AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate timing of the wedding matters too. If in their summer at Christmas time flights alone will be expensive. A friend (and her family of 4) went to NZ at Christmas last year and the flights alone were £10k. Ouch!

I have been to a wedding in NZ but it happened whilst we were travelling the world and were in that neck of the woods anyway, so no extra costs. It was a fabulous wedding. I wouldn’t never make a special visit over there though that set me back 10k - 20k.

Infact the couples wedding that we attended ended in divorce. I’d have been fuming if I’d spent a fortune - what a waste of all the guests money!

If your kids are teens and you can go for long enough to actually "do" NZ as a holiday that would change my view a bit as I think it's probably a great holiday with teenagers and a big holiday goal for me! But if saving for it at this point will make your life rubbish in other ways, then I guess it would just come down to what suits you as a family at this point.

I do think it's a cheek to say that one side won't be able to afford to travel therefore others must or miss out!

Have they thought about paying for her rellies to fly over??

Life is short and family and health are among the most important things we have.
I think it would be great to go if you can stretch to afford it. Will leave the kids with great memories, cement how important family is, and New Zealand is stunning! It's a once in a lifetime, family event that will add to your core family album of memories.

However if they're being rudely entitled, and it's too burdensome financially, or will leave you struggling, (or its too hot!) then don't be guilted into it by any means.

But overall I think you ought to strive to find a way to attend.

No way would I be doing this. It would use up so much precious annual leave to travel somewhere you’re not desperate to go to, even before you get started on the expense and having to hang around with a load of people you don’t know for a big chunk of it. Do the sums and just say, ‘We’ve run the numbers and flights, accommodation, and meals, etc. is going to come in at over £20k for the four of us. We just can’t justify the cost. We’d love to celebrate with you before you go/when you get back, but we’re just not in a position to be able to go to New Zealand’. You’ll find lots of people dropping out once they look at the cost and the fact they’ll have to use up their holiday leave going to a wedding thousands of miles away.

I was going to mention missing school. I will say that private schools will also not be pleased about large chunks of school being missed.

If the wedding is in 18 months then it will be around the time the schools go back in January. Friends who live in NZ say that their school is fairly laid back about children missing a couple of weeks because the family have gone back to Europe to visit the old country - and were quite surprised to hear that this wasn’t considered okay here.

If it was just the cost I would be well up for the NZ wedding - it sounds a great experience. But I don’t ever let my children miss school.

In terms of making it work - there’s of lots of time to look at airmiles of flight options that allow you to do it the other way - via LA which is frequently cheaper. Or via Thailand or similar and enjoy cheap accommodation and seeing part of the world you wouldn’t be doing anyway.

The other thing depending on where you are based is a home swap. So someone comes to UK for Christmas and you get to use someone’s car / home that cuts the cost considerably.

No need to respond if outing but is location near a city / airport?

That is an absolutely insane amount of money unless you are very wealthy. There's no way we could save that in 18 months and it would wipe out almost all our savings. I think you need to be very upfront with them about the cost and see what their reaction is. Surely they haven't thought it through and don't realise what they're asking of you? If they do realise and still expect it, that's crackers and you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt.

My brother lives in NZ.

the jet lag is fucking brutal.

my mum now 79 no longer travels out there because even with passenger assistance and stopping in Singapore for three days to reduce jet lag it’s still a hell of a journey.

via America is currently cheaper than most other routes because American immigration are currently being difficult to foreigners.

Dubai/ME has obvious issues with Iran war being on and off.

Singapore is best but most expensive.

in all honesty, it’s a lot of money for a wedding unless you want to go to NZ anyway.

as others have said it’s their summer holidays (start about Christmas and go on to mid Feb) so it’s peak flight prices and can be tricky to get seats.

Go to the wedding and make it the holiday of a life time. See the positive- what a fabulous opportunity and your family will love it

Yes of course I know. Plenty of people live there perfectly safely. I am really not sure what you are actually saying. That it is unsafe to visit?

And there's your in. Tell them you'd be happy to chip in for a 2nd ceremony at home, as their wedding gift, and suggest others do too. Say it will be significantly less expensive to help fund a 2nd ceremony than attend the wedding abroad. They can't argue with that.

For a siblings wedding I'd be more than willing to use up all my annual leave and go without another expensive holiday for a couple of years (I'd use the trip as a family holiday too though).

I wouldn't do it if it meant worrying about food or bills though.

I think you know full well I am referring to the depletion of the ozone layer

OP's children are teens so their parents can decide based on other peoples views/experience of NZ

I think OPs problem is that they sound like it's at least possible they might. At minimum, they don't appear to have a good understanding of what it is they're actually asking. It's crossing the line to tell people it's only x amount per month to save.

No one is making anyone do anything. If you don’t want to or can’t go, then say so.

Who is the high level of expectation and emotional guilt-tripping actually coming from?

I really like his way of thinking!

In all honesty expecting family/friends to travel to NZ for a wedding is being unrealistic. I think if a couple plan a wedding abroad (regardless of the country or distance), then you have to expect people to not be able to attend.

It's not just the flights, it's accommodation/spending money/annual leave/wedding outfits etc. You're not paying for 1 person to travel, there will be 4 of you to pay for.

If the bride/groom/other family are putting pressure/emotional blackmailing you into attending, then that's extremely poor behaviour. That in itself would make me not to want to attend!!

The simplest solution would be to have 2 smaller weddings. One in NZ where the bride's family can attend and another in the UK so the groom's family can attend. Of course, it will be more expensive but that's the compromise that they need to make.

You need to do what's best for your family, not what others want you to do.

Really, this OP. It is a fabulous destination.

It's a happy celebration and they are at least seeming to want family, at least.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Don't lose a night's sleep over that.The couple aren't going to hold it against anyone. They'd just love as many as possible to make it. Isn't that the right spirit?

@SharingMyOpinion Yes, but it has to be paid for!

One of the best countries in the world. It will be a life long memorable trip. Make it into a grand adventure.

Celebrate & enjoy.

If they are Y10, Y12 or uni age it is worth checking dates with exams. It varies from college to college but we've taken teens abroad in Y12 and had them spend the entire holiday in their bedroom revising, or writing an NEA, which impacted on everyone. Not necessarily a reason not to do it but definitely would make it harder for me to spend that much money. That said of course teens do still holiday between age 14 & 19. Maybe we just got unlucky and had particularly stressy teens.

Tempting to say to you BIL it's 4x your annual family holiday budget (or whatever) which might help convey that it may just be genuinely out of reach. Double's one thing but there's a limit.

I can see why that might raise some eyebrows!

Who is going with your mother in law, or is she strong enough to make the journey alone?

@NoCommentingFromNowOn Good point, it sounds as if she needs someone to be there for her during the trip given that her health isn't great. Perhaps your DH could be her main support person and explain to his brother that while it's too expensive for all four of you to come, he'll ensure that their Mum is OK throughout the trip, i.e. take that stress off the wedding party.