AIBU to feel betrayed after protecting my son’s secret for years?

The OP says that her son claimed it was “just an app”. I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t a girlfriend who’d had a change of heart in this case.

Do you know what the threshold is for charges? There’s a bit more to the Full Code Test than just how serious an offence is. Rape stats are a perfect example of that, with record low numbers being charged. That doesn’t mean they aren’t rapists.

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

OP, I completely understand why you’d not want to keep his secret anymore. The fact that you ever swept it under the carpet is pretty disgusting. But that was the choice you made. So I think you now need to examine your motives and look at what you’re hoping to achieve. It sounds like your motive is revenge for cutting you out of your grandchild’s life. So what will speaking up achieve? It certainly isn’t going to be you having more access. It’s far more likely that you won’t see that little boy ever again if you alienate his father. And few people are likely to understand how you could have kept that quiet. Are you ready for people to judge you? Because it’s a realistic prospect that you’ll be judged equally as harshly once people realise that you knew what he’d done, but protected him.

Social services aren’t going to return this little boy to you unless his parents seriously fuck up. And something where the police took nfa isn’t going to change that. In your shoes, I’d try and show that I loved my grandson more than I resented his parents and do my best to build some kind of relationship with his parents, even if it stuck in my craw to do so.

I feel like I'm viewing this situation quite differently to most other posters here. You said in your post that your son told the police that 'he didn't know she was underage' which suggests that the image was perhaps a picture he received (and subsequently shared with someone else) from a younger teenage girl. Before I get jumped on, I'm not suggesting at all that this is ok, but it is very different to 'viewing pictures of child abuse' as someone said up thread. It would also be consistent with the lack of action or arrest from the police. It also doesn't then follow that he's a danger to his child.

I also wonder about your decision to care for your grandson after the parents had decided to have him adopted. Putting myself in that position, I can't imagine making that very difficult decision, only to have it overturned by my parents. Could this be where the difficulty in your relationship stems from? I would be interested to hear your son and his girlfriend's take on this. People on here advise others to go NC for (IMO) really trivial reasons and this sounds to me like the same story but from the other side.

And also, I'm sorry to say, you're not covering yourself in glory by considering blowing your son's secret wide open. It just makes you sound vindictive.

A little boy is living with a paedophile who neglected him from the moment he was born. And you're whining because you covered up for this paedophile and he's not being nice to you now.... Priorities?

Does social services know he was arrested for viewing child abuse images? Insane the child has been given back to him but they're bloody useless quite frankly.

Yes, I’m well aware that charges are unrelated. That’s very clearly what I said in my post. If you’d care to look at the post I was replying to, you’ll see why I mentioned charges.

And no evidence? Other than he admitted to his parents that he was in possession of a sexual image of a minor? Yeah, no evidence at all apart from that one little thing…

They absolutely might if she regretted it and reported it, or if her parents found it and reported it. I know this because it happened with a friend's teenage daughter!

Exactly this. OP writes as if everyone already knows what a kinship carer should be. Have never heard of something like that in my life. In what circumstances do grandparents have to take care of an infant for their entire first year despite both partners presumably being alive and present?! Sounds royally messed up.

I repeat, the police don’t come banging on your door at dawn and confiscating your devices because you’ve got a intimate photograph of your girlfriend who is only a year younger that you, and who could be mistaken for older.

But what if it was a 17 year old he'd met, and she'd misreported her age? OP doesnt know the context and the police won't share the information with her. In this case, he would technically have possessed an image of a minor but it wouldn't be in the public interest to bring charges.

Yes, I’m well aware that charges are unrelated. That’s very clearly what I said in my post. If you’d care to look at the post I was replying to, you’ll see why I mentioned charges.

And no evidence? Other than he admitted to his parents that he was in possession of a sexual image of a minor? Yeah, no evidence at all apart from that one little thing…

Charges are unrelated. Being a paedophile is just what you are. It’s a sexual interest in pre pubescent children, you don’t need to be charged with a crime to be one.

and there is no evidence that OPs son is

It wasn’t a case of mistaken identity, or a bit of shoplifting. He admitted to possessing an image of a minor.

You would disown your son if he was investigated by the police, and the police ultimately took no action against him? Meaning he has no conviction or caution???

Do you know what the threshold is for charges? There’s a bit more to the Full Code Test than just how serious an offence is. Rape stats are a perfect example of that, with record low numbers being charged. That doesn’t mean they aren’t rapists.

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

OP, I completely understand why you’d not want to keep his secret anymore. The fact that you ever swept it under the carpet is pretty disgusting. But that was the choice you made. So I think you now need to examine your motives and look at what you’re hoping to achieve. It sounds like your motive is revenge for cutting you out of your grandchild’s life. So what will speaking up achieve? It certainly isn’t going to be you having more access. It’s far more likely that you won’t see that little boy ever again if you alienate his father. And few people are likely to understand how you could have kept that quiet. Are you ready for people to judge you? Because it’s a realistic prospect that you’ll be judged equally as harshly once people realise that you knew what he’d done, but protected him.

Social services aren’t going to return this little boy to you unless his parents seriously fuck up. And something where the police took nfa isn’t going to change that. In your shoes, I’d try and show that I loved my grandson more than I resented his parents and do my best to build some kind of relationship with his parents, even if it stuck in my craw to do so.

Do you know what the threshold is for charges? There’s a bit more to the Full Code Test than just how serious an offence is. Rape stats are a perfect example of that, with record low numbers being charged. That doesn’t mean they aren’t rapists.

The police know exactly who they’re intending to arrest before they come out, and they are not going to come knocking at dawn for an eighteen year old looking at a single photo of a teenager who could be mistaken for being 18+. That is why that poster was calling him a paedophile and I don’t think it’s an unreasonable assumption to make.

OP, I completely understand why you’d not want to keep his secret anymore. The fact that you ever swept it under the carpet is pretty disgusting. But that was the choice you made. So I think you now need to examine your motives and look at what you’re hoping to achieve. It sounds like your motive is revenge for cutting you out of your grandchild’s life. So what will speaking up achieve? It certainly isn’t going to be you having more access. It’s far more likely that you won’t see that little boy ever again if you alienate his father. And few people are likely to understand how you could have kept that quiet. Are you ready for people to judge you? Because it’s a realistic prospect that you’ll be judged equally as harshly once people realise that you knew what he’d done, but protected him.

Social services aren’t going to return this little boy to you unless his parents seriously fuck up. And something where the police took nfa isn’t going to change that. In your shoes, I’d try and show that I loved my grandson more than I resented his parents and do my best to build some kind of relationship with his parents, even if it stuck in my craw to do so.