AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

Yep. Utterly pathetic.

As kindly as I can OP, you and your husband are being doormats and you've taught this toxic family of his to walk all over you. It's time to find your teeth and start baring them at his relatives.

How dare your disgraceful excuse for MIL invite an extra person on a holiday she is not paying for. What an arrogant, entitled b-word. Who cares if the truth hurts her, its about time she heard it. You are ill and you need to be prioritised. The terrible teen absolutely should not be gatecrashing someone else's holiday at everyone else's expense. The entirlement of the teen's mother. All these people in your husband's family need to start hearing the word NO and hearing it a lot more than they have to date.

I'm glad you've had a drink to give you some courage. Don't you dare back down or apologise when they get upset. It's your turn to be upset, furious and hurt by their appalling actions. Let them have it with both barrels. It's about time.

If you've paid for it just say they aren't coming now unless they want to stump up half for it ffs.
Op I feel for you but you and hubby need to stop being such pushovers.
I hope you are able to get the holiday you wanted, don't go on a break with them again as they clearly have form for this behaviour.

Just RTFT and you absolutely shouldn’t hesitate to uninvited MIL, her DP and the niece. Glad you’ve sent a message. Please stand firm.

Don’t bother coming up with campervan ideas which leave you open to emotional blackmail about niece needing a bed or similar.

And ignore any nonsense about you disappointing the niece.

Whatever you do, however you do it, do not end up with these thoughtless people and a ‘violent’ niece on your precious holiday.

You booked it. You paid for it. Specifically because they said they wanted to spend time with your kids.

You say "this isn't what I agreed to. I'm cancelling the holiday if you don't tell them she can't come."

They're a bunch of absolute cheeky fuckers. They've asked you to take them on holiday, you've gone and bloody bought them a holiday and they've gone and invited someone else as well. Nah. Tell them it's cancelled and just take your kids.

It astounds me the brass neck they've got that they think they can go on a holiday you've paid for, while you stay home, because they've invited an extra person who isn't welcome.

I'd be very clear that you are going, she is not, and if they can't cope with that then THEY are welcome to stay at home. 'oh, please come' my arse. How dare they try and steal your bloody holiday!

Tbh even if she doesn't come now you're not going to have a pleasant time away with them, it's probably best to tell them they've really upset you, you need space, so it's best they don't come at all.

Also, I may have read this wrong, but is the mother suggesting you will pay the school fine?! You said she's decided I will pay, I hope you meant her, not you?!

As you've paid, I'd say either you come without extra child or, if you want a week with child, don't come. Go somewhere else without us and we'll enjoy the cottage we booked and paid for.

Oh and your DH is being an absolute wet lettuce not dealing with them himself directly considering your health issues. 😡

Whoever the parents are of this child it’s clear that those parents are more important to the MIL than you and your family. So they will be prioritised no matter how sick you are . So it’s not about being unreasonable or not it’s about facing what is happening and responding accordingly. If it were me I would prioritise my health and my family. The MIL etc is not prioritising you and your family at all , which is appalling given the health issues you have described. This is is so serious, you must prioritise yourself and your health and do not feel responsible for explaining anything to MIL, she has demonstrated that she ultimately does not care about you or the pressure she is putting you under , I really wish you well and hope very much you can let go of worrying about someone who clearly doesn’t have the same regard for you .

If it's your booking, in your name, and you and your DH paid then just tell them no extra people!

They can come without their golden grandchild and spend precious time with just your kids on your one week of holidays where you are planning on spending time with just them and their grandparents, or they can stay home.

Not being arsey but we could have meant PIL too. If PIL have paid nothing they are CFs.

If you're going to be an arsey cow at least be correct. Op literally says "we paid" on her 2nd post.

If you paid for the holiday just tell them either the niece doesn't come or they all don't come and that you don't mind which. You can't break the Ts and Cs for the house which is the reason. Done.

Total pain the backside though and I can see why it's a conversation you aren't looking forward to!

I might nit have been so blunt as this reply, but it is absolutely correct.

This is what I would do. I would be blunt and tell MIL that she and her partner and her other grandchild are no longer welcome to come on holiday with you. And that you will NEVER fall for her bullshit again.

I would write them out of my life, they add nothing but stress to it. Yes, it's DH's mum. So what? Being a blood relative does not give her the right to fuck you and your children over, time after time after time. So that hurts your DH's feelings? Tough. It's long past time that he chose to be a husband and father, and not just a son. And as a father he should be protecting his children from his fucking awful birth family. I'd be disowning the lot of them and never having any contact with them again.

And before anyone bleat about the OP's children have the right to know their grandparents - the right to be protected from knowing they will always come last in these grandparents eyes outranks it. Some family relationships are just plain damaging to children.

I would use the insurance issue. If the camper van is at the premises it’s likely to breach it in any case,

pILs have been incredibly rude and wrong to include an extra person, especially on your dime without your prior approval. DH really should be dealing with this rather than you.

if they can’t uninvite the extra person perhaps the three of them can go on holiday elsewhere and you can have a lovely time with your family,

Your husband is being pathetic, leaving it to his ill wife to sort out the cheeky fuckery of his mother and sister.

What plans have been made regarding paying for meals and food etc while you’re all there? If in-laws and niece end up coming along will in-laws contribute or will they expect you and your husband to pay for the three of them in addition to you paying for the accommodation?

I would be texting my MIL…
”Hi Patricia, we have gone back and forth on this and I’m just not happy about the dynamic of the holiday having been changed with the extra child/camper van..etc. I know you explicitly wanted to have a holiday with our kids, so DH and I have decided that yourself and Brian must go ahead with our three and Lexi. You will all be able to stay in the holiday home and I know the kids will have a ball with you both. DH and I are already planning some day trips while you guys are away… Let’s make arrangements now for pick up/drop off on Monday morning…

I would say it's cheeky they've invited another child without asking you, unless there's a very good reason, like a tragedy in the family/

Just uninvite parents in law and niece and go just your family.
Holiday time together is too precious.

Your husband would rather fuck you and your kids over than tell his mom and sister no, other kid is not welcome and now you aren't either.

Your husband would rather you be left home while not well and your kids have a shit time because his mom brought the other kid.

Your husband is afraid of his mother and sister, so much so he would rather your whole vacation be fucked than tell them no.

Your husband sounds very passive and I'd lose a lot of respect for him over this.

I couldn’t be this offended about it to be honest. Slightly annoying yes, but there are 3 other adults present to take on caring responsibilities for only 1 extra child.
having one more present may actually improve dynamics if as you say, you are fond of the child… and even if not I don’t understand how her presence stops you from enjoying time with your family?
it sounds like a non issue that has become one because there are deeper issues to tackle within the family.
And of course you have free will, if you truly feel like it’s such an issue then don’t go.
on a side note though, the camping trip you described sounds hellish & really unfair to everyone that had to pick up the slack!

I don’t understand the difficulty. If you@Heathercost and your DH have paid the full cost, you or your DH tell his parents to find their own accommodation elsewhere with this niece, and NOT on the cottage grounds. If they are offended, all the better - otherwise they will continue to pull things like this.

I'm probably the age your PILs are, but had to deal with my own parents and PILs at about your age... manipulators gonna manipulate. That whole 'don't cancel, we'll do it' then 'oops, no, we didn't at the last minute' - been there, these games they all play... It's insulting that they think you are children to be manipulated - I bet your DH had that all his life, which is why he's so ineffectual now. It happens.

I know it's upsetting and stressful, and I feel for you. But you do have to draw a few hard lines now. Your DH won't have the wherewithal to do it, so you have to take the reins and do it now, for yourself - annoying but true. Be brave enough to be the 'baddie'. If you stand up to them, your DH may well realise it is possible, and you start to break the spell.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking 'only through ill health do I have the grounds to stand up for myself.' You not wanting to do something is enough. Whatever reason or excuse you give will never be enough for them, they will argue and wheedle and pick away at it it like a seagull with a winkle. Let your Yes be Yes and your No be No, babe!

Honestly, you are upset because your boundaries are being horribly trampled! It's good to find your determination and self-defence! These are the situations in which you get to practice being assertive. It feels horrible when you start doing it, but it makes life much easier in the long run.

Power to you! ✊