AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

@Lovinggran

So you're saying because your son 'used' you to look after his child - for a year - and is now removing him from your life, you are going to upend his life by dragging his name through the mud, and telling everyone what he did, even though the police seemingly gave him just a caution?

WTF?

Are you hoping your grandchild is handed over to you? Won't happen. His partner will keep the child. She is his MOTHER. You are not.

Think very seriously about what you are doing! What you are proposing does not sound very 'loving!'

Do you know what the threshold is for charges? There’s a bit more to the Full Code Test than just how serious an offence is. Rape stats are a perfect example of that, with record low numbers being charged. That doesn’t mean they aren’t rapists.

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

OP, I completely understand why you’d not want to keep his secret anymore. The fact that you ever swept it under the carpet is pretty disgusting. But that was the choice you made. So I think you now need to examine your motives and look at what you’re hoping to achieve. It sounds like your motive is revenge for cutting you out of your grandchild’s life. So what will speaking up achieve? It certainly isn’t going to be you having more access. It’s far more likely that you won’t see that little boy ever again if you alienate his father. And few people are likely to understand how you could have kept that quiet. Are you ready for people to judge you? Because it’s a realistic prospect that you’ll be judged equally as harshly once people realise that you knew what he’d done, but protected him.

Social services aren’t going to return this little boy to you unless his parents seriously fuck up. And something where the police took nfa isn’t going to change that. In your shoes, I’d try and show that I loved my grandson more than I resented his parents and do my best to build some kind of relationship with his parents, even if it stuck in my craw to do so.

Some people are really shit parents tbh

You must realise this situation has already involved a large amount of social services involvement? What would be the point in “reporting” him? SS already know all about him

Absolutely this. Poor poor kid, being born into these 2 families.

Why the hell did you protect him? You are just as bad as guilty as he is and he is a pedophile. I hope the kid is removed from him and you are kept away from the kid too

You would disown your son if he was investigated by the police, and the police ultimately took no action against him? Meaning he has no conviction or caution???

Google it. It'll give you the answer at the very top of the list.

FFS

I'm not sure how you can 'uncarry' the secret? The police have dealt with the matter. Your son wasn't charged, so the matter can't have been a big issue. They clearly had the evidence if they needed it. Your son hasn't been convicted so, unless you know there are other issues, in which case you let the authorities deal with it, it's not your information to share with people.

What's happening with your grandson is painful but it's not related to the secret. As you've cared for your grandson, I'd think you'd be some of the grandparents that might have a case for grandparent rights type visitation, but you'd need to seek legal advice on that.

I wonder if they're angry with you and punishing you. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here but I think the courts messed up - they should never have placed the baby with you under those circumstances. Her parents did the right thing in staying away in those early months and not getting attached to a child that the parents didn't want, and would likely have been adopted. Your son and his partner might have had good reason for not wanting to raise their child, maybe they just didn't want to be parents then. You had your grandson placed with you which potentially forced their hand. Foster care would at least have given the parents real space to make a decision if adoption was the right thing for them and their son. I think this was a heart ruling head situation. Did they have a say in you becoming kinship guardians? It might feel as though your need to be in grandson's life rode roughshod over their choice to have the baby adopted, especially as they kept the pregnancy hidden. As for son's caution, you can't weaponise that. You know no more than you did then. If your being honest, I suspect you knew but chose to turn a blind eye. Telling people now, will not paint either of you in a good light and will screw up your chances of being in GS life in the future.

What should OP have done? Announced it to the newspapers? Why does this mean she isn't suitable to care for her grandson?

How on earth do you know that when OP hasn’t specified what the image was, beyond saying he didn’t realise that the girl was underage. Given that he was only 18 himself at the time that seems reasonable, and it seems that the police agreed. So what tendencies do you think puts his child at risk five years later ? And social services were involved at an earlier stage with OP’s kinship caring status, so will have been aware of the incident.

How old is the mother of the baby?

How do you know The image could've been on a 17 year old girl when he was 18.

You need to report him to social services. He has tendencies that put that child at risk

@Lovinggran your situation sounds awful and unfair and YANBU to be angry at your son and his irresponsible behaviour towards his son.
However I would caution against using this past incident as ammunition as it is likely to backfire. It sounds like they could be the sort of people to make up stories about you and your DH which might paint you in a bad light.

Best to keep your ear to the ground to satisfy yourself that your grandson is safe and being looked after. if not call the police and SS

Depends on the circumstances. If his phone was forensically examined and they found him to have done nothing wrong then what is the safeguarding issue ? OP hasn’t given the nature of the image but I think it’s a fair bet that as an 18 year old he’s viewed an image of a young teen and not realised she’s underage. Yet, typically of MN, posters are losing their minds, assuming he’s looking at images of young children and calling him a paedophile, all the while ignoring the fact that the police took no further action, so he clearly didn’t meet that threshold.

I agree with this.

There’s so much going on here.

The courts ordered that the baby was returned to his parents - had you refused to return the child OP? Did you have concerns about their ability to raise the child and have you discussed these with Social Services?

I’m going to assume that as the court ordered the child to be returned an assessment was completed that deemed they were capable of caring for their baby.

You are hurt and understandably so. But “looking into” a five-year-old offence and threatening to reveal all is just a move based out of spite, and you know it. It’s not driven by concern for the child or else you’d be talking to the police or SS.

Reading your comments here it’s not hard to see why the relationship with your son has broken down. Things seem very hostile between you. Given your DS’s past volatility it might be prudent for your grandchild to have an ongoing relationship with you. However that’s only going to be possible if you are able to forge a positive relationship with your DS and his partner. Plotting to destroy your son’s life might bring you short-term satisfaction but in the end, you’ll be the one out in the cold.

Think wisely here. What do you want to achieve?

A concealed pregnancy? And a previous investigation for images of a child?

How old exactly was the girlfriend when she became pregnant?

It seems that you would continue to keep this secret if he treated you well. It was either morally acceptable to keep this secret or it wasn't. The two things are not connected, and your motive now appears to be vengeful.

?????

This.

How is he a sex offender ? If he wasn’t charged then he didn’t meet the threshold for that.

Why are you calling him a paedophile ? Clearly what was found on his phone was not serious enough for charges.

What an awful post. There’s no evidence at all that DS is a paedophile - the police took no further action. If social services are involved they will know about the images so it was clearly not enough to stop the parents regaining custody of their child.