Wedding money how much?

@Gall10you're incredibly arrogant and rude, it’s not for you to judge, every wedding I’ve attended asks for cash, nobody wants your ‘gift’.
Most couples have a home and the cash allows them to choose their own gift.
Mandatory free bar? get a grip.

£200 is ideal, also don’t listen to those saying I don’t agree with money;give a gift, that’s just rude when they’ve specified they do not want gifts. It’s their wedding not somewhere for your high horse.

Sounds like paying for the meal cost is a cultural thing so not really relevant.

Having said that, I do think generally about covering the cost....more to psychologically justify/reconcile with myself that it feels a lot of money to give someone but that it's effectively only likely to be a bit more than the equivalent of a nice meal out (if that makes sense).

I would have thought £230 is package cost and not just food.

You'll get different opinions on here obviously but I'd say £200 is generous but if you can afford it, great. £150 would be fine too. If you really can't afford it then less is fine.

In a scenario where my children didn't know the wedding party I'd probably do £100 with my DH and not take the kids and save them some money that way!

Is this a very large wedding or have you only been invited out of duty? I think taking the whole family when you don’t otherwise see him/them is a bit much tbh…

£230 per head! WTF! That’s their crazy choice to have a wedding that expensive! My auntie who I love dearly and see regularly gave us £200 for our wedding.
£200 is more than enough for someone you don’t see! I’d probably only give £50 that’s what we had from most guests. You have to think if you could be due to go to any other similar weddings and would need to make the same if not more contribution if those people are closer!

You do not cover the cost of your place! Ive seen that on here before. £100 is very generous. You hardly know him either.

Can I ask how that works? Do you Google the venue and find out the costs (you would have been wrong if you'd done that for my wedding), how do you find that information if its not obvious (e.g. the reception is at a hire only venue and outside catering is being used? Do the couple put the 'price' in the invite? Do people not invite old Aunties living on their pension or young adult cousins who have just got their first job in case they can't meet expectations?

£200 is perfect. Paying that much a head is insane. They shouldn't be paying that if they need money back. The money from you is a gift to show your love. Don't over think it.

I NEVER give money as a wedding gift when asked…although I’d give it if it wasn’t requested.
To me, asking for money is the most common, classless, cheeky, entitled, grifting, begging thing to do!
If you don’t want gifts then say ‘donate to our chosen charity’ , ‘spend the money on a new outfit for the celebration’ or even ‘just use money to buy drinks at our wedding’ (although I think a free bar at weddings should be mandatory!).

It’s a celebration not a transactional event. The cost of the wedding is a decision made by the bride and groom.
£200 is not in any way mean.

i read that money should cover food and drinks
Whatever dark corner of the internet you read that on should be completely ignored. You are a guest, you are not expected to pay for yourself. It is utterly crass that you have been told what the cost per head is. Nobody should be telling anyone that and guests shouldn't be trying to figure it out.

£100 is plenty.

who is paying for the wedding?
what would the money be for? a honeymoon? or to help towards the wedding?
i think go with £250

I would say £100 per couple so £150-200 with 2 kids as well would be ideal but £100 would be ok if you were strapped for cash.

I agree with the poster who said it is crass that you have been told the cost and also there is no way the sum you have been given is just the cost of the food. £100 for a couple attending is a fairly standard amount to give (as long as its not a destination wedding). If you can give £150 with there being 2 children I would say that is a nice gift.

Is it normal now for guests to pay for their place at someone’s wedding?! I would decline any invitation if I was expected to pay over £200 my dinner, I will go to McDonalds instead and have a better time

That’s probably venue per head - so drinks, canapés, food, table scapes, flowers etc. It’s probably not just food. We have food and drinks of £30,000 and £20,000 for venue hire. Add in more for band, flowers etc. That brings the cost pp well over £230 (more people) but we aren’t telling anyone what is being paid! That’s the crass bit!

All of which leads me to wonder @narcASD how it is that you know the cost of the meal and that it’s the same for the children? Is there any suggestion that you’ve been told this as a nudge to suggesting how expensive your family’s meal will be and what you should contribute to cover this? Is that really the cost of the meal or is it the cost per guest of the whole event?

As you are a close friend of the bride‘s mother, is there a way to ask her about what’s expected and ask if it would be easier on finances not to bring your partner and children?

Although I take the point of @ChiasMarineras about not taking four people to a wedding if you couldn’t afford to cover the cost of the meal, this is close family so presumably it would be strange if only @narcASD turned up because of that? Surely it isn’t a question of “taking“ close family members of the bride?

If I was going to a wedding simply as a couple, I would gift at least £200. Although where I am from, it is typical to give more than people seem to gift in England.

I think £100-200 is fine depending on how close you are to the family. Don't feel obligated to give more than you can afford. I don't believe the cost of the meal is relevant.

I also find it hard to believe that the meal is £230 per head.

I would give what you can afford although I would try to cover the most if what the meal was. For example if the meal was £50 per head give £200.

I am from a culture where you cover the meal and then add some on top, but I also wouldn’t take 4 people to a wedding if I couldn’t afford at least a 600-800 gift.

However, £230 per head is ridiculous. What are you being served, a 5-course Michelin star menu!?

I usually do £150-200 for distant friends or colleagues I don’t know that well, going up to £400-500 for close friends or family (that’s when I go alone, more if I take DH or kids etc).

I’ve never been anywhere claiming the menu was anything over £100-120. And I’ve eaten amazingly at those more expensive weddings, so I don’t understand how they’ve arrived to that figure. Are drinks, venue hire, photographers and dresses all included in that calculation? 😂 Are they expecting the guests to pay for their full wedding?

There are plenty of cultures where money is the accepted gift and I’m fine with it these days but I give £50 to most. For a godson or niece I would give £100.

£50-100 is normal.

The meal is never £230.

No way the meals costs that. They’ve divided the whole cost of the wedding venue per guest. So it may be that they’ve paid £23,000 for 100 guests but much of that will be unavoidable costs.
We have just been to a wedding with similar costs and numbers and amongst the people in my family we did £200 per family. And the couple were extremely grateful. We had a clear message that they expected nothing as they knew weddings are already expensive to attend. I reckon we paid £600 on top of the gift.
If everyone paid their costs weddings would be free!

This is the insidious creep of American wedding culture into UK. I’m hoping this is a Michelin star restaurant? If not, that cost per head definitely includes cutlery hire, flowers Dj etc etc too.

our 3 course silver service wedding ‘breakfast’, canapés before, late night snacks (think mini fish and chips, baby burgers) for everyone by a really good caterer (ex Michelin restaurant chef) , but excluding wine, was c£75 per head