AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

TBF that sounds like a cost-saving measure - and that may be the case with this wedding too, which adds weight to the fact the bride feels her family can't afford to travel.

I have been to some very elegant weddings in New Zealand that definitely were not self set-up so it definitely isn't a given. That said, barn weddings are very lovely. My mother's favourite wedding ever was in a barn. A whole village affair with meadow flowers and a spit roast.

OMG they are SERIOUSLY ENTITLED!!!! So after flying for 24+ hours and spending £££ to get there they also expect you to help with their wedding venue instead of paying someone to do it for them??!!! This alone would have me saying hell no!! They are taking the PISS!!!

Nothing wrong with people in that situation volunteering, of course.

we had no problem with it,

Local friends and family doing it is fine. But if you're expecting people to spend the better part of 20k and forego so many other things they could do with the money and annual leave, they're already more than doing their bit. And being practical, doing a trip like that means B and G should want their guests to prioritise making the most of the trip if they've got the energy, or rest if they haven't.

It might be a NZ thing as the wedding we went to in NZ was very much family setting up the wedding venue before hand , it was a really lovely wedding in a barn

Exactly. The wedding location isn't the problem, it's the behaviour around it.

Clearly yes, between some and all of the guests will have to travel and that's unavoidable. With that in mind, what the couple should be doing is saying how they'd love to see everyone but also fully understand it's a lot to ask and there's no expectation. Even if they can't bring themselves to do the last part, not telling people it's only X amount a month is a pretty basic expectation, because hypothetically spending other people's money for them is bad.

Not ideal for people in their position to request free family labour from people who'll have to give up basically any other holiday or annual leave plans for some time in order to be there either. I say this as someone who's done free stuff for family events and doesn't have a problem with the principle. But it's not something you can expect from people who aren't fairly local.

I would suggest they… invite the groom’s family to NZ and then not guilt trip them if they don’t/can’t go.

Which they haven’t done.

I emmigrated to NZ and I would never expect my family to travel here for a wedding. I would ask... but it is far away, hugely expensive and not everyones cup of tea for a holiday.

Well she lives away from her family every day forever

he gets to see his family all the time

so I see why they would want to go back there for the wedding

but if it were me getting married far away I’d likely just have something small - or 2 weddings instead tbh !

I wouldn’t be expecting heaps of people to fly over

If the stars aligned and it happened to be during say, the six week holidays between my dd finishing primary and starting secondary so we could do a holiday before big school that would be possible, but just as a general holiday no, and even if the former happened it would be a big decision

This is a tricky one.

NZ is a wonderful place to visit with teens - we went ourselves when DS was 13. However we went at Easter time and it was plenty hot enough then so might be boiling in their summer. I don’t know whereabouts the wedding will be held as well, I found North Island much less interesting than South Island and if you were going, you’d want to travel around a bit. I certainly wouldn’t be providing free labour to get their wedding location ready. I have nothing against homespun weddings and indeed it’s much better than spending a fortune on one day, but you can’t expect jet-lagged people who have spent a fortune to get there to also be your free labour.

I would also be rather annoyed at their presumption of telling you how to save up for it and effectively downplaying the huge cost and effort that the trip actually is.

I think taking all things into consideration, I would be inclined not to go. It would be different if they lived there and you never see them. I would get your DH to explain the actual cost to his DB and the implications of that i.e. no other family holidays for 3 years.

Two events is usually the way to go, DH and I did that, roughly 3 months apart.

But it’s not only about the money. The journey is gruelling. The jet lag (esp on return) is a killer. And doing the journey with kids! I’d find it unbearable.

Wedding in a country somewhere halfway. Bride wants all her family there and doesn’t want them paying £££££ for accommodation and flights. Groom’s family should decline and wait for a party later on in the UK.

I would presume the couple themselves know more than anyone else

If you dont want to go dont

And the guilt trrpping line is something people put on themselves just say no

The pp wrote "I've been there at that time of year" which indicates they were visiting, otherwise they would surely have written I live/have lived there.

I never said it was like the Australian outback, or Spain, so your comment on that is superfluous. The hottest (and coldest) parts of the country tend to be inland regions of the South Island. The north of the North Island is certainly warmer overall, but it can get hot in the South Island in summer - which is something many NIslanders seem blissfully unaware of.

but if bride is from NZ and groom uk half the guests would need to in either event? I don’t think branding them as CFs is very fair what do you suggest they do?

People don’t generally have multiple weddings in different locations

You don't know what position people posting are in in terms of knowledge.

The fact remains the entire country, including the parts zoned as temperate, which is most of the country, are not hot like the Australian outback or even Spain. Spots in the South Island have recorded highs - and, apart from the West Coast, tend to have less rain - but generally the warmest part of the country remains the north of the North Island.
Anyway, point being, given the number of people who happily holiday in tropical countries and the Med, the OP is not going to struggle with heat in NZ.

no. People "should" be deciding what they choose to do. Its not an unreasonable request but it may be an impossible one.

It’s not a destination wedding if it is her home country. That changes the dynamic from an unreasonable request to simply one that is inconvenient.

Extended family don’t need to travel that far. Parents, siblings, and if possible grandparents should be looking at ways to make this trip feasible. Leaving behind spouses and children is a good solution. Keep the trip short.

The South Island can indeed be very hot, it's often hotter than the North Island in summer.

Why do people who have only visited a country spout nonsense as if they know everything about it?

but that's kind of not relevant to comapre the cost to the B and G of the wedding with the cost of the OP's family to travel to NZ. I am also assuming that the NZ wedding cost doesn't include return travel for the B and G?

Don't overstretch yourself. You never know what is round the corner in terms of unexpected expenses.

I have read the thread. They currently live in the UK, but are thinking about settling in NZ sometime after the wedding.

Interestingly there is talk of them moving there (again really happy for them if thats the choice they make). It wouldnt be prior to the wedding.