AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

Have you not read the Op?? The wedding couple live in the UK.

And the cost of flights if you book right now is "low"; they jump up ridiculously higher if you wait until September to book. If I were in your situation, I'd not go for the wedding, but save up to go visit them when they're settled there and will appreciate having family from the UK visit. That way you get to budget for it in your own time at your own pace and choose when is best for your family to go. I'd be pushing for either a small celebration in the UK after the wedding (that perhaps the UK family members can pay for) and/or for the actual wedding to be live-streamed.

Decline! CF to demand guests to fly to the other side of the world and not pay for flights or accommodation. Just say you can’t afford it.

I wouldn't go just for the wedding but if you can turn it into a big, long family holiday it would be amazing.

You have 18 months to save up £15,000!!! Is that even including food and activity money? That’s a crazy amount to presume you can afford! Anything could happen with your cars and house in terms of repairs! My house has needed the stop cock, boiler and toilet plumbing repaired this year! I honestly think that’s insane to go! I’d ask husband to explain to his brother that he cannot afford it but would love to watch a live stream followed by a party when they get back. I honestly think that’s more than reasonable.

That's an insane amount of money, we wouldn't be able to afford that on a holiday so I would just say "sorry that's too expensive for us so we aren't going to be able to come".

I can't believe they expect you to spend that!!

In all fairness it’s quite a rubbish idea and just takes away from specialness of the ceremony

I wonder if they know the actual cost to OP though.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolatewe wouldn’t be able to do this and I’d be annoyed at being guilt tripped.

although it would be a great experience - some of the time is forced (the wedding so that’s 3 days gone of your holiday). Then few days for travel and jet lag. So you actual holiday that you save for, use AL for and may not be able to have a holiday again for….may be reduced to 1 week. And beware of other family expecting to meet and do other things.

I think just keep it simple. If you decide it’s too much money and pressure then say so. We can’t afford that.
the live stream is a great idea and a party in the UK. Bride can wear her dress again and get another cake!!

You need to cost it out, then look at what savings you already have, how much more you can save and whether you are likely to need money for other things (car breaks down, repairs to house). Bear in mind that you may not have 18 months to save. It sounds like you would need to book flights some months in advance and for 4 of you that could well be the biggest cost. Double check your kids are invited too. I get the impression BIL is younger than your DH and probably doesn’t realise the logistics of a family travelling. They may have assumed you’d leave them at home.

I think if people have one lot of family literally a day away, they should do 2 ceremonies, obviously smaller than the norm, but if they choose not to, they have to understand a lot of people won't be going. Many older family members might need very expensive insurance, for a start (yes it's possible younger people will too, but more likely to be extortionate for older family);

I think if people have one lot of family literally a day away, they should do 2 ceremonies, obviously smaller than the norm, but if they choose not to, they have to understand a lot of people won't be going. Many older family members might need very expensive insurance, for a start (yes it's possible younger people will too, but more likely to be extortionate for older family);

My BIL married an Australian. They both lived in the UK. This is what they did: wedding in Australia, then, a big reception in the UK (she wore her wedding dress). At the start of this they showed the video of them exchanging vows. The reception was very much like a normal one with sit down dinner speeches etc. It meant they got to celebrate with both Wyses if the family and no one felt left out. They certainly did not expect anyone to go halfway around the world.

I agree with this (although if you don’t want to spend the money / time, then you shouldn't feel obliged!)

I would say that we spent 3 weeks on holiday in NZ (1 week travelling on north island & 2 on south island) & it was amazing - one of our best holidays, so I’d definitely recommend it as a family holiday!

House swap is an amazing idea. There are loads available as many kiwis have family ties to the uk and want to come over

I’m team YOLO. New Zealand is amazing. It’ll probably be your only chance / excuse to go as a family if your kids are already teens. Memories for a lifetime. Plus I’d die before missing a sibling’s wedding, but that’s me.

If you can’t make it I like the idea another suggested of those who can’t afford it chucking in a fraction of what it would have costed to attend (say a few hundred each) to fund a lovely UK party.

If you can’t make it also do go to new zealand in this lifetime. You will NOT regret it. Stunning country, lovely hospitality, amazing food. I’ve been heaps (no family connection just love it) and it would always trump a years’ worth of holidays in other places

I got married abroad and whilst some people came, not everyone did - like the grandparents or my pregnant sil. So we had a big party back here and I always look back fondly at the two celebrations.

If it's too much money wise, don't go. Get them to video it and watch it back later. Celebrate with them when they get back home.

It’s not just the money though. It’s the annual leave as well. If you think you can attend the wedding as part of a bigger, affordable family adventure then go for it. But if it’s a case of carefully budgeting and sacrifices for the next 18 months just to keep them happy, then forget it. Ask yourself- would they do they same for you? Is it because they genuinely hope to enjoy your company on their special day, or because it’s only about them?

Especially if your dc are already teens op. The time comes round all too soon when they will want to go without you!

And in 18 months that time will be closer still ...

40+ years ago my sister married a Kiwi in Auckland (where they both lived). I was the only person who travelled from the UK for the wedding and they solved the "imbalance" (not a problem) by having a very small outdoor ceremony in the park, with just three people as witnesses ... his sister, me, and a close Kiwi friend from their London days who had also moved back home. Then they threw a massive barbie for all their friends and the rest of his family in their garden. Everyone except the bride wore shorts. And they forgot to cut the cake. 😂

Nobody was stupid enough to be offended and they are still married.

NZ is stunningly beautiful, so I’d save up and all go, and have the holiday of a lifetime. You’d probably never go otherwise.

I think this is just a pretty unfortunate side effect of marrying someone from the other side of the world. If they have the wedding there, the uk family aren’t happy, but it would be just the same if they had it here, the kiwis would be put out. It’s a no win really and I feel for the couple. It may feel they’re being pushy or naive but I expect a lot of it comes from not wanting to face up to the disappointment that people who are deeply important to them possibly (probably) won’t be there. It’s hard for everyone.
If you can afford it, I’d really try and make it happen. It’s a big deal BUT you shouldn’t feel guilty if it’s out of reach. No one could possibly blame you, reasonably, for opting out.
DH and I lived in NZ for a time and have lots of good friends there still (and still have pangs of regret for coming back!) and were invited to a friends wedding earlier this year, a friend who came to ours 7 years ago. We felt so honoured to be invited but of course, it was a massive ask, both financially and in terms of time-commitment. We went back and forth on it a lot!! You just have to do what’s right for you!

This wouldn’t be a dilemma for me, of course I’m not going to NZ for a wedding.

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go?

Yes.

YANBU. If people want to get married in a particular place abroad for family reasons etc, fine- but I find the guilting of guests to come too to be very, very selfish and presumptuous. Get your greedy paws off my annual leave. Suggest they live stream, as cited upthread.

We got really pushed to go to a wedding abroad for DHs mate last year (in brides home country). We advised as soon as it was brought up with 10 months to go that we wouldn't be going - genuine personal reasons but we also privately baulked at spending the time & money going to a country neither of us wanted to visit. They really tried to cajole at least DH into it. The groom likes to push to get his way and I think he was stunned when DH wouldn't budge.

We also saw them exactly week later at the UK leg of the wedding- which we'd always been invited to and had immediately said we'd attend. It's nice to be wanted abroad as well as at home but weddings are expensive to attend and it just started to look arrogant.

I don't really think there is much unreasonableness on either side here: they want your family to go as the family of the brother of the groom; you might not be able to go as it's v.expensive.

From the future-SIL perspective.. I'm married to a NZer and we had our wedding in the UK. We met here and so that's what made most logical sense. We had no expectations of extended family/friends attending but, I guess, very much hoped/ assumed his siblings and parents would make the trip over. It was all made easier as it was pre-DC and his siblings weren't NZ-based but still a long-haul flight away. We then saved to pay for an AirBnB to accommodate DHs family for the week of the wedding. I feel like that went some way to ease their financial costs and to show how much we appreciated them making the trip over.

We had planned to have a separate party in NZ but COVID put pot to that.

I know it's been said, but if it all works out too expensive, perhaps your DH could travel on his own and go for a shorter amount of time? We are planning on going this Xmas, and flights are (only!) about £2k via Malaysia. Wouldn't recommend US as customs is terrible and we've missed connecting flights in the past.. & anywhere has a stopover near Iran.