AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

When you have a destination wedding. You have to understand not everyone can afford to go

How old are your dc OP? Have you been to NZ before?

They've even put out ideas on saving plans "it would just be x amount a month". That didn't land too well with some of the older guests!

I don't suppose it did; it's only natural that they're excited about the wedding and would love people to come, but that's just insolent

it's also natural to have the wedding there since it was the bride's home, but it's a shame they think a second event in the UK would be too expensive. Apart from the irony it wouldn't have to be, especially with a willing family to help

If you're not going I wouldn't say "maybe" and risk getting their hopes up though - better that they come to terms with it now rather than causing angst nearer the day

Think this will highlight their first encounter with marrying a person from the other side of the world. Tough decisions will have to be made through their married life for one person, when a parent is ill or dying they’ll have to choose if they can afford to come home, work leave, leave their children etc. Missing out on family celebrations, funerals etc.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t marry but this is the first choice they’ll have to make. They will realise, when they get wedding invites declined, that they can’t expect people to make a trip of a lifetime to attend their wedding.

Your husband should have a gentle word with his brother to explain that he has to expect people not to go and to be gracious about it.

Saying that, NZ is amazing and a family friendly place to go. It would be amazing wonderful experience but I do think the bride and groom need to be realistic

How much do you estimate the cost to be and how long would you have to stay?

Depending on the time of year, you will be looking at c.£10k for four of you. NZ is incredibly expensive. I’m a kiwi living in the UK and we went home for a wedding and it cost £9k for 4 of us for just over a fortnight’s stay, and that was staying with family apart from the 2 days of the wedding. If you want to make a holiday out of it, budget even more.
When my sibling married, I just popped out there for 10 days as we couldn’t afford for all of us to go at that stage.

For a sibling I was close to, if I could I would do it. It's one year, it will be your main holiday. I bet it will be an amazing time.

I’d go. But mainly because love to visit NZ.

But there are being CF and completely unreasonable expecting and pressuring people to attend.

‘Sorry SIL, we don’t have the money for the trip but hope you have a lovely wedding’
In addition to the cost, a trip to NZ is pretty brutal especially for older travellers. It’s not one I’d be prepared to do in my 60s and I’m physically fit. I’d need at least a seat in Premium Evonomy!

They are already not there for the wedding if the one they attend is not the legal ceremony. You can only do that bit once.

If you can afford it I’d go. It would be the trip of a lifetime. However if you can’t afford it….thats it

AIBU to think it is a huge presumption that the UK contingent can all afford to go

Well it's not a presumption.... it's simply an invitation. I'm sure they will understand if it's too much for some people, but they are giving you the option. Imagine how you'd feel if they hadn't bothered to invite you at all? Now that would have been a presumption. That you couldn't afford it or wouldn't make the effort, or didn't mind if you missed it.

They already know the Kiwi side would struggle to afford coming to the UK. Perhaps if your future SIL is going to be living in the UK with your brother they figured the British side of the family will get to see them much more regularly, so they should do this for the NZ side. I get that. It's not like it's one of those self indulgent destination weddings, they genuinely are split between two countries and they have to pick one.

If you can't afford it or simply don't want to prioritise the money or the time then just decline gracefully. Perhaps they'll host a party in the UK when they get home for those who couldn't make it. And these days no-one needs to miss a wedding because it can be streamed live to anywhere.

They can host where they like, they can't insist people spend thousands attending it. And they shouldn't assume that even if you can afford it that this is what you would prefer to spend your money on. If it is your husband's sibling, why doesn't he go on his own? I know this might mean you'd not have annual leave for a family holiday but it would be just this one year and might be a good compromise?

But then people weren’t there for the ‘wedding’ which goes back to the initial problem

I would not go on principle-if they are expecting people to afford it, then I would want to make it clear that wasn’t ok.

Hire a village hall, disco, buffet ?
How much would that cost the happy couple ?

So the couple actually live here?
I’d be miffed at that for sure

A friend of ours got married in NZ many years ago. We went and managed to have some holiday but the happy couple had organised a week of activities / dinners etc. so in the end we spent 1 week of our holiday effectively on the wedding. It was all with very good friends so ok as we didn’t have children with us but beware you don’t get caught up in all the events around the wedding and end up with your actual holiday time being severely curtailed. I think the idea of live streaming is a great solution , it means that if family members want to go they can but equally if they Don’t they still get to join in the happy event. I’m with you a wedding invitation is that not a summons and perhaps once the excitement of the happy couple calms down they may be open to a conversation with your DH about the practicalities of a trip to NZ and the reality being they are likely to be a number of family who can’t / won’t travel.

You don't need a second ceremony you can just have a party! And the advantage of that is that if it's not a "wedding" it's a lot cheaper as you just pay for whatever someone would pay for a milestone birthday etc.

Tbh I wouldn't use the entire family travel budget/holiday allowance for this and as others have said, it sounds like at least none of it will cause conflict with your husband as you have the same feelings about it.

I personally didn’t feel you could have a ceremony in the two countries. Esp if you start having a church wedding (which we did. It was important to dh)

For me that would have been a ceremony in one country and a party in the other. You only get married and sign paperwork once!
So no the idea of two ceremonies didn’t appeal at all.

How old are your children? If old enough to enjoy it, I would consider saving up and going.

We had a fantastic trip to Australia with three kids to visit relatives who had emigrated - they all agree it was their best holiday ever. We went economy - no way could have afforded business - but the space was a lot more generous than your typical European flight - and the plane journey was long but fine .. each child with their own TV to watch or play games on so no squabbling! It would have been really hard with a toddler admittedly - our youngest child was 8 at the time. We were used to driving to the south of France in one go and it was a lot easier.

We've subsequently been to NZ and found it a brilliant holiday destination. We walked on a glacier, we cycled, we visited the original bungee-jumping bridge and watched people hurl themselves off, we swam and canoed, we stumbled across baby sea- lions sliding down rocks, we visited a Maori village and walked through geysers spouting steam. I would love to go back.

Nope. They are entitled muppets if they think everyone should go.

"I'd announce my non-attendance early it might embolden other people to save thousand of pounds."

I agree with this. As others have said lovely to be invited but they can't set expectations. And yes a kindness to others to comment early.