Didn't tell friend that I have slept with new man

You both need to take this to ghe grave now. If he tells her, just say what, Christ that was something and nothing, I thought you knew was years ago, it wasn’t even romantic can barely remember it.

At uni… everyone had pretty much slept with everyone by the end in my social group! 😆

Are you also young @Freinddilemma ?

When I think back to getting together with the man I went on to marry… at 6 months when it was very serious at that point… if he’d told me he’d had a FWB situation for a few weeks with a friend but it was meaningless…. I wouldn’t have thought anything aside from it further confirming to me how much I like / love this man for telling me!

I wouldn’t raise it with you because… well, no point.

In your shoes, I’d assume he’s told her or… given it was a few weeks of meaningless sex - presume he’s just not really thought about it to mention it! So I couldn’t be raising it myself

I’m team “this isn’t a thing” and I wouldn’t mention it. If she ever says anything I’d probably reply with something like “God, I’d almost forgotten that, what were we thinking? So glad he’s settled down with you and you’re so happy”

Not worth mentioning it now, it was a casual, brief fling that happened ages ago.
She'll either be someone who gets the 'ick' shagging her mates seconds or it won't bother her at all. Either way, why would you bring it up with her now, when their relationship is headed towards serious territory. Leave them alone.

The point would be to be honest about something that barely matters if you are a secure person. I'd argue that's a fairly important consideration when kicking off a relationship you might see going somewhere, and to avoid it coming out of the woodwork from someone else in the future, where the damage would be meaningful because there was a choice to lie. I can't see why there's any reason to lie in this case - nobody has done anything wrong in the slightest.

I am a woman and don't think 'women's minds' are some homogenous, insecure leaning hyperbolic thing, no. If a person leaps to making something like this about more or decides not to take something that is so easily verifiable from both parties as not being at face value then that's their own issue isn't it. A relationship isn't likely to last or be a happy one in the long term if you can't trust a partner on something as inconsequential as that. OP and this bloke had a quick fling that ended as fast as it started and they reverted to being just friends. She obviously isn't romantically interested or she wouldn't have set him up with her mate thinking they'd be a good fit as a genuine kindness and he was clearly all for it.

People do (whether others like the idea or not) date within their social circles. I wouldn't care less if someone I dated went on a few failed dates or had some meaningless intimacy long in past with someone I know in this context. I'd appreciate being set up with someone that was a good fit for me and probably laugh about it at the wedding if we got there. Is the whole point of this not to offer opinions and perspectives, not argue about how women's minds work or whether there is one right answer.

Op's friend might not like it, that much is true - who can say except her, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve honesty from her own mates and the guy she's now seeing.

Mmm not necessarily.

Most of our friend group are friends from university. Two pairs of us married people we were at uni with.

Which means (at least for us) that pretty much everyone has had sex with at least one other member of the group.

Sounds a big deal, but we were young and it’s sort of like how every sitcom plays out.

At no point in any of our various marriages has who our partners had sex with years ago caused issues. I don’t wonder if my husband is thinking about the sex he had with Sarah when we’re there cooking a BBQ and talking about school applications.

A few months of sex pales in comparison to years of life together. As each month/year passes it’s less of an issue.

Nothing was adulterous. No one was being dishonest. No one was hurt. No serious relationships, that could be more awkward.

Yeah i would just say either you thought you mentioned it or you assumed Tom would tell her yourself if the relationship started getting serious.

i dont think youve done anything wrong, personally if you had told her when you initially introduced them as "hi this is tom my ex fuck buddy" is a bit TMI when for all you know they might never have even gone on a first date let alone started a relationship.

Well yes, but you’re naive if you think she will definitely just shrug and think “ok, he shagged my best friend for a couple of months, so what”. She’ll be wondering what kind of sex they had, how she compares, whether he still lusts after her, whether he could casually ditch her as easily as he ditched her friend etc.

If he knows 100% that’s she rock solid with no insecurities, then maybe, but how many of us are like that, even if we give then impression that we are!

Laughing at her for what? Such a weird take

Oh just ignore it and move on. You don’t have to tell everyone who you’ve slept with as though it’s some big dirty secret. She’s not your sister or anything. If she asks don’t lie but if she doesn’t ask then it’s your own business nobody’s else’s.

Not sure why she needs to know ?

I think you just need to tell her because it's not going to get better by leaving it longer.

Talk to him first and decide who is going to do it, but be clear that you think its necessary.

If you don't tell her and she finds out she'll think you were laughing at her behind her back.

How old are you op?

he has either told her and explained it meant nothing and last a few weeks

or

it was so meaningless that it’s not even
occurred to him to mention and no point you doing so

why would he say kinky sex?

and not just a casual meaningless FWB situation for a few weeks

This. It looks like you’re jealous and trying to break them up to tell them now, just let them be.

I wouldn't tell her.

I wouldn’t tell her absolutely no good could come out of it. I wonder if Tom is wondering the same thing about whether you told her or not .

How many women would just laugh off her boyfriend telling her “btw, I used to have kinky sex with your best friend - it wasn’t serious but we carried on for a few months”… Seriously?

I think it’s extremely unlikely that he would tell her. What would be the point? No real positives in telling her, but a reasonable risk that it would make things weird between the three of them, messing up the friendships, and potentially even ruining the relationship if it makes her suspicious or jealous.

Don’t underestimate how much someone can overthink or distort being told something like this. And it’s really naive to think that she would automatically take him telling her “it’s not like it actually meant anything” at face value. Don’t you realise how many women’s minds work?

This

I’m with the don’t mention it camp. I don’t even think it needs to be an insidious / sordid “don’t tell her”, it’s more that it just doesn’t need to come up because it’s not something you think about enough for it even to have been a blocker or consideration. Unless you’re actively trying to sabotage a fledgling relationship after proactively matchmaking the pair - I have no idea why this information is even relevant. Two distinctly different timelines and seasons in life with no crossover - it’s not like you were shagging while they were having first dates. It’s up to him to disclose his prior sexual partners and if you really don’t care about him ‘in that way’ anymore, it doesn’t really serve any purpose to offer the information. If she ‘found out’ (aka he disclosed a piece of his history as a plain truth) then I simply don’t see the disclosure drama. Maybe if he was all “I’m in love with her after all this time” malarkey, but then that would be a blindside even to you. If she ever learns of this information, and questions it, just treat it as a very plain boring fact and don’t give it energy that grows it into something sordid. “Ahh yes, Tom and I had a brief fling, but to be honest it’s never even been something I considered a big deal - we were much younger. I am personally very pleased to see you two together as I think you’re a fab match and both deserve happiness together”. Conversation done. Let’s look at the other narrative here too shall we - imagine if you HAD told her and it stopped her pursuing the relationship because she was then a bit doubtful of the past you pair had? Instead she’s not had that clouding her judgement and the pair of them are cracking on, which was your original intent in the first place. If it needs that spelling out to her later down the track then you can assert this point to, but I personally just don’t see this coming up. Other posters getting all “tell her” are framing this as though you’ve been harbouring some huge dishonesty when really it is just a private matter in the past. If someone told me to date a person but they’d slept together it would actually feel like a weird claim being made from the start so I personally think you’ve done the right thing not mentioning it.