AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

If it were a friend, I’d go if I wanted. For my sibling or my husband’s sibling, I’d do absolutely everything I could to be there. It’s a once in a lifetime thing and it’s not as if they’ve just picked a destination wedding. Half the potential guests and family are in each country, so either way half the guests will need to either travel or not attend, but I imagine most people would make significant effort to attend the wedding of an immediate family member.

Also once you have your quotes for flights accomodation etc send a message to The Flight Centre with your itenary. Any time we have flown long haul, they have been able to undercut other quotes by by around £500-1000 for 2 people

Big fat NO. Irritates me how people think anyone wants to spend their money, annual leave and precious family time on their wedding!
just say no from now, and don’t entertain any talking around.

We wouldn’t go. I remember being in a similar position many years ago. The couple got divorced six months later!

£15 - £20k it’s costing by in total you say in a later reply. OK you have a long time to save for it but that’s a huge amount of money and in this gloomy economy I would be nervous about using that amount for a wedding unless I had a big buffer of other savings, which you don’t seem to.

As you haven’t been there before, I think if I were you I would go for it on balance and book refundable flights and cheap accommodation, as well as saving hard for a £5k buffer.

Go if you can.
Decline the invitation if you can't afford the time and money.
New Zealand is a very beatiful destination.

For the sake of all guests who will not be able to go, suggest live streaming the ceremony.

Also host a celebration at an affordable location like a country hall or pub and request that the bride and groom dress in their wedding garb with flowers etc. Similar food to a wake. Some music, a speech and toast. This they might agree to when they see the numbers who can not attend.

How much did they suggest you all save a month?

Depending on which airport Air NZ has just announced direct flights to Singapore from Christchurch. That could also be a mechanism for seeing a bit more of the country, there is a Singapore Airlines hook in to London, but you could also fly ex Paris, Amsterdam or even Dublin might be cheaper. At that time of year house sitting could be an excellent way to minimise costs; lots of Kiwis travel then too. The other option is to go via Australia, LHR-PER and PER-AKL, for example.

You don't have to do it, but if you decide, ask on here. I travel back and forth between Aus/NZ and Europe a couple of times a year most years (and don't find it as brutal as many on here make out; it's a shit day, but it's ONE DAY. You can survive anything for one day. If you arrive in the morning, you stay up until evening, and that normally takes care of the jet lag).

Our family live in New Zealand and we have had to miss several family weddings when we couldn’t afford to go. It’s just life sometimes. People make too big a deal about weddings and it’s not like the bride and groom will be able spend much quality time with their guests on the day anyway.

One of my husbands brothers who was marrying a German women decided to elope without telling anyone to avoid the dilemma of one side of the family feeling obliged to spend a lot of money to travel. Worked for them but I guess it’s not for everyone.

Just state it will cost X much & you can't afford it. Rinse & repeat and don't absorb the guilt. (Although It is an amazing country if you can swing minimal time for the wedding & take a holiday.)

My friend got married in her home country of Canada (from Aus). We opted to not go because of cost & they were a bit miffed. In the end only the immediate family went so they had a reception when they got home. Offset the cost by saying pay for your own meal instead of gifts (reasonable cost) . It was the right call as everyone could celebrate.

Have you said straight up you’re very considerate of your New Zealand relatives and showing respect for their financial situation not being able to get over here, why don’t you have any of that consideration for any of the uk relatives? Do you have any idea what it will cost us to go to your wedding if we can?

We wouldn't be able to afford it. NZ is really really expensive. Way more than we spend on holidays in a year.
it would be congratulations and a no thank you.

2 ceremonies
Friends of mine did this uk/Hong Kong
A few chose to go to both

We had this with one of my DH siblings. We had 3 young dc. We could only have afforded it by not having a holiday for about four years. The wedding was in the outback in Australia so could not even combine it with sightseeing.
pIL tried to pressure us to go but I was also concerned about 3 dc on the flight. PIL promised to help but I knew they wouldn’t as othe gc they preferred were going.
When we said no it was not affordable or practical they suggested my DH go alone. For three weeks. He said no way he’d rather spend his leave with his own family.
To be honest the fact BIL was a complete twat who never showed any interest in our dc probably helped my DH to stand up to the pIL and say no.
Best decision we made and we did not regret it.

I’ve only read this far - please forgive me if this has already been suggested.
I don’t know how old your children are, but could they possibly remain behind with your parents or someone else close to you?
It would substantially reduce your costs and your anxiety - unless your kids are of the age where they would love to go and would be hurt to be left behind.
Just a thought.

Money aside, why can't working people go for 4-6 weeks? What do you think people in NZ do? They certainly don't go to Europe for a week or two, and people have been heading overseas on holiday for all of my working life. I know of a couple of (wealthy) families who seem to head overseas every year or two for a holiday, kids in tow. However, schools here don't have this ridiculous system of fining people for taking their kids out of school for a week or two.

My DH went to his best man’s wedding in Sydney. He and a couple of other blokes did a ten day tour after the wedding and had a good time. We could not have afforded for three of us to go, and I was fine staying home with DS as I’d just been on fieldwork in Europe for almost a week while he stayed home.

I don’t think he should miss his DB’s wedding.

It seems like it’s potentially manageable, enjoyable and memorable for you and your family and you have some time to plan.

2 weddings is a bit silly IMO and can understand them not wanting to do that (regardless of the financial side of things).

If you genuinely can’t get leave, can’t afford to go, or can’t travel due to health issues (for example) they will be likely very disappointed, but ultimately should understand it’s a significant expectation to travel to the other side of the world for a wedding.

Go if you want to and can make it work. It’s a trip of a lifetime that you probably won’t make otherwise.

@MaddestGranny Can working people go for 4-6 weeks? Also what about school? This is a family of 4. I’m retired and I have time but others don’t have that luxury plus look at the cost for 4! Great if you have a pension lump sum but the op has to save. It’s completely different.

It is a big/expensive ask to travel to the other side of the world just for a wedding.
BUT, this is an opportunity for you & your family to visit NZ, something you otherwise would never have considered, so I'd say: have a think about it.
About 20yrs ago, immediately post-retirement, I was invited to an ex-colleague's wedding in NZ. I had no clue how to get there, what it would cost, etc.
In the end I went with my (now deceased) DH. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. Low-key, inclusive, utterly delightful. Outdoors on a cliff overlooking the ocean and followed by a reception in an erstwhile sheep-shearing hut!. It was a blast.
And/But: as part of the trip we had arranged a campervan hire and had plotted a trip around South Island (where we started) and North Island. It was absolutely wonderful. One of the best things I've done in my life.

The only thing we got wrong was to go for 4-weeks.
We should have gone for 6- or 8-weeks.
So, dear OP, I would encourage you to look at your choice (Go / Not Go) from a different perspective. Let the wedding be the impetus. But don't lose the opportunity of taking the trip of a lifetime and visiting a very beautiful and very interesting country.

We had a different but equally globally dispersed family wedding a few years ago. The civil ceremony was in London, under COVID rules and necessary because the B&G were moving to KSA for work. The wedding ceremony took place two years later in France, and the bride and groom came from KSA, bride's mum from Dubai, bride's dad came from Australia, groom's family came from Mexico, UK and the Netherlands, and the guests came from all over the world. It wasn't a huge wedding though. About 60 people, all of whom paid their way because they wanted to be there. B&G currently live in Australia, because that's where the bigger job is based.

Agreed.

X

We had a family member marry there. Didn't go. Some of the family did, but those who only had to pay for themselves or who had the time to go and spend a few weeks there to also see the country. To take kids out of school and pay for all of you only to then be there for the wedding, not to go and really see the country...up to you, but we declined. As you say, the costs and annual leave, etc. are precious and need to be weighed up against what else you could do with both.

Absolutely this. No-one can guilt-trip anyone into going to a NZ wedding.
How old are your children and would it be all four of you or none?? If not, just 2 of you go (or potentially just your DH?).
If you can possibly afford it, plan to have a holiday around the wedding. NZ is a wonderful country and you would have a fantastic unforgettable holiday

I wouldn’t go to New Zealand. Not practical with a school aged child. Unless it was August. But i guess not. As that’s their winter