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AIBU?

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Original poster

Alone time by yourself when you’re a stepmum ?

29 replies

Biscoffie · 12/07/2026 14:42

Boyfriend is becoming increasingly annoyed/upset that I don’t spend every waking minute with his kids!

We’ve been together 2 years. He has 2 twin boys aged 4 (5 in September). They are with us every other week for the whole week. I love them, I have zero issues with this schedule and I make sure I’m available for fun weekends with them, and I play with them when I can.

But I am exhausted a lot of the time (no medical reason as to why). I’ve rejoined the gym recently and there’s been some raised eyebrows from boyfriend if I say I’m off to the gym. He doesn’t really say much about me going to see friends but I know he doesn’t like it if the boys are here.

Sometimes I just want to go to my room and read a book or scroll on my phone when they’re here, even just for an hour or so. Boyfriend doesn’t like this and either follows me (with the boys) or will say that I should be sitting with them. When they’re here they play together in the living room and I feel like it’s chaos (which is understandable with kids!) and I’d just like some time to do “adult” things on my own. But it seems like it’s making my boyfriend annoyed.

It’s not that he wants me to “take over” care or entertain them, he just wants me there all the time. I’m boiling today and struggling with the heat, I said I’m going to sit in the bedroom (where we have aircon), and he started saying “well what about us? The boys don’t understand why you’re not sitting with us, they’ll think you’re poorly” etc etc.

I feel stifled, and feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I understand he has kids and accepted this from day one. But I didn’t expect it to be so all consuming.

Boyfriend has said it’s made him think I won’t like being a mum (if we have kids) because this is what parenthood is.

he calls me their stepmum which I know isn’t generally accepted on here as we’re not married yet, but I do fulfil that role if that makes sense (bar the time I’d like to spend alone!!!)

Aibu?

OP posts:
mooshkymoo · 12/07/2026 15:00

Let me get this straight: he has a week completely child free, then expects to share childcare 50/50 (and gets stroppy if it’s not) on the week he does have them? I think it might be your boyfriend who’s going to struggle if more children were added to the mix 🤔

Starfish1021 · 12/07/2026 14:58

This is properly giving ‘nanny with a fanny’ vibes. He wants you with him constantly because he doesn’t want to do this alone. Of course you are allowed a life. Get to the gym, see friends. If this doesn’t go down well then he is showing his true colours. Being in a relationship as a step mum doesn’t actually mean you need to be chained to them. That’s completely ridiculous

Popdropper · 12/07/2026 14:52

Big red flag I'm afraid OP, it's controlling apart from anything else, you should be able to sit in another room in your own home if you want to! Not good that he guilts you over things that would most likely never occur to the DC either, like you being poorly if you sit in the bedroom. That comes from him, not them, he is not understanding that being a step parent is not the same as being a parent and you are not responsible for them in the same way he is.

Even if he's not dumping their care on you he's still expecting you to be fully present the way he has to be as their dad and that's not right, for them or you. Really hard boundaries from you about what you are and aren't prepared to do are the only way forward here, and I would be considering leaving the relationship if he can't/won't accept those boundaries.

Bigtrapeze · 12/07/2026 14:51

OP, you are very much allowed to have time to yourself even if they are your kids! This is not the right expectation. They are his kids. You might take part in some stuff and not others, plus I think he should have some time just with them anyway so they get their dad to themselves.

I have 2DSC and we have one together. I was pretty involved with DSC but their dad always did bath and bedtime and took them to activities. I would sometimes be at home with one while he did something with the other and I babysat sometimes but not often, as if DH wasn't there they would be with their mum who wanted to see them. We did holidays and days out together but my presence was never assumed and if I had plans, off I went. Having a baby of my own wasn't massively different in that if I had somewhere else to be, DH would look after her if he was free.

It was actually a great opportunity to see what kind of parent/co-parent he was. You might also be seeing this and drawing a different conclusion to me.