AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

So you’ve paid in full? Easy then. You uninvite MIL, partner and other child. With your health issues you need a break with just DH and your kids. You’re sorry to disappoint, yadda yadda yadda, but you’re sure that they’ll find another cottage for their holiday. Doesn’t sound like you’ll miss out much from stepping back from the relationship.

@Heathercost you really haven’t stood up for yourself as well as you think you have. Do you honestly believe that SIL or PIL would be scared to say a firm no to you if the situation was reversed? These people know how to manipulate and bully you and you let them get away with it. Nothing will change until you are prepared to be more assertive.

Honestly, I would rescind the offer to the Grannies. Take this holiday as one with your children. You could even use the excuse that you checked with the holiday let and you are over capacity because of fire regs and they will not let an extra person sleep in the drive in a van. It’s the original booking without horror niece or you will just take your own family without them. Please do it. It will ruffle some feathers initially but you will be grateful in the end.

I had a holiday like this a few years ago. Summer of 2020. Things just started to open back up after the first lockdown. I had been at home for months with a toddler trying to homeschool my 7 year old while trying to work my FT job and hold onto my sanity. In the middle of lockdown, totally unrelated to COVID, I found out some family secrets that totally blew my family apart and I ended up having to go NC with my mum (my only living family member, other than Dh and my dc). Literally my entire life fell apart while I was trying not to lose my job and stuck in the house with 2 children all day (Dh had to work out of the home to keep our family business from going under). And then I was under investigation for IBD at the time as well and was quite poorly.

We booked a much needed holiday to Wales and I was so completely broken by the time we got there. Holiday cottage was about an hour from BIL and his partner. We made plans to meet them for a day out the day after we got there. Up they bloody pulled with their camper van and announced, surprise!! They were just going to stay with us at our holiday cottage for the week! Dh is a people pleaser and didn’t know what to say. I was literally so broken that I couldn’t even speak. I just poured another glass of wine.

I spent the entire week of the holiday I so desperately needed cooking meals for my new house guests and doing extra shops because we didn’t have enough food or alcohol for 2 extra adults for 7 days. They didn’t so much as buy a takeaway the entire time. Just sat back in my holiday cottage drinking my drinks and eating my snacks and didn’t help, didn’t offer money, just waited to be cooked their dinners. I was completely at breaking point and that week tipped me over the edge.

Our relationship has never been the same again and I avoid them as much as possible now. They have form for this. Show up at Christmas for a week at ours with a 4 pack of beer and a pack of crisps and eat for 7 days like it’s an AI resort, and then announce at the end that they’ll stay an extra two days as having such a lovely time. They aren’t invited for Christmas anymore either, but that holiday really was the tipping point. Don’t be me. I wish I’d told them to bloody well do one with their bloody camper van!

I totally understand this op. We had a similar situation years ago were MIL invited her favourites after everything was arranged. At the time she spent huge amounts of time with this child and her parent but virtually none with our kids. It changed the dynamic of the holiday totally to our kids barely getting a look in let alone any time with there grandmother. We had invited her so she could get to spend quality time with dh and our kids. We have never invited her again on holiday. However in your situation I would say stick to your guns and do not under any circumstances care for this child. You didnt invite them and are not responsible for them. If the adults who took her go to leave without her a prompt "ohh x needs to go with you as you are the one who is caring for her". Alternatively you leave with your dc when they all take off. You are not responsible for this child they are.

Actually this is a brilliant way out OP. They can't just add people and have extra people on site. No property has insurance for that.

I'd say you'll be calling the owners to let them know that one your party is planning to bring extra person so they KNOW this is a red line once and for all.

I can't believe also they have the cheek to bombard you with texts saying 'please come' to your OWN HOLIDAY. It's so gas-lightingly awful.

“We have. I even said we won’t go. And then get bombarded with please go.”

At which point you should say I absolutely will not go unless you can guarantee the child won’t be there, take it or leave it.

This OP. Look up the drama triangle. It explains it so well. the DM is not being fair at all.

I’d personally stand my ground on this. They are walking all over you and will continue to do so until you refuse to accept it. It’s just not on. They don’t want to upset anyone else but couldn’t give a fig about your feelings.
My redline would be that I am not holidaying with any other children. So options are:
If they paid, they go with her and you get your credit card out and book another cottage far away from them.
If you paid, tell them they are invited but she is not. Would they rather come without her or not go at all? Obviously they will insist on coming with her so then I’d just cancel the booking. Personally I’d do that even if I couldn’t get my money back just to make the point that they cannot ignore my wishes.
If you shared costs, ask them if they want to pay you the difference so they go alone or offer them the difference and they don’t go.
Lastly, if it was all agreed in some way that the child would not be coming, and they turned up with her anyway!!! which it sounds like they would totally do, I still would not accept it. Options include to not give them keys and access to the cottage and just go out until late so they have to go back home, (and oh yes I would, they have treated me with such disrespect I would blow up the relationship entirely) or if money is no object have a last minute alternative in your back pocket option not too far away and leave them to it. I appreciate some of these options are expensive so may not be realistic but I would NOT be holidaying with that child. Even if as a last resort I had to upset my own children and drive back home.
You only need to go to these lengths once and next time you won’t be ignored (if there is a next time).

That's a shocking breach of your boundaries.

Your DH's mum and partner are shits of the finest kind.

I would be so livid.

You are unwell. You have a chronic condition. You need to rest and yet they've sacrificed your health for the sake of difficult child.

It's completely unreasonable.

I agree, uninvite the DM and partner.

If they have to come I'd put them all in the camper van. It was their choice to bring her. She should sleep there at least with the partner. She shouldn't be allowed in the house at all.

Of course she doesn’t have to suck it up. Her dh should stop playing patty cake with his horribly enmeshed family and call his sister directly and tell her you are not taking the niece with you.

Do you not see that OP ‘s husband’s family operates on classic toxic family rules? MIL favours her loser dd and her children (golden child) and treats her own ds (OP’s dh) as the utility child whose job /assets/money/family belong to MIL and golden child. MIL triangulates between them (don’t call the child’s mother is also classic as it divides dh from his sister and makes MIL the gatekeeper).

The only way out is for OP and her DH to prioritize themselves snd their children. This is an absolute necessity given OP’s health and work issues.

Just refuse to be part of this constant drama triangle go around where you are always called to “rescue” SIL/child or accused of “persecuting “ them.

I would go but I would do things with just my family during the day and the grandparents can look after the other child. Then met up in the evening

i would not even tell them what I would be doing each day just a we are getting in the car and will decide

Absolutely no way. If the GP want to take the niece away they can do that in nearby accommodation perhaps or on an entirely different trip.

This cottage is primarily for you, DH and your kids. The GPs were invited but they’ve changed the rules. That’s the end of the matter.

you’re a grown up and his parents have no right to determine who goes on the holiday you’ve arranged, or to police who speaks to the niece/ sister. I’d be absolutely furious.

They are choosing their other grandchild so you choose your own family and uninvite your MIL and partner. They can still take their preferred grandchild away with them, it just won't be with you.

You still get the holiday cottage with your children and Dh. You all still get the holiday you booked.

Your Dh needs to tell his Mum that she is choosing this child again over his and he will not stand for it. It is not happening. Your time is precious with your children, you are only getting 1 week away this summer so make the most of it.

Stand firm, tell them no and you fucking mean it. Nothing they say will persuade you. This is you setting a boundary and stick with it. As a parent of adult children it goes so fast so make the most of your family time, you shouldn't have to slap a smile on your face.

When you say you've paid, do you mean you've paid all of it? Or that you've paid your share? If the former, it is your holiday that they are tagging along to. So I would invite them. It is your kids' holiday and they don't get along.

Your DH needs to step up and take control. This is his family. He needs to tell his mum you are not well enough to bring an extra child into the mix, and that she cannot come. He can also call his sister and give her the same message.

Cancel it. Book something else for your family and let your PIL and niece do something else without you.

This will never stop if you give in to it now. Time for the point to be made.

Don’t let the other child go. Phone their mum if you must but do not let this spoil the only time you have with your children and their grandparents.Granny will spend all her time fussing over the other child instead of giving you a break for once. I would be livid.

This. It’s really simple - just tell them that the invitation is off. No explanation needed. You go with your family, relax and enjoy your holiday! 🙂

I have.

OP is the only one bothered about this.

It was MIL’s idea and OP and the family chose to go with them.

Everyone saying to cancel etc even though OPs kids will miss out are being incredibly selfish.

OP has the option to stay home if she really can’t cope being around this child but it’s not fair to cancel and ruin everyone’s holiday over this.

Like I said she needs to suck it up this one time and then not book her limited AL going with anyone but her immediate family.

Wake up and smell the coffee. Your in laws are displaying absolute contempt for you and this bait and switch was always going to happen. You and your dh should absolutely just say no and disinvite your MIL and her partner. Stand up for yourselves. At least you won’t feel like such a patsy even if the holiday is ruined.

In light of all this, I am definitely in the no camp, even if that means cancelling the whole holiday / inviting the in laws. You ar unwell and you have very limited holiday. Yous hours not be bullied into holidaying with someone else’s difficult child. Full stop

It's just a no. You booked and paid for a specific trip, so uninvite them.

There's not a lot more to say than they've crossed a line and it's not happening.

Just tell them it is against the terms and conditions of the booking, the cottage sleeps 7, it doesn't permit extra guests camping outside!

Tell me you’ve not actually bothered to read the OP’s post without telling me…….. et cetera…

Oh dear. I hate to tell you this, but you have not stood up for yourself. Maybe a tiny bit, I don't want to discourage you, but you are still getting steamrolled and seem to have accepted that you have no choice but to go on this holiday and look after this child who is violent, disobedient, runs away, won't tidy up, etc. Your own holiday WILL be ruined and you will come back more tired than before and you'll have used up all your leave to do it while your husband's sister will have several more weeks of relaxing, no doubt continuing to use your MIL as a free babysitter.

Standing up for yourself, and setting boundaries, doesn't mean you say, "Don't do this" or "please don't do this" or "we are really sad that you did this and feel really hurt." It means that when the other person does the thing you asked them not to do, you act to protect yourself. You don't just speak to protect yourself. You ACT. This may be uncomfortable for the other person. They may lose out on something they wanted. That's the consequence of them crossing your boundaries.

In this case, you told your MIL not to invite anyone and she did so anyway. You told her that, for your health, you really need this holiday to have no extra visitors and she invited this child anyway. And this isn't just any child. This child is particularly difficult. She didn't just ignore your boundaries. She has done something that is actively destructive towards your health and wellbeing.

Now, instead of asserting your boundaries, you are more or less saying, "Well that's it then. I just have to go and suck it up."

What you do in this situation depends on who paid for the rental. If it's your MIL, you just don't show up. Don't pay her for it - your payment was under the agreement for a trip that she reneged on. Use the money to go somewhere else. If you and your DH paid for the rental, uninvite your MIL and her partner (and whoever they have tagging along with them). Tell them it's canceled, or don't. if they show up, call the owner and ask them to be removed from the property. Or cancel the rental and rent somewhere else. Or, call the sister and tell her the child was never invited because your MIL didn't pay for this rental and never had the right to invite someone else.

Asserting boundaries means acting. Not just talking.