AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

Food for thought… NZ wedding attendance for your family is £15-20K
Average cost of a UK wedding is £22K.
The average cost of a wedding in New Zealand ranges, but equates to roughly £13,700 to £17,200

Not read the full thread so this might have already been asked but where do the bride and groom live, UK or NZ?

Not the same logistics, but the same attitudes: my lifelong best friend and their parents (who were my 'mum & dad no.2') missed my wedding. Another long-term friend of theirs' DC got married the same day. Mum & dad no. 2 said 'sorry, they will take umbrage and never forgive us if we don't go, but we know you will be understanding' (which I was). This was all in the same country, just different cities. As it happened, we had a gathering a week later for wider family at their end, and they came. Main character syndrome in the other friends.

I would price this up anyway, him alone, only staying for the relevant days, sleeping on peoples floors? And see what you come up with.

Who is going with your mother in law, or is she strong enough to make the journey alone?

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate Yes, relatives sometimes don't consider what it costs to transport, house and feed four people. Plus the cost of pet sitting if you have pets. Hearing the actual number might make an impact though.

I won't bore you with the details, but this is an ongoing issue with one of DH's sisters who refuses to travel during the holiday season (we're in the US). I don't think it occurs to her how much it costs for four of us to travel!

If it’s somewhere you’d like to visit anyway why not go all in have a massive save and enjoy a big family trip with a wedding just being one part of the adventure? We did a 2018 trio for my oblongs big birthday, we kind of used that as the excuse and travelled around Australia, Indonesia and stopped off in Singapore as well it was amazing 2.5 weeks our boys were young teens and it’s actully the last time we’ve travelled as a family as we now all do different things and they are off away.

I married overseas. Siblings came, partners and kids did not.

I wouldn't be going based on their entitled attitude to be honest.

I'd make it clear to them that it'll cost you in the region of £20K and you cannot afford that. No other explanation needed.

It's very reasonable for the bride to wed in her home country, it's very unreasonable for them to guilt-trip guests into paying tens of thousands to attend.

Not to mention, what happens if they split up before the wedding? You'll have paid for a hugely expensive trip that you wouldn't have booked if it wasn't for the wedding, at an expensive time of the year (Christmas).

If I were to go to NZ or any other very expensive holiday, it would purely be on our own terms of my own immediate family.

ETA and it actually angers me that your DH's side of the family are now expected to spend (collectively) tens of thousands to attend, based on the B&G's decision that DH's family are better off. Well, they bloody won't be after paying out for this trip!

Hmmm, two adults with salaries paying for a ticket each and then undoubtedly staying with and eating with her family will be very different to the cost of four pretty much adult (which is what you have) flights, travel, food and accommodation.

I would throw that amount out there to make your BIL think. Nobody should be guilt tripped into spending a small fortune on someone else’s wedding.

Quite right.

Don't go anywhere.🙄

Personally with that much notice I’d try to make it happen. But I suppose only you know what it means financially/logistically. it probably depends on the age of your kids if it’s logistically a complete nightmare or has the potential to be a great family holiday with an amazing wedding too. Kids being under 5 would probably make it awful (imo).

It’s Natural to want people to be as excited as you are about your wedding. So for them it’s all about heart. You’re thinking with your head which is also natural in your position.

I think the suggestion of a party (you can have a ceremony at a party… either with a professional or a friend doing it ) paid for by those who can’t go to NZ would be lovely. realistically even just your family would be saving £Ks so therefore able to put a reasonable amount towards something!

The sun strength is a factor

That’s a bit of a pathetic reason. One night off revision wouldn’t have affected her at all

It’s an amazing place. You’ve been given a reason to go. If you can make it work financially, just go and enjoy it. Have some steak and white wine for me - I’m not even someone who likes those things normally but the quality in NZ was something else.

no you don’t have to go, and if you genuinely can’t I’d be ignoring any attempts to guilt trip - - but if it’s remotely workable I’d just see it as a great opportunity and grab it, tbh.

And most people feel more confident with travel if they can go accompanied by people they know.

We did a beach wedding in NZ with local friends and PIL. Then a year later flew over to UK to have the 'big' wedding (church etc) with all my family. We stayed for a month and honeymooned dotting around Europe.

2 people came from NZ for the UK wedding, because they wanted to see London etc. No one from the UK came to the NZ wedding as it was quite a small, casual affair.

That way we got to see everyone and everyone felt included, but the expense was mostly ours. It's just something you have to budget for when you choose to live far away from one or both sides of your family.

We are working with likelihoods because we don't know. The bride's mum might be 102 which is why they chose for her not to be the one travelling.

I'm a bit surprised how many stick in the muds there are on this thread.

The bride comes form a genuinely beautiful country and her family are based there. To me it's a no-brainer for their wedding. No, not everyone will be able to go, but, in this instance, that's the same if they held it in a community hall in Bournemouth.
If I were you and could possibly afford it, I'd be saving and embracing the opportunity OP.

Do you think the B&G realise you're looking at £15k plus??
I think it is worth quoting that figure in correspondence. They might be in denial about the true cost for a family of four.

That’s a separate point.

If the trip is over the Christmas holidays then even if the OP insisted on a full 3-week break (not necessary for NZ), it’s only 12 days of annual leave with the 3 bank holidays over that period.

I've been there at that time of year. It's not this hot!!!

The South Island of NZ isn't very hot at all, so they could skew their travel there. Down by Queenstown is beautiful. As is Milford Sound.

Are any of your teens going to be in exam years? Mocks are often December and January.

That’s not true at all. You can’t just tell someone to feel confident just because other people are there and assume they’ll be fine. You also can’t assume that the parents are the same ages - they could be 15 years apart.

I have just come back from a wedding in Croatia. The bride’s grandmother missed it. She’s 89 but in incredible health. Lives independent, mobile. For all intents and purposes “could” have attended. But she has never been out of the country, let alone been on a plane before. No amount of knowledge that the rest of her family going would have enabled her to feel confident to attend. You just can’t expect that of older people.