AIBU to say it's difficult to know how to sort finances fairly in my marriage?

I can't fathom the mat leave point and it makes me really sad :( Where did he think you were getting the money from, and did you bring it up with him? I did 50/50 with my husband before we had kislds, but as soon as I was on mat leave, we moved to a joint account. I know your situation is more complicated but PPs above have some good ideas.

Ive voted yabu for continuing to pay so much towards a house and lifestyle while he refuses to have an adult conversation and make adult plans.

Assuming he knows that you earn a lot less, hes a disgrace for continuing with this uneven split. Especially the maternity leave.

Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and I dont really understand people who wont share their resources. It shows that both of you feel insecure in this relationship.

You need to make this fairer on you. Maybe you pay into the shared account based on your relative earnings - so if he's paid twice what you get he pays 2/3rds of your expenses. This also applies when you are earning and he has a pension so you'll pay more then.

Once you are married ( or at least after a couple of years) all assets are shared even if he bought the house so some of your issues are technically irrelevant

I agree to moving home to a shared place for your future sanity

given the other aspects - he has more now, you have more later , I think a shared pot with the same “free money “ is better

i would agree upfront an amount that is ring fenced towards supporting his children - so for example if he brings in 3 k he might put 1k aside for the kids, 1 k onto to the shared pot and 1k spending and you on say 1.5k would do .5 into shared pot and 1k spending

you would need to agree carefully whats shared pot and what’s your spend

and echo PP - you need to have wills sorted and you should be open about what’s in them

and whilst you do wills - do PoA

This 🤷‍♀️

His house sounds like a pita anyway if it needs a lot of work.

Personally, I wouldn’t be in a relationship where money wasn’t fully shared. Theres nothing in your scenario that would change my mind.

I’d want a shared budget with everyone’s income going in the top, both people having the same amount of free spends and saving the same amount each month. The gifts to the adult kids would just go in as an expense line at the amount he is happy with.

I’d also say that you want a meeting with a solicitor to talk about wills and being on the deeds. You being on the deeds is unlikely to change the divorce position, and you won’t necessarily inherit everything when he dies without a will. You also might not be able to give away some of your share to his kids if you have care needs/capacity issues/requirement for benefits as it’d be deprivation of capital, and so his kids might miss out even if you have the best of intentions.

ETA: this is how my household works and I earn 3x what DH earns. I don’t want to compromise my lifestyle because he’s a lower earner, so it’s all joint and we both live the same lifestyle.

I owned a house when we got married and earnt more. DH ivertook me within a couole of years.

We had a prenup. All the equity on marriage was mine. Therafter capital growth was equally split. We paid half.

Then DC came along and DH paid everything even when I went back to work after seven years but by then he was earning far far more than I and my money was pin money. As my earnings increased I took on my car, minor furnishings, childrwn's clubs and clothes. Grown up now. I pay half the food, half the cleaner, my car, sky and broadband.

Sounds like it would be better for both of you to sell the current place and buy a different place together. Tell him you want to live somewhere you feel invested in and have an interest in. Then it’s your joint home. It’s good he feels he has already sorted his children as that would be a complication.
If housing is that cheap near you and you’re working full time it should be doable.
Then. Share everything. As a married couple.

You are extremely vulnerable. I have been married twice and in both marriages we just shared our money. With my husband now, we both have a little frivolous spending fund into which we put a but of moneybeach month. This lets us indulge in a little impulse/guilt free spending without ruining our budgeting. We have savings that are shared. Some of these are in different names but we absolutely consider them joint assets. My husband earns much more than me and at various times I've worked part time or been a sahm. This hasn't changed a thing, all money is ours and shared.

Your married, this seems mad to me. Just put it all in one account. Its what Ive always done and it works great. We have both always considered all money, our money.

Op please protect yourself financially. Love him, care fir him, sure. But right now you are vulnerable. This is only going to get worse. You are responsible for protecting yourself because he is not bothered. He's fine.

Even the men you would least suspect can suddenly pull the rug out from under you. Trust me, I know. I wish I didn't.

Protect your financial future. This is on you.

The only fair way is to combine everything into one pot and think no more about it. If you are the higher earner and you resent your partner because of this, you shouldn’t be married. If you are the lower earner and you feel guilty about it you need to better value your worth.

ShishKofte

I think they should sit down and talk as opposed to her just running- I saw a thread recently where a guy said his girlfriend wanted the split of bills the fair way, and he said he was shocked- cue men saying she was taking the piss and women tearing him to shreds and calling him abusive. I think this is one of the largest differences between men and women and even when the women explained sensibly how it meant she would struggle to live/ she’d have no savings etc etc, the men all said well then she should have studied harder, worked harder, got a better job etc. AND THEN when people said about gender equality- cue laughing etc. I don’t know what the solution is but put with the manosphere etc etc etc you wonder how women and men and men and women coexist at all nowadays, each group feel like the other is fucking them over

I do feel valued and loved by DH, and I think this situation is more about thoughtlessness and burying our heads in the sand than about anyone trying to be unfair.

That's good.
And yet he won't put you on the deeds but expects you to pay half, he let's the house go into disrepair even though he could fix it and you feel sick at asking him to talk about the financial inequality in your relationship.

Has he told the older children they're not getting anything from the house in his non existent will or do you get to deliver that news to his grieving family and potentially be accused of being a money grabber? Making a will would solve that.
I think it's actually quite odd to twist your desire to formally capture his wishes into 'evidence' you won't carry them out - bizarre and nonsensical.

As PP said, you're being too nice & considering his feelings over financial security for yourself & your child.
The update also reinforced my previous comment that he sounds a bit if a tit.

Do not spend your savings renovating a house that you are not on the deeds of. This is basic. The fact that he expects you to is outrageous.
Also the fact that he helps out his adult children, but then doesn’t fully financially support his wife and new baby during maternity leave would ring alarm bells for me. It’s so stingy and disrespectful of him to have allowed you to pay 50% of bills during this time.

Invest your own savings into buying a property that you let out. The rental income you make after paying the mortgage can be used to help fund home improvements of your current home with DH.

So you’ve kept your savings, helped with home improvements, have tenant’s pretty much buying the property for you and should anything go wrong in your marriage at any stage, you have your rental property to move into if needs be.

Then you cannot pay for the house repairs and you cannot continue funding the lifestyle he wants. You need to save for your own retirement. Tell him this and what your new contribution to the joint account is so you can save too.

Firstly as said above - The house , is your name on the deeds now ? Just because your married doesn’t mean you’ll get half in the event off
Second - Has he made a will - does it include you & child in it (although this can be changed at anytime, idea of where his head is )

I wouldn’t be adding value to his house if you’re not on the deeds now?
I now you look at it as rent free, but he has to put a roof over his child’s & wife’s head

I don’t think it’s very fair you paying 50/50 when he gets much more salary than you.
I’d nip this agreement in the bud from now on
come up with something more fair

This is very complicated and I think you need to think carefully about what your doing here for your own future

God, what a stingy, ugly man.

You're over thinking this and are far too in your head/being nice. Get practical.

His kids complicate things, you need to have a conversation about ownership of the house and how he wants to write his will. I would prioritise this over all the other financial decisions, any will he had before you married will now be invalid. Once you settle that I’d have thought the rest will resolve, you’re in for the long haul, it’s doesn’t make sense to have complicated and unequal finances, you need to work out priorities and tackle them together, what are you saving for, are you on track, can you afford your long-term goals with your current day to day spending?

You need a financial advisor. Putting in equal amounts while he earns double is inappropriate. Feeling financially vulnerable on maternity leave while the child's father draws a big salary is inappropriate. Even considering using your savings to pay for a house in another person's name is inappropriate. Something feels very off about this situation.

Oh, and a couple of other things, are you the named beneficiary of his pension, named on any death in service benefits and are there any other assets? A solicitor will need to go through these too make sure you ask the questions.

I generally prefer shared finances. But for this situation, I think keeping finances separate but contributing in proportion to your income is fairest. He should also transfer some savings to you in recognition that he didn’t financially contribute to your baby’s care which you provided by going on maternity leave. Put that money in your pension.

The only part that is complicated is that he has children he doesn’t share with you. If they did not exist, then you should be pooling your resources and getting equal amounts of fun money.

Since they do exist, it would be fair for him to earmark a portion of his assets from before the marriage for them.

Otherwise, the same idea remains. He chose to get married and have a child. You are absorbing the financial consequences of procreation. Women lose money off potential earnings when they have children, even if they remain high earners. You should not be overextending yourself to pay half. He should be compensating you for your losses. The easiest way to do this is to pool your resources, at least going forward.