AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

The ex friend sounds terrifying

The friend sounds toxic. Very odd that the family are so completely enamoured with her at the expense of their own son and grandchildren.

The friend sounds a bit needy. He’s been married 5 years. She needs to accept the situation. Your family need to understand the importance of keeping brother and sil close. The sil sounds quite sensible and is fine with the ex wife.
Has she not got family
of her own. Her behaviour shouldn’t be encouraged.

There is clearly a lot more to it than the DB is sharing. He should not be forced into sharing details that he or his wife may be uncomfortable with.

The fact he and his wife are having to actively avoid social situations she's at shows the level of discomfort they feel. That should really be enough to signal to the family that it is a situation to be taken seriously and managed not exacerbated by a taking sides approach.

If the sexes were reversed and this was a male friend and a sister, I think people would view the situation quite differently and be more willing to give the family member support without necessarily having to know all the ins and outs.

No one is saying they can't continue to see this friend, but to prioritise the brother/SIL if it's a significant family get together. That is not at all unreasonable.

Can't imagine having the gall to create these issues as ex BF is doing. Us she not embarrassed?

But if the friend has in fact done something terrible, it’s the brother’s responsibility to communicate this. The OP has asked him. He says they just grew apart and his wife doesn’t like her. That’s no reason for sunk e else to drop an old family friend.

From what you’ve said I would assume that something has happened that the family don’t know about.

I agree with you. The family should support your DB.

Sounds to me like the friend is trying to turn the family against the SIL, that’s a strike against her, surely any decent person would step back from family events and avoid your brother becoming estranged from his family.

How did the ex wife feel about this friend? Maybe DB has learned from his mistakes?

I reckon your SIP is spot on with what's bothering her, especially if she has a good relationship with his ex. In your brother's shoes I'd be really hurt that family weren't supporting my marriage.

This is a strange situation @SILhatesHer

The friend should not be the priority. Seems weird that the family would do this. They could easily catch up with her separately without having to invite her to everything and push your DB/SIL out.

I think you're right to raise this as an issue with your family. Ignore anyone who says to keep your nose out. I think you're being a good sister and SIL to support them

Sorry, the friend can’t understand why their relationship has changed when DB has gotten married to a woman? Really? It’s called marital boundaries…and a lot of the family seem to lack an understanding of boundaries.

i think it’s insane they’re choosing a friend over your brother.

It's not the family that are making a decision to keep your DB and SIL from going to events. It's their choice.

Given they are all adults, unless there is something more to the story than you have explained here, they should be able to be civil enough to one another over the course of an evening.

If your DB chooses not to attend, that's on him.

Did his ex wife get on with this friend. Do you think your family see her as his endgame and this has ruined their plans. Are they close to her family

That was my assumption too - maybe the friend was hoping for a romantic relationship after your DB split up with his previous wife, but DB did not, and this has changed the friendship. As a previous poster has said, the fact that your SIL gets on with the ex-wife suggests the friend is the problem, not SIL. I think your family are being unfair here.

You should definitely carry on inviting your DB and his family over her, but talk to your DB again about his "too intense" comment and what she did to upset his wife. If the friend tried to do something bad to scupper their marriage, then the rest of the family should be told. It's so wrong they are putting this woman above their grandchildren/nieces and nephews.

In you post you said your brother told you:
"They had opposing views on what the friendship was going forward, he said he found her too intense and that she upset SIL."

Did the friend indicate she had strong romantic feelings / tell your brother not to get married or similar? That's my immediate assumption and I'm surprised your family haven't come to the same conclusion.

This isn't that important though. Or at least, it's not in your control, like the rest of it.

You can't control who your family invites to events. They're not "prioritising your brother's ex-best friend", they're inviting a woman they consider their friend of multiple decades' standing.

You can't control your brother's decision to keep him and his children away from events she'll be at.

You can't force any of these parties to compromise if they don't want to. Judging any of them as unreasonable will just make them dig their heels in more. They obviously don't see the situation in the same way you do and you can't control this.

SiL might be controlling, or the friend might have a crush on DB or a sense of ownership or just poor boundaries, none of you have any idea. I think you're absolutely right to challenge family who are choosing to invite someone not in the family to events knowing that DB and SiL won't come as a result. It feels very pointed.

In that case they need to be working doubly hard to keep BIL close, in case he needs to leave! If my sibling was in a controlling relationship I’d be hanging on to them for dear life!!

Absolutely this. There have been so many threads in the past about pushy female friends crossing boundaries, or making the wife feel uncomfortable and posters telling OP to ensure the husband puts his wife first. Your brother has done just this and your family are punishing him for it. It’s his choice who he’s friends with and the wider family don’t know the ins and outs of what’s gone on between them or with SIL.

Yes your family are entitled to invite whoever they want to event they are hosting but it seems unnecessarily cruel to invite someone when you know doing so will prevent family members, including grandchildren from attending. Your mum can maintain a friendship with this woman if she wants to but she doesn’t need to be included in everything.

Could your brother be persuaded to attend events and just ignore her for the sake of his children’s wider family relationships? If not can he explain why he’s so averse to being in this woman’s presence? Friendships end, if there was no massive reason surely they can be civil. Ultimately it’s the children who are being penalised here for adults being unable to be mature about coexisting peacefully (unless there is some unknown completely understandable reason that you’re unaware of).

Do you think your brother is in a coercive relationship? The friends response is utterly bizarre if the only issue is that he doesn’t want to be friends with her anymore. I get she may be hurt but she sounds like she’s campaigning to get the family to turn against SIL.

I think there’s probably a difference for your be SIL between an ex partner with shared children and a best single(?) friend.

I can totally see why an opposite sex best friend would be more of an issue for a partner, her and your brother must have been very close if they’ve had such a long term friendship.

His former best friend is acting strangely, maybe she had feelings for him, or maybe she doesn’t understand why she has been dropped after so long and it’s easier to blame your brother’s partner rather than him. She is probably very hurt.

I do think your family’s actions are strange though. I would expect them to want their children and grandchildren at events.

You can mention it to your parents that they'll see less and less of their son and grandchildren if they keep inviting the ex best friend. You can't force them to not invite her though, so eventually it's their choice who they want to see more. Just keep inviting DB/SIL to your own events and if anyone comments about the ex, tell them what you've said here - family is more important to you.

The friend sounds crazy and her behaviour is worrying. Doing a Clare's law on your sister in law and talking about coercive control? Jesus wept! Who does she think she is and what gives her the right?

Well according to the OP, all the family are backing her up.

So there could well be more to this than even the OP knows.

You are correct @SILhatesHer . The friend sounds crazy and her behaviour is worrying. Doing a Clare's law on your sister in law and talking about coercive control? Jesus wept! Who does she think she is and what gives her the right?
You are doing the right thing. Supporting your brother, his wife and children. How can your parents, siblings etc justify putting someone who is not a family member before their son/brother, grandchildren/nieces/nephews.
His ex and their children are accepting yet his own family don't.

She's a family friend. Not your brother's ex friend. They can invite who they like. If him and his Mrs want to avoid her that's their business.

But it's hardly like the fact they're remaining friends with her is actually preventing any family relations. It's your brother who's choosing to boycott events where she is present.