AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

The key here is that she’s good looking a good looking woman can do what she wants with men married or single no matter what their age

I think the only question here is whether Kathy knows or not

Years ago when first married I had an immaculate neighbour in her 60s with grown up children & good job. She was divorced & attractive with Nigella Lawson looks. She was known to have no strings relationships with men & she didn't care whether they were married or not. I was young & naive & used to think how can they be so keen on a woman that age. I've definitely changed my mind on that one. 😂

I've been Cathy in this situation she may well not realise he's chasing her she may be genuinely heartbroken broken and leaning on what she thinks is a friend and it's crossing into difficult territory or she may be jumping into a rebound with you DH. None of that though really matters as he is lying to you, sneaking off when you're not looking and prioritising it not outright chasing another woman. I'd have a very forthright conversation with him but first decide if you want your marriage to survive. He will probably do the whole darvo so check up on the s riot and go into the conversation armed. Your friendship with Cathy won't survive this btw and it shouldn't she should have told him to piss off if she was your friend not let him in at silly o clock

Hos often does he drop off food to his male friends? How often does he avoid telling you when he meets his non-Cathy friends?

So many red flags. The lies, the evading the questions, the general subterfuge, none of that is the response of someone who is just being friendly with someone. Unfortunately, there is more going on here.

Screams affair sorry

Agree! Id consider it stalking and creepy rather than sweet to wake up to some random milky porridge on my window sill!

Not to mention she might not even notice it immediately - if he wanted her to see it surely he'd put it on her doorstep! Or it could have blown/fallen off or been knocked off if she opened a window - rancid milk and oats all over the drive really says "im thinking of you" 🤔

As a pp posted out, milk left out for a few
hours in this heat would be a smelly bacteria fest rather than a tasty breakfast. Just a weird idea all around.

This with bells on. Would he do the same gor 60 year old Mavis or Gary from it? Nah

I know right? When I was a young woman people used to come up with all this claptrap to explain poor behaviour from men. It was bullshit and I stayed in bad relationships because I wanted to believe believed it. (maybe he’s depressed, sad, lonely, stressed at work, thinks you’re too keen, thinks you’re not keen enough, doesn’t know how to communicate, had a bad childhood). Never again.

OP, do not doubt yourself.
This is 100% not normal.

He's like a dog sniffing around her and an opportunity.
How disgusting.
He is an absolute liar.
Get yourself checked and get ahead of this.

Don't waste your future on such a liar.
Also don't protect him.
Lean on family and friends.

Sorry but 😂

You don’t have to do any of that. You can just decide that you’re not happy about what you’re seeing in front of your very nose and just make that decision accordingly you don’t need any proof.
You can just get divorced without pretzelling yourself

confront her. Turn up unanounced. Then divorce him.

He left it on a windowsill like some sort of soggy oats fairy?

that’s the weirdest excuse for having an addie I’ve ever heard!

Your gut is very rarely wrong. His actions don’t make sense and you know him well enough to know he is lying. You know something is up…just not the extent.

Now you have to decide how to play it.

1. Go full on private investigator. Read his messages, emails, track his location, show up at her house when he’s supposed to be on a ‘run’.
2. Have a serious conversation that his actions have made you uncomfortable and questioning his intentions towards the friend and your marriage. Be very clear that if anything is going on (or he wants it to) it will be the end of your marriage. Tell him you are giving him this one chance to be honest and step back from whatever is happening (if he’s not already DTD).
3. Speak to her subtly and try and get her take. ‘You and DH seem to be going on really early runs recently. How you holding up with your break up? Is DH being supportive or too much?’ If you know your friend well and get her talking you may be able to spot if she is uncomfortable talking about his support.
4. Wait and watch. See if it is a one off or if it’s a recurring pattern. If it continues then pick one of the actions above.

It’s an awful position to be in. Especially when it’s with someone you consider a friend. My advice is be strong on what your boundaries are from the beginning (no lying, telling you where he is, being transparent in his communication with her) and if he can’t respect that then I would come down hard. Ask him to move out / reconsider your relationship. Ultimately if he really wants to cheat he will, the only thing that may stop him is knowing there would be no way back with you and having that made loud and clear.

Could have been related?

Trust your gut-it's never wrong.

This would really concern me, sounds like he’s hiding the truth here

This is fishy as fuck. Sorry op. It may not have gone anywhere - yet - but this needs dealing with. Would you behave like this? Would he be ok with it if you did? Fuck, no,

Do you think he’d be dropping overnight oats at Mavis’s house in her 60s who’d just split up with her husband? That’s always the clincher for me.

I know there are some lovely men who’d do this sort of thing for their wives, mates etc but I think it’s vanishingly rare. Most men aren’t ‘thoughtful’ unless it actually benefits them. They certainly wouldn’t be rushing around doing favours for women they didn’t want to sleep with.

I had a number of married men sniffing after me when I was young, naive and single. I think they liked the vulnerability and the seeming lack of baggage - obviously I appeared more carefree than their wives because they didn’t see me in a domestic setting (it was usually workmates).

Anyway I don’t think Cathy has definitely done anything wrong but your DH is as guilty as hell in intentions if not in execution.

When he starts telling you that you are just being jealous, paranoid etc and that's why he didn't tell you, just smile and say 'that's in the first part of the script'

If he looks confused , sit him down and kindly explain you won't stand for his gaslighting bullshit, and what the 'script' is.

He's spent 3 hours with your friend and lied multiple times about it. You'll never know what exactly happened, but he obviously fancies his chances with her.

Do you have a birthday coming up op? Or similar? Could they be planning a surprise party or something like that for you?

Sorry but the first part alone is dodgy as hell.
he clearly fancies her. When men want something, they pursue it. That’s exactly what he’s doing.

Why don’t you go for a coffee with Cathy and see how you feel after that.. I reckon you will feel awkward and your gut will tell you your answers. She may also shed some light on what’s unfolding.

Your husband thinks the grass is greener!

Ask her - face to face - so you can really see if she’s scrabbling to cover up etc.

And confront him again when he gets home. All sounds very dodgy.