AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

Good that you and DH agree on not going. It's difficult telling close family but surely they will understand. It's not just a three hour car journey is it? Crazy stuff to expect a family to cough up for a wedding half way around the world. Well with no offence to NZers it would not be top of my list for long haul travel. Too isolated, that's why most of the younger ones are here!

They could have a small ceremony here and maybe as a wedding present the UK side of the family could club together for a buffet meal or something, since they think it's too expensive to do both.

My sister got married in Las Vegas. At the time our mother was very ill and none of us could go. She didn't mind, and we had the most hilarious time in my living room, all twenty of us watching her in the Little Wedding chapel on a live stream. it was fabulous. They had a gathering when they got home. I know it's not the same thing as the New Zealand gig, but still - there are ways around it if the B+G play ball.

I totally agree if there is an expectation that you attend.

I understand them getting married in NZ - of the “international” couples that I know, getting married in the country where they don’t live seems more common, because they don’t see that family anywhere near as much so I think it’s very reasonable to have the wedding there.

But they must understand that it’s a huge ask in terms of finances and time! They’re being dicks if they’re trying to guilt people into attending.

Cross post @Goatsarebest !

There was never going to be an easy solution to this. Presumably the couple have been honest about the respective wealth of their families and they have concluded that, overall, the UK contingent have more money. I think that the NZ side must be quite significantly less well off because, if you think about it, there is such a variety of other things to do in Europe that it would be much easier to sell the idea of “making a holiday of it” to the Kiwis than to the Brits. (I have been to NZ, it’s fine but pretty dull if you are not into outdoorsy things).

It also sounds like the couple intend to live in the UK so perhaps they feel it is only fair for the NZ side to get the wedding when the other side get to see the couple regularly in the future.

I’m sure this all feels quite tough for the UK half of the couple. Suspect he or she is pushing the “go on, you can afford it” line out of a fear of having nobody or very few people there and missing family terribly on the day. It’s probably just come across a bit too forceful. I’m sure they know that most will have to decline. But don’t ask, don’t get, right?

It’s a gorgeous country and would be a trip of a lifetime but you can’t magic up £20k! Maybe your husband go by himself? He can stay a week/10 days rather than a month or whatever if you went as a family. It would be far cheaper and would no doubt mean everything to his sibling.

I've noticed that people we know that gave emigrated are often more lonely or disconnected with their new Country and culture than they actually let on. They want people who understand their perspective on events like weddings to be with them as these are often the times when culture differences are the most obvious. Weddings are a life milestone and I would imagine it will be hard doing it in a different Country so far away from where you were brought up without family and friends. So I can sort of see why they might be a bit pushy to get you there. But I think it not reasonable to go beyond saying how much they want you there. After that they should just accept your decision.

So we live in the UK and went to a wedding in Australia once in a similar situation DH was best man and bride and family were from Australia. However it was pre kids and therefore less expensive and we combined it with a holiday. We had an amazing time and whilst everyone from the UK side didn't go lots did. They had a party when they got back too. If it happened again now I don't think we would go cause of the kids or maybe just DH would but I understand why that's not always an option.

The only unreasonable aspect is them expecting you to attend.

Reasonable for them to have a wedding there
Reasonable for you to attend/not attend.

The only couple I've known like this forced people to attend but two years down the line wouldn't attend my wedding in the next county because they had a baby and it was too difficult/expensive to travel.

If you can afford it and can turn it into a family holiday at the same time then I don’t see a huge issue. It’s a one off, it’s his brother and while not ideal, that’s just the way it is for international couples, someone’s family will have to travel. 18 months is a long time to save and traditionally you do the wedding in the bride’s home town. If they are based in the UK normally even more reason to do the wedding in NZ. I would find a way to make this work without complaining if it was me but up to you and your DH obviously.

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate I’m very surprised they have this attitude. Certainly not what I’ve seen and most people are pragmatic by doing 2 events. My DD went to a wedding in South Africa recently and combined that with a holiday for her and DP but that was doable as the wedding couple paid for attendees to stay for 5 days in 2 locations and then DD and DP did 8 days in 2 more locations on top. That worked well but it’s not NZ and didn’t require as much money, time or effort.

Their wedding is a huge deal to them and so assume it must be a huge deal to everyone else too. Give them a little time and they will realise that not everyone can be expected to magic up cash, use all their holiday time to indulge them. However, if you can convert it into your annual holiday (during school break, convenient otherwise) it might be a really lovely thing to do. NZ is a stunningly beautiful country, kids will love the coastline, sea life and spectacular walks.

My cousins got married in NZ about 18 years ago. Two weddings (two cousins) a week apart in different towns. Cousins from UK, both brides from NZ. There was no expectation but a lot of family made it out there (a lot didn't, of course). It remains one of my favourite holidays.

We don't have much money so we could only manage just over a week, and we couldn't take the teens with us, but we were so glad we went.

I would honestly keep encouraging your DH to go on his own as it'll be so much cheaper than all four of you. OK, he'll have limited AL left, but it's only for that year.

If other family members are going, perhaps he could also do some sight-seeing with them? Perhaps we're unusual, but my DH and I often do separate trips to see people as our families are globally scattered. It's the only way to make it work financially with a family of four.

It is a bloody long way to fly for a wedding and with two kids. I flew economy to Australia years ago and it was hard going. And NZ is further. I wouldn't consider going again unless it was business class. And you need at least 3 weeks to get over the jet lag and enjoy yourselves.

They can have the wedding wherever they like. But you shouldn't be under any pressure whatsoever to go.

I've had some friends and family do similar but to Aus and South Africa. All of them have a party back in the UK. 1 had a re-doing of the vows in a church and wore her dress again. I'd be asking if they are planning similar because d imagine even with saving, many people aren't keen on an imposed trip like this.

You and your husband are on the same page then. That makes this a 1000 times easier to deal with as you agree as a family what is best for you. Don't be guilt tripped or forced into going when you know it will significantly effect family finances and family opportunities to do things together. You said that it was ironic they think two celebrations would be too expensive (some might use stronger words than ironic) but it doesn't have to be expensive to have a celebration in UK and gifts will cover it.
Everyone can talk to each other on the day on a live stream. The non traveling can gather somewhere to watch and chat. It's not the perfect solution, but it is a solution that works. The bride and groom are coming across as a bit entitled from your posts.

That would make me absolutely resolute that we were not going. That's not just cheeky but frankly rude.

I think it’s fine to organise a wedding in a far flung location, especially when one person is from said country. It’s also perfectly reasonable to decline the invite. Go if you want to and you can make a family holiday out of it, don’t go if you don’t fancy it.

It's fine not to go, but their wedding, their choice and normally the bride wants to be with her family. They can live stream it! It's just one of those things really, nobody at fault.