AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

What’s appauling is to them book the exact same holiday with someone else showing their excuses were just that, an easy way out. To not say a word about it.
And then to make out it’s normal behaviour and it’s the OP that has a problem because she usnt moving on.

If you need an excuse to not do something with a very good friend because somehow you can’t have a ‘hard’ conversation with them, at least find a reason good enough that will stand the test of time!

Booking the exact same holiday they were planning to do with the Op, lying about it then being horrible to the Op and her son is more than “compassion fatigue”, it’s downright nasty!

So sorry that you are upset op, but please don't let this ruin your friendship.

They've been so supportive of you and are long term friends. They just didn't want to go on this holiday with you and that's ok. Your ds getting involved was unnecessary but obviously they shouldn't have been unkind to him. They were probably exasperated and frustrated.

Just go with your family.

I was thinking that too. What OP says about being overwhelmed trying to book the holiday and needing help (agree the brochure thing is odd esp for somewhere you've been before, most holidays can be booked easily online) says something about the amount of support she'd need on the trip which wouldn't make it much a holiday and then create guilt for people wanting a break from it, leading to more tension/conflict/lashing out, so I think their instincts were right and it was best avoided, but they handled it poorly with the lie, possibly when put on the spot and then pushed. I think the birthday thing was just their way of saying they didn't think you were up for a fun holiday, which seems right, but with all the upset it's blown into something bigger. Hopefully both groups will have a much-needed break and the fall-out will fade. 30 years a long friendship and it should be able to weather most things.

This. It is obviously hurtful to find out the way you did but it does sound like you were relying on them too much. You say the the husband had been through something similar so maybe he wanted a break from his own grief and not be constantly reminded. Tge fact you were so overwhelmed by booking a holiday yourself suggests that you do need a lot of looking after and maybe they just want a carefree holiday to recharge themselves.

I’ve just been on holiday with adults who needed ‘looking after’ and it’s exhausting. It was no holiday for me and I came back wanting a holiday myself with people who weren’t reliant on me for their enjoyment and organising everything.

It’s not deceit. They were being polite.

@SummerDivewhich is why my first post was “I’d like to hear this from their perspective” I don’t think we’ve got the full story here…

That’s also dismissing tge OP’s pain. That’s refusing to acknowledge the reason of that hurt - their behaviour - And it’s asking her to brush everything under the carpet so they don’t feel bad about their actions, making HER the person at fault for not moving on.

It might not be ‘lashing out’ but it certainly isn’t nice behaviour. It’s still very hurtful.

Giving a polite excuse for why they don’t want to go on holiday with OP? How is that appalling?

.

I cannot imagine the pain of losing a sister OP, I am very sorry.

I agree with pp's though, in that they probably need a break from the emotional support they have been providing. I imagine they are going with other friends who will be much lighter company. There is a cruelty in it in theory, but compassion fatigue is a very real thing. Their only crime is the way they have gone about it.

You put alot of pressure on your friends that if they didn't go with you, you wouldn't have a holiday at all. Even with your family. I don't tjink that's fair of you but equally don't think they shouldn't have lied to you and just said they had booked else where with other friends and maybe next year you can all book again.

I’m really sorry OP, that must really hurt 💐.

I’ve said YABU though just because I would at this point cut them out, but not permanently ie withdraw, but don’t burn bridges. See how you feel in a few months time.

But have you ever put a stunt like those friends did?

Ive been in that situation. And it’s not hard.
You space the texts a bit, wait until you feel like answering rather than out of guilt. You dint let resentment build up.
I have very good friends, people I’ve known 30 years. In a situation like this, we talk to each other. Say ‘oh I really don’t want to talk about xyz. I’m finding it hard at the moment’. No one gets upset because we respect each other’s limits.

Compassion fatigue is not a reason for treating people like crap.

(and yes I’ve been on the receiving end of ‘shall we talk about something else?’ too)

The friends said ‘I "need to get past it" and "move on" to someone confronting them about their holiday plans.

I don’t think that’s lashing out.

It sounds like you all rely on them heavily and that’s a bit much for a holiday. They just want to relax. Stop putting your son in the middle of things. They should have been more upfront with you, but that’s a difficult conversation.

All the people saying you've been lied to need to look at a different scenario that they may have come into some money not long after saying no ie work bonus or being taken on a paid for by family or friends holiday. Because both of those situations I've been in no lies spoken. However I don't necessarily think it's fully appropriate for you to be texting the husband daily despite having the grief situation in common your kind of putting him in an awkward position after so long which isn't right. They are still your friends why not take sometime go on a nice trip with your son and make some new memories. If I can do it alone you can aswell and my kids still talk about the great times we've had and it will do you both good

I wondered this too, but none of us can really know for sure OP.

This is really unpleasant for you. Sorry for this and sorry for your loss.

Have a lovely holiday and don't feel you need to rush feelings around the friendship.

Oh OP, that sounds so hurtful, especially for your son.
What were they thinking!

I would definitely take space, a lot of it, and see how you feel.

They may have wanted a holiday without your understandable grief being a feature.
Brutal, but possibly the truth.

They have really handled it appallingly.
Go on your holiday and try not to allow this to spoil things.
After your loss, these things are actually so unimportant, even though they feel huge.

Grief can make us very sensitive generally because of how raw we feel.
Mind yourself OP.

I experienced compassion fatigue from my manic bipolar friend it’s utterly draining and makes you dread contact. I’m not a bad person and neither is she.

They wouldn’t have -
it’s a process -

it’s not OP’s fault
its their responsibility to manage their ability to compassionately care for another -

but guilt and goodwill can get into the way and then people end up in the mess described here

They can go on holiday with whoever they want and the fact is, they didn't want to go with you. It's sad for you and it's normal to feel hurt but I don't think they did anything wrong. I wouldn't cut them out completely, but just maybe take a step back and try to rely on them less. Let them initiate meeting up in future. If they don't, then I'd leave them to it.

I think your grief has made you unable to appreciate their perspective on this. I wouldn’t end the friendship if I were you, but perhaps focus on other friendships in your life for a while.

If thats the case, they are actually just so caring and compassionate theyve burnt themselves out, its pretty crazy how easily they could turn that off.

No …..
think a little harder …

compassion fatigue can be a reason than people start to find ways to disengage in order to cope ….

people who are so compassionate and caring that they go on to experience compassion fatigue are generally very considerate people who end up burning themselves out