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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to find my husband's early-morning visit to our friend fishy?

338 replies

Weejayy · 12/07/2026 20:27

My husband and I have a lovely female mutual friend, who we will call Cathy.

My husband (31m) left her some overnight oats on her windowsill after finding out she’d been through a bad break up. Sweet thing to do. He didn’t tell me about it but she did later and I was like oh, ok, maybe it just slipped his mind.

Then yesterday morning I wake up at 6am and my husband isn’t anywhere in the house. I get on with my day and assume he’s just on a run. At 9am I start getting worried that he’s not back so I give him a call. No answer. So I check find my friends and discover he’s at Cathy’s address.

Cathy and him have a running group together so I sort of assume the group have all gone running together and are having brunch.

I give him another call to let him know I’m taking the car and when I’m likely to be back from meeting friends. I ask him about his morning and what he’s been doing, sort of expecting he’d say he’d had a good run with the group.

He says he’s been getting on with his day. I say oh, ok, where did you go? (I was slightly bummed he hadn’t sent a courtesy text that he’d be out). He answers with the name of our nearest city. I said oh ok, who are you with? (Still thinking I’d get news from our friends but now feeling a bit weird that he isn’t really giving a straight answer)
he says he’s on his own. (at this point I’m plain suspicious) so I ask him, so where in [name of our city] are you? He says oh, you know, around [name of city] I go yes but where? He replies with the name of a side road I wouldn’t recognise. And I say who were you with this morning? (At this point I think he’s clocked I know) so he says ‘Cathy’ and I say ‘you were at her house?’ He sounds a bit panicked and says ‘I just left my phone there while we were out running.’
at which point I go ‘ok, I think that’s all I need to know.’

technnically, none of this is lying and they may well have just gone on a run together and the rest of group didn’t show up. But am I being unreasonable for finding the cover up to this whole thing a bit fishy? Like why didn’t he just tell me straight?

OP posts:
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raspberryrisotto · 27/07/2026 03:07

Any update @Weejayy?

Stationbike · 16/07/2026 23:29

Luvnhugs · 16/07/2026 20:52

You shouldn't describe yourself as an unattractive lump. There are men who literally seek out women who consider themselves as you describe. Hold your head up. Your as attractive as you portray & carry yourself 😉😊

Show quote history

You are kind.
I really don't see myself like that, well perhaps only when it it's 30 degrees and humid🙄.

My point is men are invariably VERY selective about whom they are kind and thoughtful towards.

Its rarely middle aged Mabel and usually young fit Sophie that inspires them🤨

Kind and thoughtful random behaviour like overnight bloody oats, doesn't come naturally to me in my experience from men.

More like seeking to sow random bloody oats.!

mumumental · 16/07/2026 22:44

I think that once they start lying to you, it’ll never be the same again, as you won’t know if he is still lying but being more careful.

Luvnhugs · 16/07/2026 20:52

Stationbike · 16/07/2026 16:54

If my husband behaved like this and we were pre children, there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever have a family with him.

As far as I am concerned he is a liar and on the prowl.

If your friend was an unattractive lump like me, would he be up making overnight bloody oats?

Would he heck🙄.

He's sneaky, and dishonest.
Rethink this relationship.
This will not be the last time this happens.
He has 100% shown you who he is.

You shouldn't describe yourself as an unattractive lump. There are men who literally seek out women who consider themselves as you describe. Hold your head up. Your as attractive as you portray & carry yourself 😉😊

GimmieABreakOr3 · 16/07/2026 17:26

I think it’s also a case of boundaries:

Id not feel comfortable with my husband going out for early “runs” with another woman

I’d not feel comfortable with my husband dropping off overnight oats for breakfast for another woman.

My hubby makes me brekkie, that I do condone 😇

He’d very quickly not be my husband if he broke these boundaries.

Stationbike · 16/07/2026 16:54

If my husband behaved like this and we were pre children, there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever have a family with him.

As far as I am concerned he is a liar and on the prowl.

If your friend was an unattractive lump like me, would he be up making overnight bloody oats?

Would he heck🙄.

He's sneaky, and dishonest.
Rethink this relationship.
This will not be the last time this happens.
He has 100% shown you who he is.

monkey666lynn · 16/07/2026 15:26

Get round there to Cathy's and have it out with her. If she caves you'll know it's true. And then deal with HIM...

agentmarmalade · 16/07/2026 14:49

You've done the correct thing to tell him to stop seeing him without you.

He had better ensure that he values his friendship with you and his marriage with you before he begins valuing friendships with other women.

Niccinuuxx · 16/07/2026 07:35

How long have they been running together? They share an interest, they have had time to get to know each other, they have had time to make plans. Sorry x

ItsPerfectlyNormal · 15/07/2026 15:22

Weejayy · 13/07/2026 21:00

Thank you guys for your comments - I never thought I’d read so many oat puns in my life and thank you to everyone who’s given advice too!

i won’t have a chance to see Cathy for a bit, but I did get DH’s phone and it does all check out in terms of a run. It’s looks like took the 6:10am bus to our city, met Cathy at hers to drop his bag and they went on a 7km run. It’s on Strava too. He then went to the pool which he paid for on our joint account. And then meets a male friend and there’s pictures for that too.

I feel like a complete control freak for checking all this, but I needed to know.

So I’m leaning towards what a lot of you have said - that it’s either the start of an emotional affair or that it’s an unrequited crush. Either way I said to him that I wouldn’t feel ok in the marriage unless he stopped seeing her without me there. I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it. I don’t know if that’s controlling but I felt sick the whole day on Saturday and just don’t want that kind of stress or doubt again. It’s a ten year marriage and we’ve had our ups and downs so we’ll see what happens.

Thank you all for letting me vent and for the support ❤️

The trouble is, once they've lied to you (no matter how "innocently") it puts doubt in your head for everything. I hope that you can work through things.

You're not being unreasonable to not want them together alone. If he isn't a complete sleaze bag and actually cares about you, he will be happy to do that for you, no questions.

Just don't let any future doubts eat you up inside. Talk about it.

DeeNiall · 15/07/2026 14:36

@ITMA2000 , Your link isn't right. Smile

BeesAndCrumpets · 15/07/2026 13:57

I explained that I felt it had stopped being an innocent friendship when he decided to lie to me about it.

Absolutely BRAVO to this, OP. I hope the silly fucker sorts it out. Getting to the bottom of why he thought lying might be a good idea...

Therealjudgejudy · 15/07/2026 12:01

He sounds very sneaky. Its the lying I'd have a problem with.

Wowisthisit · 15/07/2026 11:45

I had a friend who was being approached by a married man (who she considered a good acquaintance) and one of the things he did initially was leave little 'innocent' gifts on her front step. She just thought it was a nice gesture at first (it was covid and she was living alone) it soon became apparent that this was not innocent at all.

Piknik · 15/07/2026 10:31

Poppyfie1ds · 15/07/2026 09:41

If he left his phone and bag at hers, how did he go swimming- naked- liberal swimming baths in your area? If he picked up his phone and bag from hers before going swimming, why didn’t he respond to your messages? You need to be checking the times. A 7k run would take less than an hour to complete, barely 40 minutes if he’s quick. 3 hours for a 7k run and a few laps of a pool still leaves time unaccounted for and doesn’t explain why he ignored your messages/missed calls.

I still call BS. He agreed a little too easily to your request to not think he’s just relieved you’ve accepted the story and will work out how to still see Cathy later. If they are in a running club together, is he going to leave the club?

And we haven’t even gotten into the fact that this story involved making plans with two friends for met-ups before 9am and not bothering to mention it to you? Do you normally lead separate lives where he leaves without waking you, to go places he hasn’t mentioned to you while ignoring your calls?

The photos of the swimming is most perplexing, what grown man takes photos of his mate swimming? This feels the most made up. As I said though, even if he’s now being honest, check the times. At her house they could get up to all sorts and only need a few minutes. The fact he can account for half the time is no evidence at all.

The fact he panicked and lied is telling you everything you need to know. If the morning was so innocent he would have instantly said “oh I went for a run with way Cathy and then straight on to swimming and didn’t think to check my phone.” Not difficult. His fumbling around an explanation tells you there is something less innocent about it.

Edited

Completely agree. Fishy as Salmon

HatStickBoots · 15/07/2026 10:17

Agree with @Poppyfie1ds and especially about the selfies at the swimming pool with a mate unless they’re for Cathy’s benefit!

Poppyfie1ds · 15/07/2026 09:41

If he left his phone and bag at hers, how did he go swimming- naked- liberal swimming baths in your area? If he picked up his phone and bag from hers before going swimming, why didn’t he respond to your messages? You need to be checking the times. A 7k run would take less than an hour to complete, barely 40 minutes if he’s quick. 3 hours for a 7k run and a few laps of a pool still leaves time unaccounted for and doesn’t explain why he ignored your messages/missed calls.

I still call BS. He agreed a little too easily to your request to not think he’s just relieved you’ve accepted the story and will work out how to still see Cathy later. If they are in a running club together, is he going to leave the club?

And we haven’t even gotten into the fact that this story involved making plans with two friends for met-ups before 9am and not bothering to mention it to you? Do you normally lead separate lives where he leaves without waking you, to go places he hasn’t mentioned to you while ignoring your calls?

The photos of the swimming is most perplexing, what grown man takes photos of his mate swimming? This feels the most made up. As I said though, even if he’s now being honest, check the times. At her house they could get up to all sorts and only need a few minutes. The fact he can account for half the time is no evidence at all.

The fact he panicked and lied is telling you everything you need to know. If the morning was so innocent he would have instantly said “oh I went for a run with way Cathy and then straight on to swimming and didn’t think to check my phone.” Not difficult. His fumbling around an explanation tells you there is something less innocent about it.

ITMA2000 · 15/07/2026 09:39

ITMA2000 · 15/07/2026 09:35

Well, I don't know what is right or wrong, but the youngsters seem : Look t this:

ITMA2000 · 15/07/2026 09:35

Well, I don't know what is right or wrong, but the youngsters seem : Look t this:

DeeNiall · 15/07/2026 08:37

ITMA2000 · 15/07/2026 08:03

Just being realistic. She can't help being cute, he can't help looking at her. What was that old song "Can't take my eyes off of you, you are too good to be true, I want you so much"? It's just the old love at first sight which can never be ended (and should never be ended)

Show quote history

Frankie Valli or Andy Williams (written by Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio) and your quote is not right.

ITMA2000 · 15/07/2026 08:03

Nikinoo69 · 14/07/2026 16:04

Anyone think ITMA 2000 is the husband 🙃

Just being realistic. She can't help being cute, he can't help looking at her. What was that old song "Can't take my eyes off of you, you are too good to be true, I want you so much"? It's just the old love at first sight which can never be ended (and should never be ended)

Hilly89 · 15/07/2026 00:52

I’ve been in a very similar situation as you and my ex was most definitely doing more than running with the creature I considered my best friend.
He even left me for her and she then rejected him!
He is still my ex lol. And she’s no longer in my orbit of friendship and family.
I truly hope that you can find peace and move on from two cretins who don’t deserve your respect and time

SnowFrogJelly · 14/07/2026 22:29

So he’s disappeared up her crack and left her some oats overnight..

Eggybreadwithnuts · 14/07/2026 22:20

The Script will help you get a heads up, if anyone can post a link to it