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Original poster

To refuse to lend DS £1,200 when he's still booked to go on holiday?

309 replies

Jaxonus · 12/07/2026 13:25

I don't know what to do for the best as whatever I do frrls wrong
It's been a nightmare few years (probably 4) with DS and I thought we were through the other side but now I don't know

It's too long to list but something changed and he didn't care about his behaviour or school, he wasn't ever academic and was much better at practical type lessons but he was well behaved up until then but he seemed to enjoy being the class cleon and no matter what punishment he got he didn't care and in fact found it funny. He was also fixated on girls and I spoke to him multiple times about how he was treating them but that didn't go in either

When he was 16 announced he had a gf and she was pregnant but was cagy and defensive about other details and told me to stop questioning him. In the end it turned out he was lying and on a dating app and his gf was 22, she apparently knew his real age and didn't mind which I didn't believe but it later turned our that it was true.

She already had a child and ds seemed to have taken on the father role for both children. I know people will judge me especially because of the age gap but I didn't know what to do and if I went all in with anger and disapproval it would have just pushed him away when we didn't have the best relationship as it was. He’d just turned 16 and I found out about 2 months before she gave birth and he would have been 15 when baby was conceived and I did call his school and tried to speak to safeguarding as he was under the age of consent but nothing really was done and he ended up failing his gcses

He spent a year doing nothing pretty much apart from the bare minimum at college but his attendance was atrocious, he gave up rugby and he spent most of his time with her and if not in his room

Then last year he got an apprenticeship in carpentry and he seemed to enjoy it and I thought great, I bought him decent boots, gave him lifts on the odd few occasions he needed me to if the buses were unreliable due to the weather or something, lend him money if he was short until payday etc. And it was going great but he ended up losing it a few weeks ago die to health and safety, there wasn't a huge incident it was a bunch of things and his bosses were probably more patient than some would've been but he threw it back into their faces

He’d been spoken to multiple times about not having the right gear, taking shortcuts, climbing where he shouldn't, stupid little things that he shouldve known better for. According to him everyone else did it but whether they did or not is here nor there as they kept warning him until they'd had enough. He's convinced they just wanted rid of him and are using this as an excuse

Since then, he says he's applied for a few jobs but then circles back and says there's no jobs anyway. He's back to spending most his time in his room or with his gf even during weekdays when the children are at school or nursery as his gf doesn't work dur to a health condition. I've always been polite to her for my grandchild's sake but I don't agree with the choices they make

He still lives here officially and came home yesterday and asked me to lend him money, apparently £1,200 for his gf as she needs it for bills and there's some issue with child maintenance for the older child's dad, he kept saying it was only temporary and he/she would pay me back, I said no and he's turned it on me saying I don't care and he's weaponsing contact with the grandchildren now

The thing is, I could potentially do it but i’d be stretched but the reason I said no was because in a few weeks he's booked to go to Italy with her and the children, he booked it using his government trust fund he got at 18, which I told him to be careful with but no he knows best and booked a holiday

I mentioned it yesterday and he said it's different as it's already been booked and the children are excited and I can't tell him to upset a 5 and 2 year old by csncelling and they'd lose some money anyway. They've never been abroad and want to make memories etc (which they could do here and go next year or when they have more money)

I'm not made of money but I'm careful because I have to be and I do have money put away for emergencies like car repairs or things like that. He's barely spoken to me and apparently I'm unsupportive. I've mentioned jobs again and he said he'll look properly after their holiday but repeated there's no jobs anywhere

If he'd actually been looking and cancelled id maybe I wouldn't have hesitated but he isn't helping himself or anyone But he's accused of me making the children suffer but I don't see how I am

AIBU for refusing?

OP posts:
AgeingGreycefully · 13/07/2026 19:15

Whorulestheroost1 · 12/07/2026 13:34

Tough love OP. Hell would freeze over before I gave them the money.

This!

daughterfromhell · 13/07/2026 19:15

Not saying he’s lying but AI is unusual in Italy. It’s really not a regular AI destination.

TheBigFatMermaid · 13/07/2026 19:15

If he’s still living with you officially speaking, does that mean they are claiming benefits as though he isn’t there? Because that’s another issue that will bite him on the bum.

I do wish people who don't have a clue wouldn't try and give benefits advice.

This absolutely will not "bite him on the bum" as he is not working. If he was, yes, it might be an issue, although as he's officially living with OP and can prove that, it wouldn't be. It's definitely not a problem anyway, as if he was living with his GF,they'd be entitled to MORE money, not less! Hardly the bite on the bum you think it is.

Anyway,back to the OPs question. No, you are not being unreasonable to not lend him money. They dont need to make memories with kids too young to remember. They need to pay bills, get a job and behave like the grown ups they think they are.
.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 13/07/2026 19:13

I agree, don’t lend it. I also agree with possible undiagnosed ADHD.

EastGrinstead · 13/07/2026 19:10

Don't enable your DS.

He would still like a holiday but he was not bothered enough to keep a job.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 13/07/2026 19:07

Housebashing · 12/07/2026 14:37

It comes down to whether you want a relationship with your son and his child or not
He will come through this and he will get a job and he will be a good father and he will be a good partner but he just needs time and space to grow up in either you’re gonna provide that support and then you get to be part of the next stage
Or you take a chance that you might just get cut out completely. What’s that £1200 worth to you?

Show quote history

You have no idea if any of that will ever happen. Unless you are the son or his gf? How long shall she give him to grow up? He wants the adult benefits so he needs to start acting like an adult.

I think it's frankly horrid of you to suggest she "buy" her son's love. She starts doing that and it will never, ever stop. And THAT is what happens more than your utopian scenario.

PenelopePinkerton · 13/07/2026 18:58

Absolutely not. I can’t believe you’re actually asking if you’re being unreasonable.

whistlesandbells · 13/07/2026 18:52

🤔 It is a criminal offense for anyone who is 16 or older to have any kind of sexual contact with someone aged 13, 14 or 15.

The woman he impregnated is actually a rapist as she groomed him and he had no capacity to consent. So it’s completely justifiable to refuse to play along with this in any way financially.

He doesn’t live with her because it would impact her financial situation if he did (benefits). He can also live between houses to flit back and forth avoiding responsibility.

You should ask him to move out OP. I would hate him to go and live with the woman but he has a child with her and you won’t turn his head from her.

BySharpPanda · 13/07/2026 18:52

Don't lend it I make that mistake many times and also paid weddings, house deposits, uni fees and I got nothing but abuse, wouldn't ask for a lift as I don't drive, but you won't get any respect or gratitude, so I would advise No

Hankunamatata · 13/07/2026 18:42

No i wouldnt lend money

They can cancel holiday, lose deposit and use rest for bills. They are grown up enough to play happy families then they are gown up enough to manage their money

TooHotToBoogie · 13/07/2026 18:40

Housebashing · 12/07/2026 14:07

It’s £1200 £100 a month versus not having a relationship with your son and your grandchildren ? I spend more than that getting my nails done and you probably waste 100 quid quite happily on another stuff that you don’t need. Just give the kid the money.

How the hell do you know the OP wastes money on stuff she doesn't need?!?!?!? Give your head a little wobble luv

LouiseK93 · 13/07/2026 18:23

Dont lend him the money.
Report the sex offender (which she is!!) To the police.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/07/2026 18:21

Not a chance. I’m a total softie as a mother and give my children far too much of me, time, money etc but I draw the line at this.
Nope. If he wants to act like a grown man then he can provide like one.

Colcupcake1 · 13/07/2026 18:18

Don’t lend him any money. You’ll never see it again from either of them!! Chances are this relationship won’t last anyway. It would have been cheaper for him to have bought a packet of condoms rather than have a baby that he clearly can’t support

Lollipop81 · 13/07/2026 18:11

So a 22 year old woman was sleeping with a 15 year old boy, not great is it. If it was a man sleeping with a girl and got her pregnant I can imagine there would be plenty of comments about it but so far I haven’t seen a single comment about this.
if it was me I would make sure they had food etc but I can’t imagine why she would need £1200, how has she managed to get into that much debt. It doesn’t ring true does it, is it spending money for the holiday? If they are really desperate she could get a crisis loan. I would definitely want more info on what it is for.

riceuten · 13/07/2026 17:58

If you do it, it won’t be the last time, and if you get the money back, it will be a miracle. If any of this makes you struggle, then you need to say a hard no.

Breadbutterandjam · 13/07/2026 17:14

Op I wouldn’t be giving him the money either. He won’t be the last person having to cancel a holiday and telling children there is no holiday. When he booked the holiday did he start saving for spending money straight away?

I wouldn’t be having anyone holding me over a barrel. Give in once, and he will be blackmailing you again and again

Monty36 · 13/07/2026 17:01

I suspect the money is for the holiday.
You would be giving him the money if you do. You won’t see it again. So not a loan. If you give him the money he will ask again. It will be something else. Another bill. Not that you will ever have sight of the bill. Or their finances.

Emotional blackmail is a nasty thing. And your son and his girlfriend are dishing it up to you.

If he ever asks you to pay a bill ask to know who it is to be paid to directly, get the details and pay them. Never just give the cash or money to him. No sight of a bill or invoice, no payment.

If it is for the holiday then ask for sight of the invoice, booking, anything so you can pay them directly. That is if you choose to pay this one time only. And make sure you know he will ask again, and that the answer will be no.

Never just give him a load of money. A bill, a payment - who does it go to ?

Marieb19 · 13/07/2026 16:47

You are being abused and coerced by your own son. Traits he may have learned from his sexually abusive, scrounging girl friend. Time for some tough love for your own sake and his. Absolutely no way do you give him and her money. If they want money, they can earn it and he should pay you rent if he lives with you.

gardeningrocker · 13/07/2026 16:36

Oh wow, where to begin?
You would not be doing your son any favours by lending( giving , because you won’t be repaid) this money. He is still very young but he has made some stupid choices and this is when he needs to see consequences if you are hoping for a change in his behaviour.
He has time on his side to go back to college/ training but he has to see the need for that and he won’t if you bail him out constantly. As a father he should be wanting to better his life to contribute to his child’s upbringing.
My youngest put her trust money towards gap year travelling which we fully endorsed, but she has not got a child and worked part time whilst studying to fund the trip and got decent exam results.
Basically he needs to grow up and start making better choices or he will be another young person who thinks the rest of us tax payers should fund his life!

JHound · 13/07/2026 02:29

He’s irresponsible so any money you lend him you will never see again. He’s also a pisstaker. He can cancel his holiday and use that money for his emergencies.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 12/07/2026 23:52

Housebashing · 12/07/2026 14:07

It’s £1200 £100 a month versus not having a relationship with your son and your grandchildren ? I spend more than that getting my nails done and you probably waste 100 quid quite happily on another stuff that you don’t need. Just give the kid the money.

If he wants to play daddy then her needs to grow up and step up. Borrowing him the money will set a precedent with an immature couple who don't work yet think they are entitled to holidays and whatever they want.

And the reaction of if you don't give me money when I want it I will keep your grandchild away from you says a lot about him and his GF. He can throw his tantrum all he wants.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/07/2026 22:53

Do not give him any money

chocoluv · 12/07/2026 21:20

RoseOliviaAu · 12/07/2026 20:40

He’s tried school and apprenticeships. Time for an actual job.

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He is applying for jobs but without any qualifications he’s going to struggle to get anything with a decent pay.

I’d be encouraging him to get a different apprenticeship and making sure he gets the right support.

Mix56 · 12/07/2026 20:43

Do not lend (give, you’ll never get it back) him the money, it’s a lie, they want a new tv or some other shite. Or they will spend it on ice creams.
This child may not be your grandchild anyway.
if he weaponises the child to get your money. Its best to make a stand now, if not it will never ever stop.
Their relationship will end, she will then say its not his baby. He will have to grow up, & then, maybe, you can try & help him.
Have you said, I have nothing spare, & what I have I have had to work for, you need to do the same