My DH and I have been married for 2 years and still have no idea how to work our finances. We're basically avoiding making important purchases / doing important work on our house at this point because we don't really know how to approach the issue.
AIBU to think it is difficult to work out what is fair here?
I hear from various sources (family, friends and indeed here on Mumsnet) that married couples should:
- combine all finances and treat everything as shared
- OR have a degree of separation but make contributions to shared costs in proportion to income.
We don't do either, and I don't feel it's as simple as that. It is possible that I'm missing something though.
For background: DH is a fair bit older than me. We work in a similar field but he is a fair bit more senior. He earns almost twice what I do.
When we met, he already owned his house outright. I'd been saving to buy my first home and was about at the point where I had a good deposit together. I ended up moving into his house with him instead. Almost immediately afterwards I realised I was pregnant. It was unplanned and a huge shock, and I didn't know whether our still new-ish relationship would be able to handle it, but it did. He proposed shortly afterwards.
We have always maintained separate finances. We have a joint account for household bills, nursery fees, kid stuff, shopping and joint holidays. We each put an equal amount into it each month and if we ever have extra joint expenses, we contribute towards those equally too. I was the one who suggested this at first. I think I felt guilty that I living mortgage and rent-free in a home that I hadn't contributed towards financially at all and was worried about seeming like a sponger. I've always liked the idea of feeling really independent and didn't want to have a lifestyle that I could only afford because a man was topping my finances up.
As time has gone on, though, the situation has become a bit more difficult. For one thing, the equal contributions split means that my DH has been able to save a large amount each month easily, whilst I have been saving at a slower rate. We spend quite a lot on what I see as frivolities - more extravagant food shops and holidays than I would go for myself - but I don't feel I can complain about what my DH wants to spend because I come across as mean, so I keep paying my 50%. In fact until recently I was actually down on the amount of money I had when we got together because we even did the equal split thing when I was on MAT leave and I didn't get much due to being quite new to my job at the time. Don't get me wrong - I'm not penny-pinching massively (after all, I don't have any mortgage or rent to pay!). I can still afford haircuts and meals out with friends etc so I'm not exactly in a situation that requires anything more than the world's smallest violin.
Then there's our house (I still don't feel comfortable calling it 'ours' really - in my head it is his, no matter how much he assures me that he sees it as shared!). It is a bit ramshackle and needs a fair bit of work doing, but I'm stalling on it because I know DH will expect me to pay 50% of everything and I haven't saved enough yet for us to do what we want. There is a possibility that I will have to take out a loan to cover my 50%, which seems a bit ridiculous to me when DH has the money to cover the cost of all of it sitting in the bank. Again though I have this terror of seeming like some sort of freeloader and worry I'm being a selfish arsehole to think of his money as in some way mine too. He has earned that money and I have not.
Some other spanners in the works:
- DH has adult kids. They are homeowners and on their feet, largely thanks to his financial support, and he likes to give them frequent monetary gifts. In my eyes this is none of my business to comment on, but if it were my business, I would obviously still support it completely as it is what a dad should do with his kids. If we combined our finances or shared things differently, it might get in the way of my DH feeling he can give his kids money whenever he wants to, and I would hate that.
- DH is going to be retiring within the next 10 years, whilst I will probably be working for at least 30 (not just the age difference - also differences in pension types). At this point our situations will reverse and I will be bringing in a lot more money than him. I don't know how on earth we will navigate this financially.
What does financially fair even mean in a marriage like this? I have no idea at all. What I do know is that I seem to feel simultaneously guilty and annoyed about any possible arrangement we discuss!
And yes. of course, ideally I would have thought all this through before getting pregnant and before getting married, but I didn't. I am where I am. It was all so fast, so unexpected, and falling in love with someone older was never part of my plan.
Thanks so much for any thoughts. I have no idea what to do and I don't think my DH does either.
YABU - there is a pretty simple way to organise your finances fairly in this marriage
YANBU - it is difficult to know how to sort this out fairly!