AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

Sorry Mt Cook / Aoraki . Heat is getting to me.

Better if they marry in one and repeat the ceremony in the other. To expect either family to spend tens of thousands is so selfish.

Honestly, I'd suck it up (presuming I like the sibling).

It sounds like it'll be a great shared memory. Far more meaningful than a handful of other holidays added together.

If you don't like the sibling, or simply cannot afford it, then don't bother. You shouldn't be under any sort of pressure.

But then I love a good excuse for an adventure. Especially as you have said you do want to go to NZ, have over a year to save, AND you haven't ever been before.

No brainer. The only reason why you are hesitating is that you feel obligated because of the unfair pressure.

It would be such an amazing opportunity to stretch to it if you could.

If not, could your husband attend on his own?

I had a friend who married a Kiwi and had their wedding in New Zealand, and I managed to wangle a decent amount of time off work so I was able to spend a week or so before recovering from the jet lag and travelling around, a long weekend for the wedding and then a couple more weeks for holiday. BUT it was somewhere that I'd always wanted to go, and I wasn't having to pay for 2 teens to go too. Personally, I would say you'd like to go, but you can't commit to anything at this point, given it's 18months away and you're going to need some time to work out the practicalities. There's a lot that could change in that time - more conflict in the middle east could make flights significantly more expensive, MIL's health could take a turn for the worse, you or DH's work situation may change etc. They need to understand that it's not the same as just taking an internal flight from one end of the UK to the other, and they can't just assume that everyone will be able to do that, so arranging a beamback or an alternative celebration in the UK at the later date for those who can't make it makes sense.

Suggest they live stream it. I did this for my Mum's funeral last year and it worked perfectly. Mum's immediate family are in the UK, but the rest of her family are in various parts of Canada, and most watched online. The added bonus is that you usually get a recording that you can download.

It’s a cheek to say it’s fine for you to spend £20k attending someone else’s wedding but unaffordable for them to host a UK based celebration of some kind for their own wedding (which I think could be done for an awful lot less than £20k). They could save £x a month….

I wouldn’t have my savings and holidays dictated for the last years of my children’s childhood by anyone else’s wedding, sibling or not.

If it’s the airport I’m thinking of, it would depend on what type of holiday you wanted with the other 2 weeks. I personally think the south of New Zealand is the most picturesque, so if you fly into the north then there will be quite a lot of travel time if you were interested in seeing the sights in the south. I ve done a mixture of motels using car hire, then also travelled with a campervan. Motels were in towns, whereas the campervan we were parked up in front of mountains.

What do you want to experience while you are there? That might help decide if it’s worth it compared to other holidays you could go on if not attending the wedding.

Back in real life, most people make a big effort to attend weddings at the other side of the world, and make a holiday out of it if they can afford it

@ZanyPoet but if they can afford it, then they don't need to make a big effort, do they?

Yes they can get married wherever they want but it was rude to tell people "oh, you only need to save x per month" as by my reckoning even if it's just a couple going for a fortnight you're talking circa £8k. That means saving £450 per month for the next 18 months. How many couples could afford to do that, or £900 per month for a family of four? I know we couldn't. Our annual week in the sun costs us around £2k.

They clearly should have 2 ceremonies, one in nz, one in the uk. Or they pay airfairs for all uk guests they want there. Then only they are forking out the extra ££ not 1 side of the family. I'd politely decline even if it was a siblings wedding, it's just too much to pay for someone else's wedding.

I've no answer but something to consider - if you think they are serious about moving out there in the near future - is whether you would prefer to visit NZ once they have a home where they might be able to host you, more time to explore with you, and the ability to pick the dates that may be less expensive and work better as a family.

Given you say that you wouldn't be able to go back in a hurry that could be the difference between seeing them regularly, witnessing their marriage, and seeing them again back in the UK or missing their wedding but seeing them regularly, until they move, but know that once they move you would be able to save up and make the excuse to visit them at some point.

Probably Mt Taranaki, called NZ MT Fiji as it looks just like it,

My Nephew went out to live in NZ and met a girl there. The wedding was in NZ. We went out for 3 weeks road trip from Queenstown to Auckland ending up with the wedding. We had a fabulous time, definitely a holiday of a lifetime. They were really grateful we came and her family was so welcoming.

If you can't afford it OP, you can't afford it.

That isn't your fault, but it isn't their fault either, nor is it their relatives in NZ's fault if they similarly can't afford the same trip in reverse.

It is all just a complication of family far apart.

If you can't manage the cost, just say so and it's on them if they get cross about that.

But I don't think blaming them is fair either.

The most sensible choice for them was to choose either NZ or UK for a wedding - which they have done. Some people won't be able to afford it. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

No one is saying anyone must attend the wedding,

They're dropping big hints by saying it's only "x month to save per month" though.

I got married abroad last year and the reason was mostly the same although it’s both our home country my family all live abroad so mostly to help hubbys family . I would be disappointed if my siblings didn’t go as I know they can afford holidays abroad yearly , this doesn’t mean I would be upset if they didn’t go or that I don’t appreciate them going . Had a quite a few friends going and again I appreciate them so much and I will always remeber it .
I don’t think there is right or wrong here . If you can’t afford or don’t what to go I think that’s ok

why SHOULD they pay? They have valid reasons for holding it in NZ, again they have to hold it somewhere anyway.

No one is saying anyone must attend the wedding, it's MN and people hate wedding on here. Back in real life, most people make a big effort to attend weddings at the other side of the world, and make a holiday out of it if they can afford it. If they really cannot, they can't, so what.

Only on MN would someone feel they wasted their cash if a couple divorce years later 😂😂.

Op put that the reason for having the wedding there is that her relatives can't afford to travel so why shouldn't they think about paying?

It's not unusual for a bride to be married in her home country.

It's also not unusual to marry where you have chosen to live.

It’s a long gruelling journey, so you need to factor in time to recover from jet lag on outgoing and incoming.
Beautiful country, but wouldn’t want to travel all that way with all the expense for a flying visit.

Yes @youvemadeyourpoint same for the wedding I mentioned up the thread, they also got divorced! Partly due to the realisation that when they wanted children, one of them had to fully commit to living on the other side of the world to their family, permanently and probably without regular visits as no-one had enough money for that.

I would imagine some of these thoughts will be contributing to OP BIL worrying about his family coming to his wedding...

why should they? At some point, they have to make a decision to have a UK/ NZ wedding or where's mid-way? Singapore or LA? Where you might not be legally allowed to get married when you are not a resident (I don't know) , it's not the home country of either of them, and everybody would have to fly.

Someone will have to miss out either way.

Traditionally weddings are held at the bride's place, it's not a rule, but it's not outrageous.

OP if you need an example of someone who decided not to do such a trip... I am UK based and did not attend my sibling's wedding in Australia. They have lived in Aus for over 10 years now and I've never visited actually because it's SO prohibitively expensive for me to take my family of 4 there. My sibling was very understanding about it.