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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

338 replies

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:27

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

OP posts:
smilingontheinside · 14/07/2026 22:01

ITMA2000 · 13/07/2026 21:50

But what is wrong with a little bit of a flirt or crush? We only live once and it is soon over.

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Because, my dear, it never stops there!

Blueskiessunshine · 14/07/2026 20:11

Weejayy · 14/07/2026 17:53

he has a garmin which syncs with strava I’m assuming - any runners can correct me if that’s not how it works!

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Yes he doesn't need his phone to record a run. I always record on my garmin watch, never take my phone on a run.

Stationbike · 14/07/2026 18:09

Niccinuuxx · 14/07/2026 17:45

I've known a few 'Kathys' She's left a relationship because he wasn't committed. She wants to settle down and Im assuming as soon as possible if she's wanting a family? Is your husband the quickest way for her to achieve this goal?

Worth considering!

Original poster
Weejayy · 14/07/2026 17:53

ByRealOtter · 13/07/2026 22:08

This! If he left the phone there how could it record his run?????

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he has a garmin which syncs with strava I’m assuming - any runners can correct me if that’s not how it works!

OP posts:
Niccinuuxx · 14/07/2026 17:45

I've known a few 'Kathys' She's left a relationship because he wasn't committed. She wants to settle down and Im assuming as soon as possible if she's wanting a family? Is your husband the quickest way for her to achieve this goal?

MrsMist · 14/07/2026 17:07

Nikinoo69 · 14/07/2026 16:04

Anyone think ITMA 2000 is the husband 🙃

Definitely a man anyway

Seriestwo · 14/07/2026 17:03

Yes, or a woman who has never met a man. Famous for being kind to women they find unattractive, men as a class. “Oh, I don’t want to fuck you, here is some breakfast I made for you”.

Nikinoo69 · 14/07/2026 16:04

Anyone think ITMA 2000 is the husband 🙃

TeaIsLovely · 14/07/2026 15:56

R0XY · 14/07/2026 06:26

Overnight oats. WTAF. Least likely gift to tempt you into an affair.

Constipated Cathy. Oat dude to the rescue. So romantic.

Calliopespa · 14/07/2026 14:55

R0XY · 14/07/2026 06:26

Overnight oats. WTAF. Least likely gift to tempt you into an affair.

Yes. I wouldn't feel seduced by something to keep me regular.

LeedsLoiner · 14/07/2026 14:09

Round and round the windy park,
We'd run around in the dark,
You lost your boyfriend, I said "there there"
And pretended to care...

Heathcliff, it's me, I'm Cathy
I've come home, I'm so cold
Put your oats all over the window

SaladSpin · 14/07/2026 13:27

“Cathy, it’s me, it’s Heathcliff, I’ve popped some oats on your window, I hope that’s okay”.

No no no - I’m sorry to make light of what must feel like a pretty horrible situation. It sounds as though you’ve handled it perfectly and your husband has listened well enough. Wishing you well for whatever happens next x

mumumental · 14/07/2026 13:01

One way or another, up to no good.

12234m · 14/07/2026 12:48

ITMA2000 · 14/07/2026 08:26

Is it mentioned anywhere that Cathy is physically attractive or not? If she isn't, he may just be being kind in paying attention to her.

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WTF! Have you actually meant to post that?!

ElectricLegs · 14/07/2026 12:35

Is the best bet for both of you is that he stops and takes this secret to the grave, or would you want to know?

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2026 12:25

Weejayy · 13/07/2026 21:37

Well, he didn’t love the idea ant first and said that he did value her friendship. I said the problem was that he valued her a bit too much and that it’d already gone too far and then asked him how he would feel if he woke up to find me at a male friend’s house and for me to deny it. He seemed to get it then and agreed that he would only see her with me if that’s what I needed to feel safe in the relationship. So that’s where we’re at x

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It would be if he woke and you were gone and then were very cagey about where you had been.

I think you did fine. Does he act like this with his other friends, taking them food and sneaking out of the house with no notice?

I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it.

That's a good definition right there. If he's keeping a lot of messaging and contact from you or lying, it stops being an innocent friendship.

I think he was going to try his luck. A lot of posters have said that they were hit on by married men after a breakup and I've found that to be pretty true.

But the oats on the windowsill? That's so weird.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 14/07/2026 12:02

Oats are involved here and he would like to make it overnight.

Get your ducks in a row and then dig, dog and dig some more so you know what is happening in your own life.

EndlessWeeding · 14/07/2026 11:40

I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it.

He lied/did everything possible to avoid telling you he'd been with Cathy. I'd have a long think about that. Why did he lie?

Luvnhugs · 14/07/2026 11:10

OP is asking if her feelings & responses to this situation are too controlling. How can a wife objecting to her husband disappearing unannounced before 6am then cavorting (sorry running) about with another woman & worse lying about the circumstances be described as too controlling. What next, a weekend away under the umbrella of a fun run event the OP is too busy to attend. The mind boggles.

TFImBackIn · 14/07/2026 10:31

OP, your ups and downs over the last few years - have they involved him lying or having crushes on other women?

PeoplesNet · 14/07/2026 09:44

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:27

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

It's such a specific gift that it actually shows how much effort he went into, to be thoughtful.. the oats.

Ask the woman. Pretend you already know. "He told me, I just want to know when it started". If she denies it then tell her to give him space so you can get your peace of mind back.

PeoplesNet · 14/07/2026 09:40

MouldEight · 12/07/2026 20:33

If he was, would Cathy have told OP about them?

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Yes, it's clever not to hide things others might have seen and mentioned. Get ahead of it.

ITMA2000 · 14/07/2026 08:26

ClovisWrites · 14/07/2026 07:37

It could well be that Cathy’s fine but husband is lingering around her being a bit creepy.

Is it mentioned anywhere that Cathy is physically attractive or not? If she isn't, he may just be being kind in paying attention to her.

ClovisWrites · 14/07/2026 07:37

It could well be that Cathy’s fine but husband is lingering around her being a bit creepy.

TasteOfHerCherryChapstick · 14/07/2026 06:32

The lying by omission and cagey answers are highly suspicious! As someone who has used Strava as an alibi it is possible to cheat the system and make it look like you were somewhere else or engaged in a different activity. Did his run have a route map and did the start / finish times & duration look right? Was his swim on Strava too? Could he have paid for his pool session online with the joint card? He posted a picture of his swimming buddy as 'proof' but not his running one? Did you see the 'proof' picture on Strava or on his phone?

So he took a bus, his running gear and swimming gear and then presumably a change of clothes and shower stuff as he went into the city for a while? Maybe he packs light but I'd still expect to see a big sports bag of gear with him on his return!