AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

I don’t agree with people saying two ceremonies is the answer - only one of those ceremonies will be the real one. The other one will just be play acting, what’s the point?

DS and DDIL got married in South Frica where DDIL comes from. We couldnt go so they decided on two ceromonies.
Her Parents helped pay for the ceremony in SA and we paid for the one here.
It was perfect as all his family and friends including is 80 year old Grandfather could make it. Much the better way to do it.

The husband to be may rethink the plans if nobody goes from his side.

I had a very good friend who got married on the other side of the world in her DH home country (where they were living at the time). As others have said they live streamed the wedding, her parents and brother went but noone else and they had a party in the UK 6 months later we all came to. I personally wouldn't go, and I'm sure most people will make the same decision. The guilty tripping is silly and someone from their close family should probably tell them to stop it..

Who is saying that the expectations towards the groom’s family is coming from her and not him?

I suspect the pressure you’re feeling is a mix of
1- your DH sibling being worried that few close family members will be there
2- tension from the bride and groom having to take a decision in where the wedding will be. I wouldn’t be surprised the groom feels he has made a huge concession there and is hoping as many close relatives/friends as possible will be there. It might be that he/they have somehow convinced themselves people would make the effort as a way to make a NZ wedding more palatable

DH can tell his sibling you both won’t be attending due to cost. End of!

Personally I think they’ve given a lot of notice, it will be a once in a live time holiday, your DH gets to be there for his brother and I presume you children would have some part in the wedding party which will be exciting for them. So I would go

The bride isn’t unreasonable to want the wedding home in NZ but I agree that she’s being unreasonable with the expectations. I would personally send my h so that you can say yes now rather than have to scrimp.

It’s a shame that they aren’t doing 2 ceremonies so family can attend one ceremony.

Cheeky fuckery the wedding edition.

They can get married wherever they want but it’s madness expecting everyone to be able to attend. Not just for the cost but the time off work, health, other commitments etc etc.

I’m also reminded of the classiest wedding invitation I have ever heard of where my SIL was invited by an American friend to her wedding in New York. The marrying couple paid for the flights and 4 nights in a hotel for both SIL and db. That’s how you do it

Getting married when you are from two different countries, let alone when they are that far apart, is a nightmare.
It’s extremely hard to have the people from both sides to be present. I had very few family members on my side at my wedding. It was in the U.K. because my PIL couldn’t travel (farmers) but yes it also I had very few people, let alone friends, who came. It was very one sided.

You can grumble it’s too expensive.
Id also say tyat any comment along the lines of ‘are you sure you won’t mange to come?’ Is about the groom disappointment. Because being the one who has few family/friends isn’t fun.

If they had done the wedding in the U.K. instead, which you seem to think was the logical thing to do, the issue would have been exactly the same but with the bride. Not much fun either.

The bottom line is that no one is forcing you to go. You can say No wo getting upset that you can’t say Yes and hold the groom/bride responsible.
No one is at fault here. It’s just hard circumstances

Glad you approve! It's just a suggestion and definitely worth exploring. You and DH and whoever else could open up a conversation and suggest a ceremony here, and that the UK side would be willing to host/fund the meal (a simple affair just to get people together and wish them well), as a joint wedding present from all those unable to go.

See what DH thinks.

I am generally opposed to destination weddings in general as I think they are an over indulgent imposition that sends a clear message that your poor friends don’t matter.

This is the rare occasion where it would always be a destination wedding for half the guests so having it in NZ is not inherently unreasonable and I wouldn’t resent it like I have resented other abroad weddings.

However while they are not being unreasonable to have it there, you are also not being unreasonable to say you can’t afford the money and annual leave to go.

I would probably want to go though and make a holiday out of it if I could afford to but it’s perfectly fine to say it doesn’t work for you and you’ll celebrate with them when they get home.

If you can afford it, go and make it the trip of a lifetime.

I would only go if I could turn it into a holiday over several weeks in order to tour the country. We both worked at a university and could apply for extra unpaid time off for ‘life events’ including holidays such as this. Too far to go/pay for ‘just’ a wedding. We went for 8 weeks and it cost about £20k including 3day layovers outbound/inbound. That’s for 2 of us.

This 100pc
Totally unreasonable expectations of soon to be married couple!

If you can combine it with a holiday that you would actually enjoy then go. If not, tell them it is too much of a stretch for a family of 4, but you'd love to mark their wedding with them when they get back. I recommend a campervan holiday in NZ. We took the children to visit family and it worked so well. I will never forget waking up with a perfect view of a pristine beach.

I have family in NZ and it is a long way - we only really see each other in the flesh every 5 years or so, but we did all go to each other’s weddings. If you want to visit the country then it could be a good opportunity to do so. The flights are manageable with stopovers - we last went when dc were all under 10. I do understand what the bride to be means re affordability - it is cheaper for us to go there than for them to come here, due to the exchange rate (or used to be anyway - accept this could have changed) - obviously flights are expensive either way. A good way of seeing the country for lower cost is to hire a camper van for all or part of the trip - camp sites are very good! All of that said, it should be up to you with no pressure from them - it’s a lot to ask.

1. Live stream for the NZ event....

2.in lieu of the bride and groom bothering... which they should as 2 parties is the norm on these circs.... your DH / dh family should throw them a UK party (presumably its around Xmas so hire a pub private room or do xmas party food at someone's house)

Zero chance of me attending unless I cpuls plan it arpund a 3 -4 weeks holiday.to NZ /Aus and it was on my bucket list....

I'd announce my non-attendance early it might embolden other people to save thousand of pounds.

Definitely this

I think it's unfair for them to be assuming everyone can attend. My SIL got married in Australia and had a big family party when she got back so they should at least do something for the UK side.

I would say you are not sure yet to manage expectations but if you can feasibly do it then go for it.