I can see why you're upset.

It wouldn't have hurt the daughter to do your nails as a one off. It wouldn't have hurt the mom to have a word with her daughter and ask her to do this for you.

I think she hasn't messaged you again because she knows how her response would have been received and she probably doesn't know what to say to you. You ask for just one thing in return and get knocked back. That's poor.

If she had an ounce of decency, she'll know better than to ask for any more favours. I definitely would do what lots have suggested 'my husband only does diy for us now.'

Shelleyblueeyes · 13/07/2026 20:44

Now is the time for your H to step back from all the jobs he does.

I'm on the other end of the situation. My BIL is very handy and I do ask him to do jobs for us because it's so expensive getting people in and he says he enjoys fixing things etc.

But if there is anything I am able to do for my BIL and DS and their family I make sure I do.

X

MaidOfSteel · 13/07/2026 20:42

If I was your friend, knowing how much you’d love to have your nails done, and thinking about all the money your husband had saved me by doing work around my house for years and for free, I would have paid for you to have your nails done at a local salon.

maxslice · 13/07/2026 20:38

Well, it seems you’re keeping score with your friends, who does what and who owes what to whom. If her daughter is at a place at this moment where she only does her mother’s nails and her own, you should respect that. It’s not a slight to you. You’ll probably find you’ll be much happier if you don’t keep score and just allow each other grace.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/07/2026 20:37

Walkerzoo · 13/07/2026 20:33

Frig that.
Get your nails done somewhere else and noore free DIY

From someone who needs DIY I would do other jobs to say thank you.. She won't so put her to pasture

So a friendship is transactional that’s right?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/07/2026 20:36

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:06

Because my friend asked for all the favours through me, and I’ve also give given my time whilst my DH was doing all the jobs. I’ve been in her DD‘s life since she was born. And my DH has done favours for her DD too , as I mentioned in a previous post, he’s done her bedroom up for her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Wait, because you’ve been in her daughter’s life since she was a baby you expect her to do your nails (paid or not) as a favour from her to you? Some daughter’s of a close friend would do this, some wouldn’t. Neither the mother nor the daughter have to justify this to you or anyone else if they don’t want to do it though.

My own ex manicurist didn’t like doing home manicures for certain clients including me. Her choice.

MeatyMagda · 13/07/2026 20:36

Your friend is a taker. There are so many of them and I’m sick of them. I’ve been actively trying to do less favours for people who don’t deserve them recently, it’s a surprisingly difficult pattern to break.

Walkerzoo · 13/07/2026 20:33

Frig that.
Get your nails done somewhere else and noore free DIY

From someone who needs DIY I would do other jobs to say thank you.. She won't so put her to pasture

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/07/2026 20:33

It’s her daughter’s business what she does now, not down to her mum to decide for her. The daughter might feel like she has to do manicures (paid) for you going forward, which she may not want to do.

swqa · 13/07/2026 20:30

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:06

Because my friend asked for all the favours through me, and I’ve also give given my time whilst my DH was doing all the jobs. I’ve been in her DD‘s life since she was born. And my DH has done favours for her DD too , as I mentioned in a previous post, he’s done her bedroom up for her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

But what have YOU actually done?

You still haven't really said.

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 13/07/2026 20:29

I can't believe that your husband did all those things for them for free. What a nice guy he is.

But they obviously are users and don't appreciate how much he has done for them.

I hope your husband isn't going to do anything for them now.

Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:24

latetothefisting · 13/07/2026 18:09

She still lives in it though! She still gets the benefit of living in and inviting friends over to a house where the toilet door locks/lights work/sleeps on a bed rather than a mattress on the floor and whatever else OP's DH has done to help out.

Even if the DD said no, the friend could have been a lot more apologetic rather than a blanket 'no soz.' Personally if someone had helped me out that much I would have offered to pay for OP to get her nails done somewhere else. But tbh if someone had helped me out that much I wouldn't wait until they asked me for a minor favour and would have insisted on giving them something in gratitude beforehand, whether that's paying for a few meals out/nice bottle of wine each time he came round or whatever.

I would feel 100% the same OP. Friendship shouldn't be exactly transactional but at the same time it shouldn't be 99%/1% either.

Edited
Show quote history

This is how I feel, it was the dismissive way she came back to my message, and I offered to pay too, I wasn’t expecting a freebie. Just feels very one sided

OP posts:
JuliaBraverman · 13/07/2026 20:22

Hatty65 · 13/07/2026 20:03

This would absolutely be my answer. It's perfect.

Show quote history

This is perfect!

pimplebum · 13/07/2026 20:20

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:53

Just to clarify, we don't offer DIY help, my friend asks when they need something doing and my DH has always been happy to help, including jobs for her DD.

Also, it's not normal for us to stop messaging each other. We usually chat several times a week, so two weeks of silence is unusual for us.

Show quote history

She should have offered a for nails

bit odd to ask your friends to do hundred of pounds worth of jobs with no guving back

JuliaBraverman · 13/07/2026 20:19

I agree with you OP. As someone who pays for all DIY, I’d be forever grateful to you and your DH for what you do. If you asked anything, I’d be sure to repay the favours. Infact I’d be looking for ways to repay you, I’d be that grateful. If she really couldn’t talk her daughter into doing them. I’d have booked you an appointment somewhere and paid for the nails myself but I don’t take people for granted.

hattie43 · 13/07/2026 20:18

Im not surprised you feel hurt . Your friend could have written a less blunt message . Sadly she is one of life’s takers . I’d let them go they aren’t friends .

Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:13

JLou08 · 13/07/2026 18:42

I think your being very unfair in holding your friend responsible for her DD not wanting to do your nails. I can understand being disappointed, I can't understand ignoring your friend over it. The quick response indicates her DD had already told her she wouldn't do your nails. They could've had an argument over it for all you know.

she was on holiday at the time I messaged her so not with her DD, and as I said, if she’d explained it and not being so dismissive i would have accepted that, it was just the abrupt way she replied

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 13/07/2026 20:13

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 14:53

Just to clarify, we don't offer DIY help, my friend asks when they need something doing and my DH has always been happy to help, including jobs for her DD.

Also, it's not normal for us to stop messaging each other. We usually chat several times a week, so two weeks of silence is unusual for us.

Show quote history

She knows she was rude. That’s why she has fallen silent. She will start up again when she needs more DIY.

Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:10

EnjoythemoneyJane · 13/07/2026 18:48

This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK.

This alone means she’s not the friend you think she is, and her reply to you in the first place suggests she gives less than zero shits about helping you out or considering your feelings. A good friend who appreciated everything you’d done for her over the years would ask her daughter before replying in such an offhand manner, and if the answer was no, would at least frame it with an apology. It’s understandable the daughter may be pissed off with constant requests for freebies, but there’s also a reciprocal issue here.

If you’re happy to continue the friendship, you need to reframe the terms of engagement. As a pp said, that’d mean at the very least declining any more DIY help on the basis you’re just doing it for yourselves now.

This is how I feel, she doesn’t do anybody else’s nails now, just hers and her mum‘s, if she’d have come back with a bit of an explanation, I’d have accepted that, it was just the abrupt and dismissive way she replied, with no thought for everything we’ve done for them

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 20:06

swqa · 13/07/2026 15:45

But YOU are asking for a favour to be returned to YOU when you did none of the DIY.

And you're asking the person who didn't ASK for any DIY to be done.

The mind boggles as to why you should get your nails done and she should do them for you under these circumstances.

I could understand if it was your husband asking your friend and her husband for a favour, but why does any of his work mean that you should get a favour?

Show quote history

Because my friend asked for all the favours through me, and I’ve also give given my time whilst my DH was doing all the jobs. I’ve been in her DD‘s life since she was born. And my DH has done favours for her DD too , as I mentioned in a previous post, he’s done her bedroom up for her. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 13/07/2026 20:03

Fluffyholeysocks · 13/07/2026 14:52

Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

This would absolutely be my answer. It's perfect.

TwoCatsThe · 13/07/2026 20:00

Omg so many of us find out ‘ friends’ are just takers! As soon as you need something, they’re off. And the thing is, they have no idea! One woman I know from Pilates was telling me how she’d dumped very long term friends because they said something that rubbed her up the wrong way! “ life’s too short!” She said, and I thought ‘ too short to value friends?! ‘ That’s one way to end up friendless, for sure.