AIBU to end a long friendship because friends claimed they couldn't take a trip and then went and booked same trip with someone else and hid it from me?

I really think that if they have been such good friends, for all these years, you should try and see things from their point of view.

Try and put your own hurt aside and ask yourself why they may need a holiday apart from you.

I think that you and your family would be foolish to throw away such a long friendship over this.

Your friends feel they need a holiday. No doubt out of embarrassment they have handled things clumsily.
You feel hard done to. Your son is following your lead.
The crux of the matter is you have had a great friendship until now.

If I were you I’d swallow my pride, and wish them a happy holiday. Ease their consciences by telling them you’re looking forward to hearing about it when they get back.

Stand on your own two feet, organise a holiday for you and your own family.
Give yourself quiet times to think about your dear sister, but also try to be there for your family helping them to enjoy a holiday with you. It’s terribly sad but life does move on very rapidly.

I hope you can resolve things without resentment.

True friendship is precious and not to be thrown away lightly. It also works both ways to be successful.

Good luck!

They didn’t waste time, they just refused to give even more (and they’ve already gone above and beyond!)

The timeline isn’t clear, but it sounds like months of daily support, from a person who is grieving himself. That is a lot to expect from anyone, and then a “holiday” (unpaid bereavement counselling) on top…
The destination is a standard holiday destination everyone has already been to, not a special trip.
They told the OP they weren’t interested in the trip with her - they did use excuses, but it is tricky to tell someone you would love to go somewhere, but not with them.

“They need to be honest with her if they're no longer best friends otherwise they're wasting her time.”

WTF? They are grown adults, you make them sound like playground kids. They’ve been good to op, people telling her to cut them off do not have OP,s best interests at heart.

No, why would you presume that? They don't need to be present whenever op wants, but best friends don't pretend to not want to go on a holiday and then book the same holiday with someone else. They need to be honest with her if they're no longer best friends otherwise they're wasting her time.

If they’d told you it would be different but they haven’t so they lied by omission, they’ve blamed you and they’ve been rude to your son? Naa fuck that shit, you’ll never see them in the same way again. Snip snip.

So you don’t see these people as their own entity ? They should be present and correct and ready whenever wherever op wants?
remember the male friend is grieving too? Or does that pale for Ops needs?

Agree with everyone else they need a break from supporting you. They been amazing friends in the not too far past. Have a holiday with your mum and sister.

wow

what a lovely comment! Christ

But we don’t know their side of it do we? Compassion fatigue is a real thing and sometimes when people are mired in grief they don’t realise other people can be struggling too. Maybe they have tried to speak to OP and it’s not been heard. I think it’s mean to book the same holiday OP had talked about but I do have some compassion too for the other side

They may well feel a bit guilty at being found out, which can make people say things on the defensive. However, like PPs I do think you need to be very honest with yourself about what emotional demands you may have placed on them recently. If they do admit that frankly they just needed a break from supporting you through and admittedly very hard time, you should accept that as a fair sentiment.

I wouldn't end such a long and close friendship, but perhaps suggest a break from each other with a get together at the end of the summer.

You have been through a horrible time of grief and loss and you just need to arrange a healing break with your mum and son, and focus on the three of you first and foremos

I'd step away and think about everything for a while- it appears you and your son were deliberately excluded and they are now trying to blame you.
It looks to me as if you have been more needy than they have been comfortable with since the death of your sister- and your close contact with the husband may not have been to his wife's liking.
Give it a few months I think you will see it from a different perspective when the feelings of hurt have receeded.

Two things can be right at the same time- friends handled this very badly - OP has possibly overdone it on the drawing on friends support and the friends didn’t want to spend their limited holiday time and cash if it turned into a constant support session -sorry to sound harsh but I think this is probably how it’s played out

I don't think k you should cut them off they've been good friends to you I just think you need to give them a bit of space
They probably didn't want to rell uiu they want a break from you to spare your feelings
They sound liek good people
Talk it through with them and try to resolve

Good luck

Sounds like there have been a lot of people on this thread who have been a huge support to a grieving friend and the friend hasn't appreciated the toll it has taken on them!

I have been there too - it is draining. I walked away in the end as after 5 years it got too much for me and they weren't helping themselves but I'm sure my friend would give a very different side to the story,

I have plenty of precious friends I’ve never been on holiday with.

i also have friendships which continued to be precious past a time when they hurt me. One of my friends I lost to cancer recently and I was so glad I hadn’t cut her off early because we both matured as time went on and the friendship became such a beautiful thing.

Try to set this hurt aside and don’t throw away the friendship

Maybe the other person they went with paid for the holiday. You don’t know all
the information. Sorry about your sister x

I think it’s a bit unrealistic for everyone to be saying their communication was bad and they should have told you exactly why they didn’t want to go on holiday with you.

if the reason is that they need a break from you or just don’t love travelling with your family it’s hard to say that in a way that isn’t potentially offensive. Very few people would be direct about that. It might well be they really value the friendship but don’t want a holiday with you.

People are allowed to say no to a holiday without needing to justify their reason. They may not really even know the reason but just don’t fancy it, and that is okay!

Things like “finances are tight” could also mean “our finances are only going to cover three trips this summer and we don’t want to spend one of them holidaying with you because we’d rather do other things” and that is not being a bad friend.

I think that would really help you OP, and give yourself a breathing space and a place whee you can actually discuss it, without worrying. I hope you find one soon so that you can have some support.
Try not to worry about the friends in the meantime,plan some nice things with your son, trip to the cinema, picnic, etc its fab weather for it.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Personally I think you'd benefit from speaking to a grief counsellor for a while. Ideally we'd all have huge supportive networks that would help us cope in these situations, but it sounds like yours is rather limited if you've been relying on one person very heavily for several months now. I can see why other posters are suggesting they may have compassion fatigue.

Given that you've been friends for 30 years you'd hope that your friends would be able to talk to you about this themselves but for whatever reason they've not felt able to at this time. Perhaps out of concern for your emotional state. And yes people who are exposed as doing something they don't view themselves as doing/being (liars or bad friends) will tend to react by lashing out and becoming defensive.

Speaking to a counsellor may help not only process your grief over your sister, but also understand how the combination of your actions and their actions have led to this. They may be terrible friends worth cutting off or they may be fallible humans who've let you down but are worth forgiving.

It sounds to me like they don't want to go on holiday with you because they need space and likely didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying the real reason they didn't want to go, it sounds awful but dealing with someone who is grieving can take a toll mentally and it sounds like they have been supportive up until this point but needed to have a holiday where they can unwind and just have fun without worrying about how you feel the entire time

I can just imagine the responses if the friends were to post.
'We have tried really hard to support our friend through a bereavement, sometimes receiving daily messages needing help , we are feeling a bit drained from the situation and have decided to go on holiday with other friends for a bit of light relief . Our friend isn't happy about this and has contacted us a couple of times asking about going away, her son even contacted us, which feels a bit guilt trippy'

I agree with a poster upthread. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband was messaging another women every day and wouldn’t be encouraging a holiday with that person. At the very least, it sounds like you’ve been quite needy and potentially hard work. At the other end of the scale, I’d bet money that the wife is not thrilled about the emotional reliance you seem to have on her husband. I’d be wanting a break and certainly wouldn’t fancy a holiday and close proximity in those circumstances.

I’d also add that while there is a variation in grief, leaning on your friends in this way is tipping into the ‘more than normal’ emotional support bracket.

What?! Because they have planned a holiday without the op and her son… that must mean the wife is having an affair?!

There’s clearly people on this thread who must see other people as support humans and side characters only isn’t there!