AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

You're not "a rubbish person" and I don't think you're bitter. You're upset over this because you are probably TOO understanding, accommodating, and compassionate. You'd already reached your limit, and clearly said so, before getting hit with this completely unnecessary and inadvisable change to your holiday. You'd already put up with poor behaviour from your MIL and her partner on a previous holiday, and as a consequence you set very clear boundaries for this one. Everyone agreed to these before the trip was booked. You did everything to explain why this was so important to you, and they completely disregarded everything you'd said and did the exact opposite.

Even if you'd said nothing about wanting just the seven of you on holiday, your MIL should have checked with you and your husband before inviting the other child, and accepted your "no" to changing the plans. That's basic courtesy and common sense. But this isn't even that kind of situation - they seem to have gone out of their way to manipulate the child into coming along on a trip she doesn't even want. Their behaviour is incredibly odd, and even your husband can't explain it.

I would, at this stage, either disinvite them or tell them that only the two of them are invited and if they bring along anyone else at any stage of the holiday, they will be asked to leave. It sounds incredibly weird and probably uncomfortable for you to push back like this because this isn't a normal situation. But you are absolutely not at fault here. If your MIL and partner are playing some weird game - they don't want to go on the trip or they're hoping you'll stay home but don't have the nerve to say so - don't make it your problem. You've already wasted too much energy on this. It's unfair of them to put you in this position.

No! They need to make it clear that the niece WILL NOT BE GOING! And if the in-laws insist, then THEY will be uninvited too!

FFS 🤦‍♀️ Why do so many people put up with shit like this? It astounds me!

Your DH now needs to step up and tell his mum that she, her DP and niece are now uninvited.

They are not to come.

They can be as pissed off as they like - won't change anything. Still uninvited.

Just keep repeating that...

Is it refundable? If it is I’d cancel and just void something for your household. It sounds like the whole holiday will have to be catered to DN now.

You've missed out the option where you assert the boundary.

If you feel too uncomfortable, the fact that this is your booking and you'll be overcrowded. You were worried about fire insurance, so you contacted them to check if they'd allow an extra person plus a camper van and they said no. Your hands are now tied, as you're worried they'd come round to check and kick you out.

Think of it this way. If you back down and go and let this kid ruin it for everyone, you're not taking a stand for your kids to have an enjoyable holiday with you. They'll remember the niece always got her way and they didn't get the fun family holiday, they got jack.

If you stay home, again, you're not prioritizing your kids having a fun family holiday with you there and doing stuff with them.

If you go, you'll be managing your niece, not spending this time with your kids.

Put your kids first.

And stop having holidays with people who stomp your boundaries.

@Heathercost You have paid for it. It is not a case of you all not going, and can’t be a case of just you not going - you need to uninvited your PIL and their guest.

You get 1 week off work to spend with your children. They get 1 week of your time to spend with you. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They deserve to be prioritised and not having to spend their only holiday with a violent older child who will take all their grandparents’ attention and make their mother ill.

Your DH needs to tell his mother “If you insist on child coming with you, then we can no longer host you and your husband. This is our holiday, which we invited you to join us to spend dedicated time with your other grandchildren. As you will not be doing that, we will be holidaying without you.”

Your children deserve you standing up for them on this. They may be upset initially that Granny and Grandpa are not coming, but they will be a whole lot more upset if they are ignored by them in favour of their cousin.

I really think your DH needs to say that this child cannot come.

Learn from this, OP, and stop booking holidays with your in laws. If it's just you, your husband & kids, then you can decide exactly how it goes. The solution to this problem is easily available to you.

Contacting the holiday let owners is a good idea.
Rocking up with a camper van and extra people, marks you out as complete CF's, and you might find they get to cancel and keep the full amount because YOU have broken the agreement.

This is dregs behaviour.

I really can't believe that you're prepared to put up with this OP. As it's your DH's parents, tell him once again, that you are really upset about them sneaking in this other child, and as far as you're concerned it's ruined the holiday for you, as you will be on edge the whole time, waiting for this kid to play up, have the child dumped on you to look after, or they will upset your children, which will ruin THEIR holiday. Tell him that you want him to tell his parents that having thought it over, you've DECIDED that it's best if they don't come at all, and you just keep it as a holiday for yourselves and your children ONLY. If they have contributed financially in anyway, reimburse them, but there's NO WAY that I would allow this to go forward, and bearing in mind your health, and the possibility that this kid will spoil your own children's holiday, either by taking up all of granny and grandad's time, or being nasty, possibly even physical with them. Put your foot down and MEAN IT!!

Honestly, just tell your PILs that they are uninvited along with your DH's niece. You have paid for the holiday and they went behind your back and invited a much older child who is badly behaved and sometimes violent. Your PILs can look after her at home.

You need to get much angrier about this. This child's mother has seven weeks off while you only have this one week with your children where you will need to try and control a badly behaved much older child who could be a danger to your children. Your PILs are really cheeky to do this to you.

YABVU

It’s not just your holiday.
I don’t understand why you think you’re the only one that matters in this situation.

Its your PIL holiday and they asked you to come along.
You could have said no and booked your own separate family holiday instead.

I’m guessing this child has no siblings and therefore MIL thought it would be nice that she gets to spend some time with her cousins.

I think you are resentful that MIL sees this child much more than yours.

Suck it up and enjoy the holiday.
Then in future just go on an immediate family holiday instead.

Don’t let your in laws ruin your holiday-you have options here.

There is a reason women develop health problems, and this situation is a perfect example.

Awful family not giving a damn about them.
You are concerned about your children spending time with a grandmother who doesn't give a shit about you.

Limited annual leave and she still chooses to spoil it for you.

How many times will you put yourself and how you feel last?

That's why shit like this continues.

I feel so sorry for you, but until you start listening to what you want and not allowing yourself and your family to be an after thought, this is your life.

I would ever trust her again.
I would never agree to so much as a night away.

Fool me once.....except it's now multiple times.

If you go, refuse hands down to be involved with your niece, get up and walk away.

Considering your health I would suggest you actually stay home.
Leave your awful inlaws to your husband.

The rest would do you good.

If you actually paid for this then definitely dis invite them all.

This is a great idea. You should definitely suggest that this will not work or even contact the cottage owners.

Basically op your post has made me really pissed off on your behalf. You are absolutely justified in not wanting your holiday completely changed without consultation. I would suggest your DH needs to step up and speak to his mother and tell her- not ask her - that this additional child cannot come, both because it’s not permitted but also and more importantly, because of your health.

or he can just take the mumsnet advice of ‘no is a complete sentence’ and not even give a reason, just this is our holiday and no, this does not work for us.

If you’ve paid for it, just univite them. “since you insist on niece coming, unfortunately it doesn’t work for us. We will just go as a family of 5 and we will see you another time.” And actually stick to it op.

The kid’s mother is offloading her for a freebie holiday. I’d be fuming especially as she’s a difficult child. Stay at home, put your feet up and let them crack on. Fucking cheek.

Yes this was my thought too. I think you can easily get around this OP. No extra people allowed.

If you’ve paid for it disinvite them, if they’ve paid for it don’t go. Either way stop pussy footing around and be honest, they’re not going to sort it so if you really don’t want this kid to come then you’re going to have to sort it yourself.

I think I'd draw a very clear line in the sand.

You don't want the child they've invited there and you don't want them there if they insist.

Screw it.
You will find it hell if you go along with it.
You may as well put your foot down now.

Tell them the whole holiday is cancelled and you have booked something else, then just go yourselves.

It's time for your husband to grow a spine with his mom and her husband and his sister and tell the straight this isn't happening.

Mom, what part of do not invite niece did you not understand? You have gone and invited her anyway. Now I'm telling you you and your husband and kid are no longer invited. If you want to take x somewhere yourself, knock yourself out My wife needs a rest and to spend time with her kids and we are doing that without you.

Maybe sister bugs MIL so much it's more comfortable to basically tell you fuck you, I'm bringing niece but it's your turn to make her uncomfortable. She's not bringing niece or her husband or herself.

Stop saying things like you’re not going to go and then caving.

Tell them your holiday is precious and you don’t want to spend it with another child so they need to not come or not bring her.

This is ridiculous! Why would you ruin your holiday for people who are treating you so badly? Why on earth would you not spend your only week of holiday with your children. A holiday that you paid for! It's so absurd I ended up checking to see if you have a posting history to make sure I wasn't just falling foul of a rage-bait troll.

As PP have said, you (or rather, your DH) need to uninvite them if they insist on taking the child. You not going should absolutely not be an option. The options are they stick to the original plan or they don't come at all.

Even if this sours the relationship, it doesn't sound like a relationship worth maintaining if they can disregard your feelings in that way.