AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

What are these family gatherings? Summer bbq with all the neighbours? Grandma’s 90th? Christmas?
if it is family only then it is really weird that she keeps getting invited AND showing up even after DB has said that it makes him uncomfortable. Clearly something happened, and kudos to him for not keeping it private, and for putting his family first.

i would mention it to people… who is coming? Oh, why do you keep inviting X to family functions? You know that her and DB are no longer friends…
people can stay friends with her, and meet for a coffee, she doesn’t have to come to all family functions - not her family.

This is going to be one of those weird situations where the family always imaged the friends being a couple a big happy family.

Where as dbro married one women and had children. Separated.

I bet friend then made the move to secure this family with him backed up by your parents and other family members.

Dbro wanted nothing to do with it. Not interested romantically. Meets new wife. Friend acts like a dog marking its territory. Dbro goes enough is enough friend.

friend runs off telling your family about control wife ruining everything wah wah woe is me 😭

Is most like the story. Hell friends probably kept pushing behind the scenes as well by the fact she so desperately wants to keep going to these events 5 years on and is getting her pitch fork out for a legal search and trying to claim a person who hasn’t been interested in 5 years is in a coercive marriage.

Keep doing what you are op. Don’t invite the friend maintain the relationship with bro and children.

That sounds like a strange situation. I'd possibly discuss my concerns with my family, but if your brother is bothered, surely he'll raise the issue himself. If you mother is inviting the old friend knowing that it's the reason her own son isn't attending events, that's just weird. She prioritises seeing the friend over her own child?

There's clearly some backstory you're not privy to. Could it be that your mother knows something you do not? Not being particularly good friends with someone isn't usually enough to prevent you from attending family gatherings because she'll be there.

Your brother needs to deal with this, if it needs dealing with.

I can't really believe all the replies that are saying this is fine!!

@SILhatesHer of course your family should prioritise your DB over any family friend - jeez, how close can a non-family member be that they get invited to so much family stuff?!

Only you know the best approach to apply for your DM etc. but I'm completely in agreement that this has to change going forwards. If your DM or whoever misses this friend so much they can meet up separately with them but family time is just that - Family only.

As pp's have said I assume the friend wanted more than that from your DB and that's where the friendship, for him, ended.

Does anyone remember Lovely and Somerville (I think) - there was a "friend" there that was determined to hang onto Lovely (even though she was herself married) - I'm feeling the same vibes here.

He was married before and plenty of people don’t think marriage has to mean abandoning all friendships.

I think people like to look for abuse in this but I see this a lot with men.

Female friends are as good for as long as they are single for the level of emotional support they don’t see in male friendships.

Once they get a female partner to replace that role, the female friend is ditched.

It’s sad and I have experienced this too. The friend is right to be upset. It’s debilitating to learn your friend never viewed your friendship the same way. I think your family are fair to decide for themselves they don’t wish to ditch her however as she has done nothing wrong.

Edit - ignore me. I missed your last paragraph somehow. It seems he was married before and the friendship continued so there is something else. You still cannot control who your family choose to be friends with. If your brother and his spouse avoid events as a result that’s on them.

I don't think you should meddle in whom your parents (and other siblings?) do or don't invite to their home.

I'd leave your parents and brother to resolve this between themselves.

Unfortunately sometimes family members lack moral courage and take the path of least resistance. Because they know the friend will be upset and it will be awkward, it’s easier to continue involving her in everything and treating your brother like an outsider.

and his new wife its like omg your not talking to her etc

but then thats still down to DB to make the effort ?

Oh come on.

If a guy makes a move on you and you turn him down, the next logical step is not to attend all his family get togethers and slander his wife.

Think through what you have written, it makes no sense at all.

Yeah I agree it’s odd they are prioritising her over their own son. If I had an ex friend I’d find it so odd if my family kept inviting hers to stuff.

How did your brother's first wife get on with the friend?

I think it’s weird that she’s still being invited by your family when they know how your brother and SIL feel. But realistically, what do you think you will achieve by saying something? Your brother and SIL - the people this actually affects - have said something. They’ve done more than that; they’ve voted with their feet. If that hasn’t changed anything, why are your firm words going to be the silver bullet?

All you can do is keep on doing what you’ve been doing and prioritising your brother when you are hosting. Maybe invite them without the rest of your family sometimes too, so they can just enjoy themselves without the elephant in the room. Stick to the things you can control.

"Different views about the friendship going forward"... "too intense". She declared feelings as soon as he found someone and started being manipulative when rejected.
What, did his ex wife think of her?

My betting is that brother has always had a thing for friend but she’s made it clear they’re just very good friends so he’s tried to move on. This hasn’t worked and marriage has failed and friend still wasn’t interested like that so he’s tried moving on again and has tried to distance himself from friend to try and make it work this time. Sil can probably also sense this which is why she doesn’t like friend.
Friend has no idea what she’s done so to her it’s the sils jealousy that looks like a problem and explains why db won’t say she’s done anything wrong, because she hasn’t.

I’m not sure why she’s accepting invites, particularly as her connection to the family, your DB, isn’t turning up. Does she not have much family of her own?

I do think you are right to stop inviting her. She’s not part of your family, she’s not your brothers friend anymore, she’s not really your friend (in that you don’t see her 1-2-1) so why would you invite her? to your family complaining just say “she’s neither my family nor my friend. If she’s your friend and you want to invite her to your events, do that. It’s odd to invite her and not brothers ex-wife who was family.”

They were FWB!!

No it’s not. He’s entitled to maintain his own and his wife’s privacy.

It’s possible that he’s trying to be kind and not to ruin the friend’s reputation or embarrass her in front of his family.

Regardless “we are no longer friends” is quite enough information.

But his expectations - that his family don't include someone who makes him and his wife uncomfortable at gatherings - are reasonable. The family's expectations that he and his wife spend time with someone who makes them uncomfortable are the unreasonable expectations.

His relationship with his parents should not be dependent on accepting someone who makes him and his wife feel deeply uncomfortable. Especially someone who is not even a family member.

There is no need for them to be at the same gatherings all the time. This situation can be easily managed if a little thought is applied rather than people digging their heels in. It's not that difficult to make this workable, just needs a little common sense.

Well, it’s the brother who is not attending the gatherings. Surely it’s just as logical to see him as losing a relationship with his parents and other family members?

What kind of friend enmeshed herself with her best friend's family to the point that she's pushed him and his wife out of being at family gatherings?

That's not a good friend. A good friend would recognize that he and his wife being around his family should take priority over her.

She's enmeshed herself in the middle of his family like a cuckoo and those accusations of wife being abusive are coming from somewhere. I would bet the ex friend is jealous and toxic. She's started a vicious family feud over your brother marrying and split your family. That's no friend.

You're doing well to support your bro. I don't know if you can stop ex friend and the family that are part of that web from keeping on trying to undermine your brother's marriage but it's worth a try.

The advice I would give him would be go no contact with those that support her. They are actively working to take this feud to the next level by involving police and spreading awful rumours. If I was him I'd move and only keep contact with supportive family if they agreed not to let the ex friend and her supporters have any info about them down to their address.

Your parents risk losing a relationship with your db if they persist in getting the ex friend to come over. What are they thinking?!