AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

I agree - you may not actually be the problem. Something else will come out in years to come eg that wife is having an affair with the other person they will travel with or something. Take care and enjoy yourself with your loved ones x

All of this. Sorry for your loss OP, and sorry you've been treated so shittily. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I can understand their point of view - they may simply have run out of social battery. Even if they're long term friends its not their role to be your solo support network.

Speaking to someone grieving every day and then also going on holiday with them is very emotionally intense. They may want to put emotional energy into themselves or their own problems or family unit.

If you need a holiday, have a holiday. It's a bit intense and codependent to say you're not confident going on holiday unless it's with them.

If you're good friends, keep the friendship.

I think maybe this is the nudge to start finding other support or self-care you can do.

Its also not necessarily healthy to encourage your son to take offence and "call people out" if he feels rejected. Most people don't take kindly to a child calling them a liar.

People do tell white lies. I suspect they felt it was easier to talk about money and passports than admit they felt a little bit emotionally drained from supporting you?

I'm sure they've been happy to support you until now and have your best interests at heart, but I'd dial back on the daily messaging.

Most people when they say things like "call me any time" probably don't expect you to then be calling daily for support. Or they expect you to apply your own judgement and become independent and ease back a bit after a while. Or find other people.

Husband was probably ok having a few ad-hoc chats, but are you expecting him to discuss painful emotions with you every day by message?

Why? Your friends are allowed to have other friends.

Sorry for your loss op but I strongly suspect the wife hasn’t liked him messaging you so much. This is a deliberate attempt to create more of a distance.
I certainly wouldn’t like my husband having/ creating that emotional bond with another woman, whatever the circumstances.

It sounds to me like people who have reached the end of their support tether for now. They were trying not to hurt her feelings because she’s fragile. Now this has happened and she’s even more hurt and fragile and after supporting her all year they’re being treated like they’ve done something evil. So they want her to get over it because they don’t have any more of themselves to give to it right now hence the planning a break with someone else.

Maybe they’re not being the kindest… why is OP the only person allowed to be fragile or have reached a limit? People lash out when overwhelmed.

Gently OP my holidays are precious time. I would absolutely support a friend that is struggling and be there for them all the time I’m at home/working but I don’t think I could extend that to my family holiday. That is time for me to focus solely on relaxing with my partner and DS.

Your reluctance to want to celebrate would make me believe you’re not in the right place for an upbeat time away. Sorry. It sounds like they tried to let you down gently and If they're generally there for you I wouldn’t burn all the bridges.

So sorry for your loss. Sounds as if some space is needed all round. Counselling with a trained grief councellor could be very helpful. Holudays at such a time are often not a good idea so perhaps stay at or near home and make sure you get lots of support. As to your friends see how you and they feel after a break.

I still say theyve acted/behaved/whatever appallingly. To lash out at the DS and go on about getting over and blaming op for not doing anything on her borthday (?) is just so dismissive and unfeeling.

This is very much half the story from someone who isn't considering other people IMO.

She asked about a holiday, they gave at least two excuses, because they are already heavily supporting her and obviously don't want to go with her right now on holiday, but she was obviously pressing the issue (or not wanting to take no for an answer), as they then resorted to suggesting she do the holiday herself with her own family, or go to Disney.. she then told them she had no interest in going with her own family.

I'm sorry, but that is horrible, and explains why they really didn't want to go right now, she wouldn't want to go with her own family? but would want to go with them?? And she told them that!! It is shameless guilt tripping.

Now the son has been encouraged to ask them because he'd 'love to go with them' (more guilt tripping) to which they have been honest and said they are going away with someone else, so can't go with them.

Now OP said they 'deliberately excluding us'.. they've 'hurt her' .. 'why have they done this' .. all they've actually done is decided they don't want to go on holiday with her this year.. how many more times can they say no before the answer is accepted?? Why keep pushing the issue with them now to try and make them feel bad, no wonder it has turned into annoyance on their part, they are entitled to make their own choices, and choosing not to holiday with a grieving person who can't seem to function without them, is a perfectly valid choice.. doesn't mean they should abstain from holidays altogether.

I think they have reached breaking point to be honest.. grief can only carry you so far, before it becomes obvious self pity and entitlement, they been supporting her every single day and it's still not enough for her.

I am so sorry for your loss @Lilyofthefells and that you are having to deal with this on top.

My suspicion is that they "double booked" themselves by having the same conversation about going away with someone else as well as you, probably assuming nothing would come of either set of plans. When the other family suggested booking something before you did, they went along with it, perhaps thinking that you were not going to be ready for a holiday anyway given your comments about your birthday.

When you came through and asked about booking a holiday they were caught out in the moment on the phone and handled it badly by lying to you, rather than being honest and saying "oh I'm so sorry, I've already booked something with x but maybe we could go somewhere else later or next year?" They have then compounded this by making you feel like you are to blame and then turning on your son, which is entirely inappropriate. They have behaved very poorly.

If you have been friends with them for thirty years, and if they were supportive of you over the loss of your sister, then I would not cut them out of your life or lose them as friends. Your friendship can survive this.

While hard, I would also move on from the holiday with them, which is no longer happening, and enjoy time away with your son. If you keep hankering about the holiday you're not having and analysing who thought or said what when and what they really meant it will achieve nothing but make you miserable, make it very hard to maintain the friendship, and eventually even your son will begin to question why a holiday with him is such a poor second prize.

Good luck OP.

I certainly don't think you should end the friendship, but I think a break from them for a month or so would be good.

You've been leaning on them daily for quite a while, and they probably need time away to recover. Obviously they were making excuses to avoid going on the holiday with you because they're emotionally exhausted, but they didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Nobody is being unreasonable or horrible here - it's just very unfortunate.

I hope you start to feel s little better soon and your grief settles down from the initial onslaught, and in time your friendship recovers.

I take your point, I'm just sceptical on what was actually said to the son and what made them say OP needs to move on.

It seems odd to me that these people who have supported OP kindly on a daily basis without an ulterior motive would tell OP she needs to get past it unless something has happened or has been said.

They clearly are bothered about OP though given all the support there's been. I wouldn't extrapolate this to reframe the 30 years of friendship as some delusion. That kind of take is probably why they're minimising it to crossed wires and moving on. It's one holiday that they've chosen to have with someone else, most likely to have a break from the intensity of the current phase of this friendship. Better to not turn this into a 'they're not bothered about me and never have been' spiral. We've no idea how much pressure they've been under and how tricky it's been to balance OP's needs with their own, and her take is understandably riven with pain from the place she's in. They need a break and communicated it badly, but perhaps there was no easy to communicate it better. OP needs to spend time with her family as the friends have said and give it time.

I agree with you on that new and very separate point yes, I probably would have discouraged DS from checking with them (if op knew that is). But saying that it sounds like they all had that kind of relationship. Particularly as theyd all discussed the possibility of a group holiday.

I still say theyve acted/behaved/whatever appallingly. To lash out at the DS and go on about getting over and blaming op for not doing anything on her borthday (?) is just so dismissive and unfeeling, surprising for a couple supposedly so compassionate and caring theyve burnt out and need a holiday to rest and recover from being so very thoughtful and supportive.

I think it's a shock for OP not just how they've handled the holiday but they've shown her that they don't see her and her DS the way she thought they did. That as well as the holiday is a lot to digest, particularly when grieving.

I remember feeling a bit embarrassed when I realised that our close family friends weren't particularly bothered about us. Kind of mortified thinking back through all the years and wondering did they just tolerate me or actively dislike me but felt sorry for me of something... Once I stopped contacting them and suggesting meet ups and inviting them over etc, they just never contacted me. So after years of seeing them regularly, it just stopped overnight. Really confusing and upsetting for my DC and they live very close too so we see them a lot.

I try not to have any expectations at all now and am very guarded.

Perhaps they are feeling uncomfortable with your grief and felt it would spoil the holiday for them. Instead of being upfront they thought it kinder not to say this and thought you'd never find out about their trip

They shouldn't have lied about the why.

If you have been messaging her husband about your grief every day it is just too much.
They would likely need a holiday without your family.

It doesn’t mean you are not friends, but then you need to listen to the signals they are giving you and your son.

A holiday usually means a fun break away from every day life, and that is what they are doing and what they need OP. If they were lashing out it was probably because they were annoyed you don’t get it and are sending your 16-year old to ask them again.

To keep the friendship it is you who needs to listen this time.

Sorry for your loss.

So we agree that when they said they said couldn’t go on holiday with OP, she should have left it there.

I know you're hurt but I think sending your 16 year old to them with the brochures was a lot.

She didn't.

My son(16) and my Mum seeing I was struggling took over the planning. My son wanted to just check if there was absolutely no chance that his (unofficial) Aunt and Uncle would want to come as he'd have loved to have gone with them. So he contacted them

Definitely information missing in this post... you say they lashed out at your son verbally. Just randomly you mean? Did they call him up and shout at him? Come round, ring the doorbell and shout over the threshold? Can you describe what happened in the conversation that led them to verbally lash out at your son? What was said and by whom?

If you want to "end" then friendship then fine, but no need to any formality. It all sounds so dramatic. Perhaps everything got a bit too intense and over bearing.

I've had instances where people weren't who I thought they were, or the relationship wasn't what I thought it was. Nothing more is needed other than

"Oh, that's weird. I guess they don't feel the same as I do... I'll just back off"

No dramatic ending of a friendship, or final closing text messages etc etc. Something wasn't what you thought it was, or isn't what you wanted so just...... adjust your own behaviour.

No, i dont think that would be appalling.

I think the way they have acted is.