AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

They shouldn’t have lied about passports and they didn’t need to go to the same location with someone else. That’s where they’ve not behaved honestly or kindly. It’s fine for them to go away without you but they should have been more upfront about wanting to go away with different friends.

I wouldn’t cut them off but I would have a think about how much I’d been relying on them, daily messages are a lot, and I’d seek support elsewhere.

I have to say I’m quite amazed at the number of people who think compassion fatigue is a reason good enough to treat people like shit and hurt both the OP and her ds.

They were underhand, but when it comes to a holiday, maybe they just wanted some levity/and actually break?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, but most people don't want to have to support others during a holiday/annual leave.
The friendship doesn't have to be 'over'. Just give them a wide berth 'til you feel stronger.
And, enjoy your holiday with your son and Mum.

You said youve particularly leaned on the husband, is there any chance thats been misinterpreted as you being interested in him?

I am sorry for your loss,i can understand why you feel hurt compounded by seeing this through the filter of grief.
I wonder if your friends are feeling compassion fatigue and wanted a holiday free from supporting a grieving friend?
Im saying this as i experienced something similar to you, my husband aged 48 yrs died and i had an almost identical holiday scenario to you ,including the anger response from the friends when it was discussed. I think the anger is a defence mechanism because its hard to say .....we want a holiday without supporting a grieving person. We want a break essentially.Friendships often change after loss .
Other than this incident are they good friends?
Do you want to maintain the friendship despite feeling hurt about this.

Then you TALK to your friend!!

Since when is it ok to 1- find excuses and then 2- book the exact same holiday with someone else?
Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

All because what? They got compassion fatigue? Can’t face having a conversation with a friend of 30 years?
Are people really this feeble….

I think this was a bad move, seems a bit emotional blackmailish.

Just to add these moving on comments were unkind and insensitive.

I call : compassion fatigue

which does NOT mean that people don’t care, it means that sustained compassion poured into someone will burn the care giver out at some point -

sounds like they have been hugely supportive to you,

but now need to have a holiday that does not include supporting you, and they feel BAD about that - so have fudged it up and made it all into something bigger …

I suspect that they are good people that have got themselves twisted up in trying to do the right thing for themselves and it’s all got more complicated

You can't really expect to keep going on holiday with a couple when you're a single person. Sometimes this can work but it's not working for them. The husband messaging you every day does sound very intense. You cant expect that level of support to keep up from somebody else's husband. It's entirely up to you whether you end the friendship.

I’d like to hear this story from
their perspective honestly….

@Lilyofthefells i think there are tension here you don’t know about.
i suspect your female friend is getting annoyed at the amount of attention youre getting from her dh.
I also suspect your female friend is getting 'compassion fatigue' (not keen in that word) - she hasnt experienced loosing an sibling and cant quite get how devastating it is.
So basically this year, she doesn’t want to spend a holiday with you.

It would explain all the comments about 'getting past it' or ‘moving on’. And they both know it’s a shitty thing to do hence the ‘crossed wired’

I am not surprised your hurt tbh. Still going away despite having said No to you (and your son) wasn’t great in the first place but to the exact same place?!?
That was a crap move and couldn’t have more of a ‘fuck you’ signal tbh.
But they get to say that they can’t understand your reaction. They just booked a holiday and you seemed to have a problem with that rather than actually having a conversation with you - probably saying that the daily texts were too much p.

Theyre not good friends @Lilyofthefells
In time of need, when you needed support, they’ve shown you their true colours. Well I suspect your female friend has shown you her true colours (it would have been extremely easy to just not answer or take a long time your texts if it had been your male friend).
Whether you just cut them off or distance yourself is really up to you. But I’m struggling to see how the friendship can ever go back to normal.

Meant very kindly OP but other people’s grief can be exhausting and it sounds as if they have been there for you quite a bit. Have a lovely holiday with your family, wish them a happy holiday and reconnect later.

I agree with this. Also, I couldn't help noticing that OP's mum had to step in to help OP. Presumably she also lost her daughter, so the fact that OP is coping worse than the person who lost her actual child makes it clear that OP needs a lot of support. That does get draining after a while.

Maybe they are despicable — or maybe just conflict avoidant, especially given your grief and the relationship they have with your son. It’s a very different vibe the holiday they have planned with another couple, holiday time is incredibly precious, and maybe they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Even then I do wonder if you are reading the room ok — you leaned on them a lot, and they didn’t want to do the group holiday, now you found out and have pressed them about it such that you have been asked to drop the subject.
I wonder if the friendship might be over anyway regardless of what you decide as this last point sounds like relations could be awkward now. I’d let the dust settle and perhaps see if you could rekindle if that’s what you want to do. I think your expectations of them have been a bit high and possibly it’s an uneven relationship between you. Give them some space and hopefully you can keep the friendship for your son’s sake as much as anything.

Tbf op if these people are indeed so fragile and drained they need an actual holiday from reciprocal messaging and calls from a good friend, then youre better off without them.

Entirely shit behaviour to lie to the OP in this way. Which is why they're fighting back as they do.

Whilst you think of them as best friends they have others who they think of as best friends.

I think you put the idea in their heads of going to Lanzarote
They have been out with another couple and over drinks the subject of holidays came up and they have all thought what a great idea and booked the holiday with these people.

They feel guilty for what they have done and realise it is a shitty thing to do which is why they have come up with BS excuses and have been lashing out at you and your DS and telling you to get passed it.

I probably think that the reason for not wanting to go on holiday with you is because you don’t mention a husband or partner

Whilst you have gone away before, probably when dc were younger and less independent which meant there was always a distraction and not just the 3 of you.
Now dc are older and less likely to remain around after dinner has been eaten or for sections of the day I can see the husband or wife feeling a little out of joint not having another husband/partner around to talk to. IYSWIM

If they had just thought for a minute and asked if you had got other couple friends who might like to go with their similar aged dc and made it a much bigger party and said they were able to go as the more people = cheaper Airbnb and the ability to cook food a few nights rather than going out and spending money in a restaurant then I think it could have been turned round that they could suddenly afford the holiday now and it would have had a different ending

They have gone about letting you down in a despicable way, Lying and then getting angry at you and your DS because of there own despicable behaviour is never acceptable.

Either you move passed it or you don’t. But I don’t think your DS will get over what they did and how they treated his mother and I doubt he will be comfortable seeing his mum going out with these people like nothing happened

I know I couldn’t get passed this. Once someone has openly lied to you how can you believe anything they say again

If that was the case, they would have said that no?

As an ‘excuse’ fir their poor behaviour that’s very far reached

Sure. And they can lie to her and be shitty to her son. Everyone can do whatever suits them best at any given time. Hopefully OP has better friends

I think that’s a bit unfair after op said she had been texting the husband about her grief every day!

The husband was particularly supportive recently after my sister died as he'd been through a similar experience. We spoke/messaged every day.

Op losing her sister is absolutely awful and incredibly sad and I understand the depth of her hurt, but I can also see the other side and harsh though it sounds, can understand this couple not wanting to deal with someone else’s grief on holiday, especially if this is the only break they get this year and especially when the dh has been bereaved himself. Texting every day is quite a lot. The op’s friends are allowed a holiday from it.

You aren't as close as you thought , op.
It happens.
Really not ok to verbally abuse your ds, though.
(Its my experience that when called out on poor behaviour, dickheads usually go on the attack..)

No. The way theyve acted.

I'm very much going against the grain here, but I think they've behaved really badly and they could have handled it better.
Why lie about money and passports? If they wanted a holiday with someone else/without the OP, and they're good friends, why not just say gently, 'We're probably going to do something different this year for our hols, but...' and follow up with a suggestion of something else nice to do together like a day out or lunch or whatever.

(although I think telling the OP no and then booking a trip to the same place adds another layer of either huge thoughtlessness or deliberate cruelty).
They 'lashed out' at the OP's teenage son. Nice
They blamed the OP and made out that because she didn't want to do anything for her birthday she must have not wanted a holiday either, which is unfounded and has a whiff of blaming the OP.
They used dismissive phrases like her needing 'to get past it' and 'move on'.

People on here are being unfair to the OP, I think. The comment about her thinking that casual mention of a trip to Lanzarote is 'the be all and end all of life's ambitions' is particularly catty.

If I had to put money on the reason, this would be it.