AIBU to ask family to stop prioritising my brother's ex best friend?

Fine. But then they don’t get to complain that their son and his family don’t come.

Seriously - you’re saying people shouldn’t be able to rely on their own parents?

OP’s parents have two choices here. Either they accept their son’s wishes and he attends, or they decide the family friend and their right to invite her is more important - in which case, they accept the son and his family don’t come. There is no magic option 3 where they get what they want.

OP’s brother and SIL are the parents. They get to decide where their child does and doesn’t go.

It comes down to choice on both sides - and both sides have to deal with the consequences. OO’s parents have decided they want this woman there no matter what: their choice. But they can’t then complain if their son makes HIS choice not to come.

I agree. But it needs to be flushed out.
The silence is not appropriate given the established relationships being upended.

What an awkward situation for you op. Fwiw, I totally agree with you. Your family shouldn't prioritise your family friend over your brother and SIL. They are causing a rift in your family by prioritising her.

You should definitely keep inviting your brother. I wouldn't bother addressing whatever has happened between him and his ex BF, you'll never get to the bottom of it. I would make SIL feel especially welcome. Keep the kids in close contact.

Might you point out to your mum your feelings. How there needs to be some balance perhaps?

Good luck

The responses to this thread surprise me.

It's not even as if SIL has taken a random dislike to friend - friend has done a Claire's Law on her and accused her of abuse - assuming she is innocent of this, it's human nature for SIL to feel hurt and insulted by this. And quite rightly DB is supporting his wife - sounds like he is behaving like a good husband - fair play to him.

If this was my brother, however much I liked friend, I would prioritise inviting DB to large family events. If I still wanted to be friends with friend (and that's questionable after the way she has treated SIL) I would see her separately.

OP, you can't control your family's actions but you have the right to politely express your opinions on what they are doing. I imagine DB and SIL would appreciate your support.

Out of interest (sorry if I missed this) what is Ex SIL's view of friend? As she is wellplaced to have an insight into how friend behaves towards DB and his relationships.....

I guess it’s fair enough to
maintain a friendship with ex friend, but at family events, surely their son should take priority? To put it bluntly, she’s not family. Did they hope (or assume) your brother would marry her (still hoping?). Maybe that’s want she wanted as well and that’s why the friendship broke down.

It sounds ex friend could be the one with coercive control and maybe your brother has broken free.

Continue what you are doing by supporting your brother and sil. You’re doing the right thing.

Something strange is going on if DB's former friend is being invited to family events even though the hosts know that her being there means that DB and his children won't attend. Why are they doing that? Do they hate SIL and want to exclude her at any cost?
You are doing the right thing by inviting DB instead of her to family meetups. You don't know why his wife dislikes/distrusts/fears his former friend, she may have her reasons; you don't need to take sides, just to recognise that it's a possibility, and it sounds as if DB is also uncomfortable with her these days as he finds her too intense.
Family members who want to continue seeing her, including you, can do it at times when it isn't natural to invite DB.

The brother and SIL clearly think they do have a good reason - it's just one Op unware of and rest of family doesn't seem to want to consider.

The op even says:
I think there is a bigger issue with the friend that we don’t know about.

Why brother and SIl haven't told rest of the family is odd but perhaps there a pattern of rest of family being flying monkeys and their concerns being dismissed.

OP doesn't seem to think SIL is one to over react - and gets on with the actualy ex - all points to this "friend" having done something -

She said she is really hurt by this that she feels she’s lost her best friend and doesn’t understand why etc etc . All of my family are saying how awful it is and really backing her up. To the point she is now taking about coercive control and worrying that DB is somehow being abused by SIL. Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

That's not a normal reaction from friend.

But there is a good reason. The ex friend has cuckoo'd her way into the family and is accusing OP's bro's wife of being abusive and wanting to contact the police and do a Clare's Law on the wife.

The ex friend is dangerous and the more people who go no contact with her and don't play her toxic games, the better. No relationship with the parents, no relationship with the kids.

I think you don’t get to withhold your children from familial relationships without good reason. It’s cruel to both the children and the wider family.
If there’s a reason, fine; say what it is and give an opportunity for it to be resolved.
If there isn’t, it’s a problem that needs to be sorted out.

This seems contradictory. You say OP’s brother and SIL have no right to object to this woman being invited - yet when they vote with their feet and don’t attend the events, “a conversation needs to be had” about the children not being there.

Why do OP’s parents get to decide who they invite and tough luck for anyone who objects, but OP’s brother and SIL don’t get a choice about attending? Which is it - are people free to make their own decisions without family interference or not?

It most certainly is if it is the main cause of disruption within a family unit. I would never consider putting my sons EX! friend before my son & DIL or my sons former wife if there were no children involved. If it caused my family unhappiness that would be enough for me to back off. If you don't agree then that's your mindset & opinion. It wouldn't be everyone's idea & they are just as entitled to prioritise the general feeling within immediate family.

Insane. Your/your husband’s decision to end a friendship has absolutely no bearing on whether other family members are also friends with the person.

It’s none of your or your brothers business who the rest of the family are friends with. He’s entitled to end his friendship with this woman, he’s deranged to think he can dictate who other people in his family are friends with. He’s the only one causing an issue here by refusing to be an adult about it and go to the events if he wants to. “Family” is used to excuse such batshit behaviour sometimes. Family is people you’re biologically related to, not a groupthink cult. If they think your brother is being an idiot, why should they prioritise him just because “family”? What matters is individual relationships, regardless of familial status. If people prioritise friendships over family members that’s entirely their prerogative. Maybe they just like her more than your brother.

This. You can’t get involved too much OP. It’s clear to anyone with a pair of eyes something has gone on with this “friend” and if they are too stupid to see that then that’s on them. This “friend” is also throwing around a lot of serious and seemingly baseless accusations about SIL in the hope of winning over his family members. Shady AF.
Keep doing what you’re doing and seeing the situation for what it is. Ultimately family is family, and whether she intends it or not this “friend” is trying (successfully) to drive a wedge between DB and his family. THAT is the behavior in all this that smacks of control.

You can invite who you want to things you host.

If people critise then frankly I would be blunt - inviting friend means causing issues with Sil and brother meaning children aren't getting to know family - and you are prioritising family not this friend.

However when others host - you can't really object.

If they moan SIL and brother and kids aren't coming again then you can say well you knew inviting friend meant they would not come - doesn't matter anyone else views on that that's their stance - as SIL gets on with brother ex you are assume there something admiss with friend conduct. Beyond that - you don't get to say is invited.

If the other family members are complaining they don't see your DB's children- point out that they are choosing that. And then butt out and carry on as you are.

This friend has clearly developed individual relationships with all your DB’s family members, having been around for so long. These are entirely separate from her now expunged relationship with your DB.
It is unreasonable of your DB and SiL to boycott gatherings with family that include the friend, and thereby insist on you all cutting your own relationships with her, unless they’ll tell you explicitly what the problem is i.e. the thing that you think you’re in the dark about.

If there is no BIG, hidden reason, and it’s just that your SIL doesn’t like her, a conversation needs to be had about withholding the children from family activities based on her own whim. This is unfair and controlling.

If there IS something else that has happened or is going on, then you all have a decision to make.

Even talk of doing a Clare’s law on SIL or making a report of coercive control ?

Because your DB no longer wants to be friends with her? Has your extended family no concern for how that accusation could affect his DC? They would rather put this woman and her feelings first over your brother, his wife but most importantly his children. Your brother is right to keep far,far away from all the family that are supporting this shit stirrer former friend.

My general thoughts before I read this.

When circumstances change such as marriage, divorce etc then often the family & friends dynamic of those involved change too. The fact your brother has grown apart from this woman & is prioritising his wife is admirable. His former friend shoudn't be continuing to interfere with your family life when it's obvious your brother & his wife don't wish to continue the relationship. Your mother is wrong to keep it going. I wouldn't like it if my mil was still involved with a former friend of DH unless it was a former wife with children involved. There is basically no need for the relationship to continue especially when her DIL is being made to feel uncomfortable with the whole situation.

I think the word coercive is used all too freely and frequently nowadays. Your SIL may be well within her right to ask her own husband not to maintain relationship with a woman from his past, even if that woman was a longstanding friend, if something inappropriate had happened. It doesn't sound like the rest of the family know the full story. I wouldn't think that would be controlling of her at all, she may well have her reasons and they may be totally valid.
I think it's strange your family are siding with the friend, and not with their own family member - I would trust my family member that they have good and valid reasons for avoiding this woman (who sounds like she's stirring up trouble, or at least trying to).
Having said all that, you can't tell people who to invite, but I do think the choice they're making is very strange. If I had to cut ties with a friend due to something to do with my DP, and then my family were quite happy to not see me or my kids just so they could continue seeing my former friend, I'd be devastated and feel very betrayed by the people who are meant to be the closest to me.

It seems like there are some strange family dynamics. Most families have some "family only" events and it would be very odd for a family to continually be inviting an ex friend along, especially at the expense of their own child and grandchildren. I'd tell them what you think especially in regard to the ex friend dropping poison and manipulating the situation. You can't force the family to change but you can decide who you invite to your events and also which family events you attend.

Wow I can't believe that all the people are happy that another woman is wanting to force out the brothers wife, accusing her of controlling him.

So all of the women who replied would be happy to have your husband and his family invite someone who doesn't like you to family events... someone who isn't family.

Her connection to the family is that she was close friends with the brother. That is no longer the case and very clearly she has done something to upset him and he's too nice/embarrassed to say...and all of his family want her around.

*keeping it private and not telling everyone all the gossip