Would this put you off sex with your husband ?

You do realise what you have written above is the thoughts of someone being abused and being forced to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with?

If sex isn't pleasurable, then you don't do it.

If he gets in a mood because you said no, then that's just nasty and disrespectful, and it's not surprising that you don't want to have sex with someone who behaves like that.

You need to tell all this to your DH. Tell him that you get no enjoyment out of sex with him because he makes it feel like you're being forced to do it or endure his moods.

Unless you tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel, then there is no way forward from this.

"I do not think it is necessarily to do with you, it's you and him together."

By this I mean with a different man, things may be totally different.

But either way it is affecting you.

"I’m just dead inside for sex with him. I’m trying to understand why ? Whether it’s his attitude? Whether it’s just marriage ? Whether I want something new and shiny now and want to feel that spark again.
or whether I’m broken ? Is it me ?"

I do not think it is necessarily to do with you, it's you and him together.

"I was summoned to countless chats about it a few years ago, where we tried to get to the bottom of it. It didn’t really explain much."

This sounds really grim, it seems he is putting all the onus on you.

"I have to say one weird thing is that my body does respond positively sometimes but my mind still doesn’t want to give in. It’s like a mental block around allowing myself to enjoy it."

I am wondering if he had done something in the past to cause a mental block for you, or if someone else has done something. This could be a cause but I would strongly suggest you get some counselling, just for you, to work out what you want, you need, what is right for you.

I am not an expert and this may not be the case at all, but better to find out this stuff away from him, I think, IMHO.

That’s a very strange way to look at your situation op. Divorce is absolutely a big deal but you’re not responsible for his happiness, where did you get that notion? What is he doing to build the relationship? It sounds like it’s important that you please him. Again where did this come from? You don’t need to answer here if you don’t want to but please consider these questions because it sounds like it’s all about him, no mention of you in the big picture.

It’s not you. It’s him.

he’s made himself undesirable to you and is doing nothing about that.

I look at my DH and I get butterflies in my tummy. I want to be intimate with him.

He never, ever “asks” or demands sex. It just happens!

He sounds very shallow. Is he older than you by any chance?

It sounds like you should just leave him to be honest
life is so short why be stuck with someone who gives you the ick? What is the point of that?

The smoking is gross if you dont do it yourself.

What is the alternative OP?

The other way round Id think. You are the one who is heartbroken and disapointed in his horrible behaviour.
Tell him no more sex until he has actually given up smoking because you find his stinking smokers breath makes you sick and see how he feels about that.

That’s physiology and probably how you know you aren't opposed to sex, just sex with him. it can cause confusion and make you doubt your feelings but it’s absolutely not a reason to think that his behaviour is acceptable. It’s 100% not ok and your gut is telling you that, listen to it.

It's not weird, no one likes being coerced!

Does he ever try to engage in conversation with you about what he can do that might make your sex life better for you or is it just all about him? From what you've said it sounds like he's just stating the problem and then that's as far as his thought process goes. You deserve better than that.

Strong words.

He may have no idea how much she doesn't want it.

Exactly. Stop having sex you don't want and let the cards fall where they may.

I think I agree with this.

OP, if you dislike having sex with him this much, I really think you should split up.

Is that fair? She does consent outwardly, and he probably has no idea how much she doesn't want it. So I'm not sure I'd call it rape.

When you mentioned enthusiasm, this is where the kink community has something to teach us. Have a friend who had such a partner once, and she reported back that consent for the various, um, activities, was not enough. Each partner had to be enthusiastically consenting. So being like "Given a choice, I'd rather have a cup of tea, but actually I don't really mind, and anyway, making you happy makes me happy" wouldn't cut it. Being a good sport for the sake of the relationship - no. She said if both parties weren't enthusiastically consenting, things didn't happen.

I feel if more men cared about their partner's enthusiastic consent, many marriages would be much happier.

This is beyond grim. Another vote for leave him. And tell him, in the meantime, no more sex. This isn’t something you have to put up with.

Ahh, sorry OP. I was married for a long time and it showed me how very important sex is for many men. The pressure in marriage for many women to satisfy that sex drive is a big part of the reason I would not want to be married again. I kind of wish that women were "warned", for want of a better word, what we're getting into when we marry. Oftentimes, it boils down to us feeling obliged to satisfy the sex drive of this person when we often don't want it ourselves. Sometimes I feel it would be better if women and children just lived with other women and children, and the menfolk visited occasionally! I bet that's why marriage has endured as the organising structure of society - because men think it's the best way they can regularly get their end away.

God, my exH always wanted it right in the middle of the day, after I'd got showered and dressed and was right in the middle of daytime things. It was SO annoying. He'd say, in this breathy, fake, film-style voice, "Come into the bedroom with your husband..." 🤮 There was just nothing sexy about it at all, and who the hell thinks that 1.30pm is a sexy time of day anyway?

Then later on, he withheld sex for half a year at a time, to "punish" me, and that was horrible too as it meant no cuddling or kissing as well.

Bottom line, navigating sex within marriage is a tricky, tricky business. Would you consider splitting up with him? I know that would bring other problems, but just think of the delight of never, ever having to sleep with him again, as long as you live!

You are not his sex toy or some kind of a therapy device.

Well you should tell him you'd want it more if it was good! No sane person would refuse something that gives them pleasure, so I'd imagine this "sex" is all about him, and doesn't deliver not much for you?

I would also explain that, for a woman, he has to measure up for you to want him. Being a grumpy controlling cunt rarely works.

I’m so sorry @op

I had an ex like this. I also thought it was me - my body literally physically seized up to the point sex was very painful - I didn’t understand why. Eventually I found a GP who would help, I went for therapy and realised it was not anything physical but because I was so repulsed by him and how desperate and needy for sex he was but somehow I still loved him and my conditioning to provide sex or “services” as he called it 🤢🤮 was very strong

Anyway, you don’t have to put up with it. Your body is screaming at you to leave this horrible disgusting sex pest and not to let him touch you but you are trying so hard to keep him happy you’ll do it. What kind of selfish awful
man must be be to have sex with you when he can tell you don’t want to. It’s horrible.