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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

338 replies

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:27

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

OP posts:
TheBlueKoala · 13/07/2026 21:25

@Weejayy It's not controlling. His lies made it all an issue. I would still be wary about his intentions though and keep my eyes open.

superspideysense · 13/07/2026 21:21

Thanks for the update OP. I’m glad it checks out but like you said it’s the lying.

what did he say when you suggested he not see her without you?

Shinyandnew1 · 13/07/2026 21:20

Weejayy · 13/07/2026 21:00

Thank you guys for your comments - I never thought I’d read so many oat puns in my life and thank you to everyone who’s given advice too!

i won’t have a chance to see Cathy for a bit, but I did get DH’s phone and it does all check out in terms of a run. It’s looks like took the 6:10am bus to our city, met Cathy at hers to drop his bag and they went on a 7km run. It’s on Strava too. He then went to the pool which he paid for on our joint account. And then meets a male friend and there’s pictures for that too.

I feel like a complete control freak for checking all this, but I needed to know.

So I’m leaning towards what a lot of you have said - that it’s either the start of an emotional affair or that it’s an unrequited crush. Either way I said to him that I wouldn’t feel ok in the marriage unless he stopped seeing her without me there. I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it. I don’t know if that’s controlling but I felt sick the whole day on Saturday and just don’t want that kind of stress or doubt again. It’s a ten year marriage and we’ve had our ups and downs so we’ll see what happens.

Thank you all for letting me vent and for the support ❤️

What did he reply to what you’d said?

noodlebugz · 13/07/2026 21:11

Prick.

Original poster
Weejayy · 13/07/2026 21:00

Thank you guys for your comments - I never thought I’d read so many oat puns in my life and thank you to everyone who’s given advice too!

i won’t have a chance to see Cathy for a bit, but I did get DH’s phone and it does all check out in terms of a run. It’s looks like took the 6:10am bus to our city, met Cathy at hers to drop his bag and they went on a 7km run. It’s on Strava too. He then went to the pool which he paid for on our joint account. And then meets a male friend and there’s pictures for that too.

I feel like a complete control freak for checking all this, but I needed to know.

So I’m leaning towards what a lot of you have said - that it’s either the start of an emotional affair or that it’s an unrequited crush. Either way I said to him that I wouldn’t feel ok in the marriage unless he stopped seeing her without me there. I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it. I don’t know if that’s controlling but I felt sick the whole day on Saturday and just don’t want that kind of stress or doubt again. It’s a ten year marriage and we’ve had our ups and downs so we’ll see what happens.

Thank you all for letting me vent and for the support ❤️

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/07/2026 20:56

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2026 22:18

The only way it isn't an affair is if Cathy is unwilling. It's perfectly possible that she thinks your husband is just being a supportive friend.

He, on the other hand, is definitely reacting to "finding out she’d been through a bad break up" by sniffing around her like a predator hoping to exploit any vulnerability. Yuk.

Friends who've been divorced said men do sniff around often men they know socially through their wives.

I've had married men make advances in years gone by. Ugh it's so sleazy.

Shewas · 13/07/2026 20:52

outerspacepotato · 13/07/2026 20:32

This. I don't believe he went for a run.

He snuck out of the house before 6 am (OP got up at 6 and he was already gone) and he went to Cathy's and he did not leave his phone. He was there where his location said he was.

You don't do runs (or rows or things like that) and forget your phone. If he's serious to be in a running group, exactly, he would be tracking his runs.

I don't think Cathy's an innocent put upon victim either. Who would be okay with a running friend coming over and lurking around leaving shit that's going to spoil on her windowsill or coming over before 6 AM and spending hours there. I sure wouldn't allow a friend's bf to come over at the crack of dawn and spend hours in my place, I'd send his dumbass home.

Show quote history

I'm sure you-re right he's up to no good, but I never take my phone on a run. My watch tracks my run.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 13/07/2026 20:39

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:37

I think I’ve known her five years. She’s genuinely a lovely person and I’m struggling to wrap my head around her having anything to do with a married man. Though I do think this whole thing is weird.

Show quote history

”Generally lovely people” do have affairs.

Unfortunately cheaters never come with a warning sign.
That’s why so many betrayed partners are completely fooled “my husband / wife is just not the sort of person to cheat”
I wish you all the best, it hurts like hell 💐

outerspacepotato · 13/07/2026 20:32

Poppyfie1ds · 13/07/2026 19:40

Are you in denial? Given the situation you’ve every right to use your words and demand an explanation from both of them about what was going on for 3hrs.

If he was really running there would be some Garmin/Apple running stats to prove it. If he usually monitors his runs and on this occasion he claims he didn’t, don’t accept fall for his BS. Nobody takes a 3hr run and doesn’t use their Garmin or equivalent.

This. I don't believe he went for a run.

He snuck out of the house before 6 am (OP got up at 6 and he was already gone) and he went to Cathy's and he did not leave his phone. He was there where his location said he was.

You don't do runs (or rows or things like that) and forget your phone. If he's serious to be in a running group, exactly, he would be tracking his runs.

I don't think Cathy's an innocent put upon victim either. Who would be okay with a running friend coming over and lurking around leaving shit that's going to spoil on her windowsill or coming over before 6 AM and spending hours there. I sure wouldn't allow a friend's bf to come over at the crack of dawn and spend hours in my place, I'd send his dumbass home.

MrsMist · 13/07/2026 20:26

HumbleKatey · 13/07/2026 20:10

… you need to shower more often.

What?

shihtzuu · 13/07/2026 20:19

Sounds like an emotional affair (which typically comes out of unmet needs). His guilt shows that he does feel bad about it which is good. Definitely worth a convo...

pimplebum · 13/07/2026 20:14

Who the fuck wants over night oats after a divorce ??

gin , yes , fucking oats never!

Error404FucksNotFound · 13/07/2026 20:11

When someone lies like that to your face it is never for a good reason.
Dont ignore it

Teddybear23 · 13/07/2026 20:11

AnonymityAnonymity · 12/07/2026 20:35

He was quick off the mark to make his move after she broke up with her previous partner OP.

Maybe he’s the reason why they split up?

HumbleKatey · 13/07/2026 20:10

… you need to shower more often.

Hatty65 · 13/07/2026 20:00

I'd be sitting him down at this point and telling him that his behaviour with Cathy was utterly unacceptable, and that whether he was having an affair or not, he had behaved in such a peculiar way that he'd raised huge red flags. What kind of married weirdo goes over to leave overnight oats for a woman??? If I was Cathy he'd have freaked me out at that point.

All this shit ends now, with him very open and clear about where he is in future or I would be filing for divorce.

I don't care whether he's having an affair or not - I'm not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who isn't utterly trustworthy and transparent. And he's acting in a very shady manner.

Lyndy74 · 13/07/2026 19:57

At best hes hoping something will happen and is a bit besotted. At worst something is already happening. Some men are sht liars, and woman can spot them a mile off. This is not all he says it is. Sorry....

catlover123456789 · 13/07/2026 19:48

Did you actually meet Cathy's useless boyfriend?

SheThinksShesAllThat · 13/07/2026 19:47

I think what’s odd is he is not being honest with you. If my husband was up and out the house at silly o clock and then his location said he was at the woman’s house, I’d have been pissed!!! Tell you the night before, it’s simply communication and that’ll end your relationship if he is not careful.

GimmieABreakOr3 · 13/07/2026 19:41

It’s the cagey-ness about his whereabouts that is suss… forget Cathy for a moment, why the hell isn’t he being straight about where he is!

Poppyfie1ds · 13/07/2026 19:40

Are you in denial? Given the situation you’ve every right to use your words and demand an explanation from both of them about what was going on for 3hrs.

If he was really running there would be some Garmin/Apple running stats to prove it. If he usually monitors his runs and on this occasion he claims he didn’t, don’t accept fall for his BS. Nobody takes a 3hr run and doesn’t use their Garmin or equivalent.

sunnybaros · 13/07/2026 19:39

Heathcliffe, it's me, it's Cathy
I've come home now, I'm so cold
Leave some oats on my window

Sorry, your husband is not normal.

BeGutsyGoldMoose · 13/07/2026 19:37

This doesn't seem like normal behaviour. I would feel incredibly suspicious in your shoes too OP. As others have said you can either ask outright if your suspicions are correct or gather more evidence before confrontation. Good luck with this.

notanothermother · 13/07/2026 19:34

I came to this thread late because. How many replies?? Can someone please fill me in if there has been an update.

too late now but to OP I wouldn’t have made my husband suspicious I knew. Once he started lying to you about his whereabouts, that’s all you needed to go into spy mode. If he thinks you know, any evidence on a phone will have been deleted. Location sharing will be off or not accurate. I don’t think it’s a good thing to snoop when there is no reason to. Trust is a big thing. But if he’s at a woman’s house and you know he’s there and has no reason to be there and he lies to you about being there then it’s fair game to snoop.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 13/07/2026 19:28

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:48

I thought pretty hard about asking her. Fundamentally, she’s not the one being secretive about this and really this is my husband’s mess.

i don’t know if it’s a bit of an awkward / insulting thing to ask a friend. And she’s already going through her break up. I don’t know - should I ask her?

Show quote history

What was my husband doing round at your house before I woke up at 6am? And still doing at 9am?