Please please help … messages to another woman

You’re not overreacting.
He doesn’t know right from wrong - I though the fact he already has kids and a ‘problematic ex’ was also a huge red flag; as is the part about his dad - what a role model he’s had.
Id leave at this point & not look back! Good luck xx

Thank goodness you are not married, OP. You deserve better.

You know the violence is wrong but you are wondering if you should have asked the question? Honey, normal people don't grab their partner and throw and break stuff because people ask a question or point out that behaviour in talking to a particular someone is making the other person feel uncomfortable. Leave him. Leave him now. Or next time, it will be something thrown at you or worse. Just love yourself enough to leave

Of course you're justified. Why do you need to ask that? The fact that he's so defensive says, to me, that he's guilty

You're entitled to ask questions, and most people would be suspicious given his dishonesty. It doesn't read like anything happened yet, but it's beside the point. He's been talking to someone and lied about who they are. That's going to raise alarm bells.

But OP it looks like you think if you were wrong to raise the messages that it changes anything. It doesn't. From here you won't dare question him again, will you? Who knows what happens next time.

You are totally justified to expect him not to message other women - although he’ll try to convince you otherwise.
The anger, throwing stuff around and grabbing you are all red flags but you know this.
I wonder what his problematic ex had to put up with?
You have some decisions to make, be brave and sensible about your future.

You are justified in raising whatever you want to raise when yon are in a relationship with someone without them grabbing you and throwing things at walls.

You are right when you say ‘it’s not something that people in committed relationships do’. They don’t message women and tell them their life story without mentioning they are engaged. That’s a part of what’s going on.

The messages aren't the problem here. His anger and violence are. I think you know this. Listen to what your instinct is telling you. You can't continue in this relationship.

Males.

The most unhinged species.

Also, just remember you don’t have to have court level evidence of cheating before you leave. You’re allowed to leave because you feel things aren’t working out.

What is your living/work situation? Have you got somewhere else you can go?

Please leave and don’t entertain conversation about this. It’s not the messages, it’s the violence. You deserve so much more than this. Take some time to work on your self-esteem and do not settle for this.

"Me and Tina are a thing"

What does that mean?

You know, don't you @alwaysleftoutt that he is intending to cheat physically and is already cheating emotionally?

The violence sums it up.

You can carry on and believe him when he says nothing is going on, but you won't be happy because you won't trust him

In fact, you haven't been happy for a long while if things have always been difficult because of his ex

You deserve to be happy

There is no coming back from this, it’s over. He’s leading this woman on with his messages and he’s lying to the person he’s engaged to about it. And worse than both of those things he’s been violent towards you.

Could you go in to work today and say ‘oh my wrist is a bit sore because Pete grabbed me during an argument’ or to someone in your family ‘I must buy a new fan today because Pete threw ours at the wall when we we’re fighting about him texting another woman. There’s a hole in the wall now’ Probably not because those aren’t normal things and they aren’t acceptable.

*Writer's neck.

Wtaf am I reading this morning? First thread about putting a cord around a wrires neck for a joke and 2nd thread being this.
FFS what is wrong with some men?

I don't think the messages are necessarily a problem but his reaction with throwing the phones and the fan, and grabbing your wrist are.

‘his problematic ex and I’ve struggled with insecurity issues from this.’

Right so he was already a walking red flag!

I think he’s not marriage material, I think he’s a cheating, angry, gaslighting creep, but can you explain more about this problematic ex and how it’s led to your insecurities?

If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck...

You know what's happening here and you know what to do about it. Trust your instincts.

People that react in anger like that don’t change. It’s not the person to share a life with.

Well, obviously this relationship is now over and it’s time to safely exit. End it in a neutral place and have a relative collect your belongings. He put his hands on you and threw his phone because you caught him out.

He thought if he kept the conversation with her neutral enough, even if you found out (as you did) he could spin a story. The fact he hasn’t mentioned you to her says enough. I’ll bet if you walk away, he’ll be in Tina’s bed by next week.

I wouldn't be with a man-child who throws his phone at the wall and puts his hands on me.

Be rid of him.

This is all irrelevant, not even worth discussing. The issue is what happened after with the physical abuse.

You need to leave.

Do not marry this man, op! That's probably a lot to think about, but he is violent and that is absolutely not ok and not what you want, messages or no messages.

Tell partner that obviously you are not enough for him..
Make plans to leave.