AIBU to think a New Zealand wedding is too much to expect?

We got married in Southern hemisphere in the early 2000s. We did what we wanted - complicated families meant we didn't want all the hassle of a UK wedding. We honestly weren't bothered about anyone coming (though it was the same for both of us so a bit different I suppose) and we had organised a big party in the UK for when we for back. In the end my mum and sister came and DHs mum. It was lovely to have them there, but we didn't in any way expect them to fly half way across the world to be there, though we were very grateful that they did.

We ended up doing a round the world trip and got married towards the start, so the rest or it was really a honeymoon I guess. We flew onto NZ whilst our relatives flew home. It was cheaper to get a round the world rocket than a straight out and baxk which is bonkers really as NZ is roughly half way. We went out via LA, as it was cheaper going that way round (it feels weird somehow!?) and its supposed to reduce jet lag, which it did. So stopover in LA, 2 and a half weeks in NZ, week in Aus and a few nights in Singapore to break the journey up.

NZ was absolutely amazing. Scenery is stunning and loads of activities to do. People are lovely. We did manly B&B and hostels to keep accommodation costs down (in NZ anyway) and hired a car and went all over. It was a brilliant holiday and its the one of the few places I've been to that I'd love to go back to (Canadian Rockies being the other).

We used Trailfinders for flights and they were amazing, made loads of little suggestions that really helped. I dont know if they're still in business but definitely worth looking at. We found in NZ, we often got breakfast where we were staying and we just bought cheap stuff from a supermarket for lunch so we didnt actully spend that much food wise.

Loads to see and do so definitely worth thinking of holidaying there, and working around the wedding. I would try and maximise time therr if you can, we got back to UK early sunday morning and went to work Monday! Also worth noting regional flights in the UK didn't cost us any extra on top of our tickets so we could get a close to home airport and change at Heathrow.

Equally if you decide not to go, dont feel guilty about it, its a long way and expensive.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for the bride to want to get married in NZ, but it is also perfectly reasonable to decline the invite. When you book a wedding so far away from guests you have to have the attitude of gratitude for anyone who attends, but understanding for anyone who does not.

I think in your scenario I would go if it’s a place you want to visit/haven’t been before and can make it a proper holiday with lots of time just you as a family, without spending it all with wider family. And obviously only if you can make it work financially.

Are you also going to be expected to travel with and accompany your MIL? It’s not mentioned but I wonder if the expectation will be there.

If you get married abroad or to be frank in the same country but miles away from where anyone lives, you have to expect people won’t attend. It comes at an enormous cost to people in terms of travel and accommodation, not everyone can afford it.

I would definitely go.
my son lives in NZ with his NZ girlfriend and we have found airbnbs work for us and we borrow their car ( insurance is different there, they insure the car not the person driving it) look for flights on skyscanner or ask travel agents to book to get the best deals flight connections.
They live in Christchurch so lots to do when you are there too, make it an adventure you may not get the chance again

While the line stream option is a good compromise before committing to watching it with everyone in law who isn't travelling remember there is a 13 hour time difference between the UK and NZ.

Don't commit to watching with everyone else, you can watch it on your own at your convenience.

Also I can see why she would prefer to have the wedding in NZ as it's closer to her family and also she feels her family wouldn't be able to afford the trip. I can also see from your perspective why you may feel slighted by the assumption the UK family can afford it but I'm sure she knows not everyone will travel given the costs and distance.

She would be seriously unreasonable if she gets upset that many people can't travel from the UK to NZ for her wedding, there's no indication of that for now so make your decision based on what works for you and your family, let them know asap and move on.

It's just how it is. We got married in the UK and some rels and friends from the USA, Scotland and NZ could afford to come and some couldn't but we did a grand tour of the highlands and NZ to see those who couldn't, putting that expense on us and of course didn't think any the less of those who didn't make it - it's a lot of $$ for a few hours fun. We got a lot of nice diners out of it ; )

Friends of ours booked non-refundable flights well in advance to go to a family member’s wedding in NZ. It was a lot of money for them. Unfortunately in the meantime the wedding got called off 😢 They did go over anyway and had a nice holiday, but it wouldn’t have been their choice.

Having said that, NZ is fab and you could have a great family holiday out there.

But you’re right, it’s an invitation not a summons.

I don’t think OP and family should go but I can’t imagine many teens being bored in NZ @SummerPeonies2026. It was one of our most successful holidays with teen DS he did tubing with glow worms, a jet boat outing, LOTR visit and many other exciting activities plus a day trip to Bondi Beach on the way home . Granted the jet lag was a bit of a killer.

I do think though that spending all
that money and time to get there and then being expected to erect a marquee in someone’s backyard might be a bit annoying.

I travelled a lot before having children. I genuinely never really considered how expensive it is to pay for their flights + mine.

Point the actual cost out. It genuinely didn't really occur to me as daft as that sounds

BUT.... if you can swing it, it would be FAB. I loved NZ. Just a beautiful breath-taking country.

We stayed in a lot of hostel, but in private rooms, a lot are also 4 bed dorms. Check out reviews to find family friendly ones.

Also 'cooking' a lot of your own food will help - by that I mean buying the stuff for packed lunches and a box of cereal.

My cousin went to a wedding in NZ she said they had so much fun. About 50 of them flew over from Ireland.

I would not be spending £15-20k on someone else’s wedding. No chance. Your teens are likely to be bored in NZ. I wouldn’t even consider going, and would make it clear at the outset.

I would however offer to help organise a wedding party here in the UK, so they can celebrate with family, send a lovely gift and wish them well. If they are moving there you won’t be seeing much of them anyway, it will become a distant relationship.

I married a South African so had the same issues. Wherever we chose, a different side of the family had to travel. So we decided to chose where we wanted with the understanding some might not be able to come. I think it very unfair for the bride and groom to be guilt tripping you if you genuinely can not afford it.

I've also been on the other side with DH's siblings. We have had to travel to Australia for 2 wedding in the past 5 years. Its expensive but as it was his siblings we have made it work. We have had to not have any other abroad family holidays in that time and use the majority of leave for those years in that period. Its hard but ultimately you have to decide is it worth it for you and your family.

A beach in Bali is a good halfway house- closer to the New Zealanders, but also a lovely holiday destination for any UKers that can afford to attend. Having it in the UK or NZ is unfair- they need to give equal, or nearly equal opportunities to attend.

I think I’d decide with your husband and be clear from outset if you decide no that you aren’t going then it’s not you backing out or letting them down. Manage expectations from outset.
You love them and wish them well but it’s not realistic budget wise to pay for 4 adults to go - flights, food, transportation, accommodation etc, outfits, things to do.
Not sure age of your teens but my head immediately jumped to supporting teens through uni. If they are min loan you are looking at 12,000 a year expected contribution. I wouldn’t be doing anything to leave finances tight with that on horizon.

New Zealand is an amazing country. It offers pretty much whatever you want to do – whale watching (eg, Bay of Islands), culture (eg, Rotarua), wine tasting (eg, Hawke's Bay), death defiance (eg, Queenstown), cool cities (eg, Auckland), amazing views (eg, everywhere). I've been numerous times, and would go back for more. It's a Bucket List Country.

If you're keen, look at different flight options. For those of us who commute regularly between the Antipodes and UK, 20+ hours is not a big deal, but it's a long flight for the uninitiated, especially if you're in economy ...

Breaking up the flight can be a way to go - it may not be that expensive to fly to a destination in SE Asia and stay there for a night to break the flight and have a sleep. I have done this hubbing through Singapore.

For jetlag, my experience is that the optimal time to land at your destination after a long-haul flight is from about 4pm-9pm, as you have dinner and then go to bed. A lot of the UK-Aust flights arrive at 6am (in both directions!), but there are outliers (eg, Qantas LHR-PER is absolutely perfect, arriving in Perth at around 4pm local time, but it may be too frightening for you). (Edited to add: you'd pick up a Qantas or Air NZ flight over to NZ from Perth.)

Other tips for jetlag are to take melatonin for the first few days, and to have a sleeping procedure – hot shower (to drop the temperature when you get out - mimics sleep pattern), eye mask, etc. That said, jetlag can be a bit random.

I hope you enjoy your future trip to NZ, OP!

My reaction would be if I really wanted to go to NZ and would have time to see some of the country and could afford it then I’d go to the wedding. If not then I wouldn’t go. So what if they keep asking and pressuring you, just distance yourself and keep saying no.

i think they are very unreasonable- affordability is an issue, another issue is if people don’t have enough leave (as many parents have to take leave to look after kids in school holidays so you can’t save it up for the trip). I have to say it would firm my resolve not to go.

My husband and I are immigrants and have missed pretty much every event back ‘home’. I don’t think anyone has been angry or surprised exactly, but it does mean a huge distance has developed - more so than just the physical distance. It’s our fault as we chose to leave and chose not to prioritise the weddings, funerals, etc each time but it does affect relationships. So while I don’t think they should be guilt tripping you or pushing you or making you feel badly at all, just wanted to say that while it’s totally fine to skip anything for any reason, people remember who shows up for them.

I would start thinking creatively about it - home swaps, airbnb or similar… keeping an eye on flights to see if breaking it up in different ways helps at all. See what you can do and then decide properly. Be really open and honest with your family and don’t make decisions out of guilt.

I personally wouldn’t go and offer to host a party here for them when they get back - or an engagement party maybe if that’s more their thing. Even if you paid for the whole party it would be cheaper!

I don't mean this to sound rude, but I have lived in 4 other countries and have travelled a lot around the world, and NZ is not somewhere I would go back to again.

When we went there I was in my early 30's and fighting fit with no DC, and living in SE Asia and it was still a brutal 13 hour flight from where I lived. Getting there from the UK would be a living nightmare with DC.

It is a tough one as it is a sibling and they are blinkered by their own wants over their wedding. We have been invited to a few overseas weddings. One was a sibling that was a total costly ball ache, and the other was a friend who chose an amazing place and we had the best time ever.

As a compromise I think you should say your DH should go, if you would be OK with that, but you cannot afford to all go. It is too much money and time out as a family to spend on a wedding.

They’re being unreasonable expecting people to go and guilt tripping them. It’s not just the money, you’d have to use up a chunk of holiday allowance on somewhere you might not be interested in visiting, to make it worth the trip.

People can plan their weddings where they like, but they have to be prepared for people not to want to travel (for any reason). Even my own dd who is getting married in this country but 200 miles away from home said she is fine with people not accepting the invitation due to the travel/expense of staying away.

If you are worried that you won't enjoy New Zealand, my relatives with teenagers visited NZ for two weeks and loved it so much that they visited again two years later for three weeks.

It was particularly well set up for bushwalking, camping huts and with Youth Hostels. They liked Lord of the Rings etc. horse riding, white water rapids and swimming.
Investigate cost of staying in Youth Hostels.
Only attend wedding if you can have dream holiday in N Z or S E Asia, Samoa, Fiji etc.

I’ve been invited to three destination weddings. Was pissed off about all of them, the cost, the lack of choice of holiday etc

I’ve ended up so glad I got to go to all of them, new experiences, great memories etc. It’s normal to get married where the bride lives or where the couple intends to live. As you say, it isn’t a summons.

If you were my DC, £15-20k would be more than the cost of their own entire wedding earlier this year!

I think if you can afford it then turn it into a holiday of a lifetime. NZ truly is a stunningly beautiful country. A friend emigrated there and regularly shares her amazing photos on facebook.

If DH paid for just his flight, could he go to accompany your MIL @Hadenoughbringmechocolate and stay in her accommodation?

I do think it would be okay for just the sibling to attend. Obviously not ideal but would be much cheaper than a family of 4 and surely better than missing it entirely.