To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

Don't go to any of it and make it clear to anyone who asks why. And absolutely definitely DO NOT pick up the cake!!!!

That's unbelievably cheeky of her

It’s a birthday; not a hen - very different. Maybe the birthday girl does not see her as top tier friend - does everyone have to be best friends?!

Either go and enjoy it or don’t but don’t complain as the birthday girl will be relieved she didn’t invite you.

Fuck her and her childish bullshit.

This is one of 10 ladies to attend OP’s hen do. Can you hand on heart state that in OP’s shoes you wouldn’t be hurt and shocked to discover you are regarded as a 2nd tier friend at best?
Showing or forcing yourself to feel gratitude when someone hurts you and pointedly excludes you demonstrates low self esteem imho.
As long as OP remains polite, any fall out from all this rests at the Birthday woman’s feet.

You’ve said you’re not that close so don’t be so offended and be thankful you’re invited to part of it. Maybe she doesn’t see the group in the same way as you and it’s her birthday, not yours. If you decline the invitation it’ll probably start a lengthy rift and then group will never be the same again - well, probably you not being invited to events in the future. If she needs numbers low then she’s going to not invite those who she isn’t so close to. Go to the Saturday and try and enjoy it rather than fester in resentment.

or how about sit down and tell her how you feel?

The OP says ( in her post at 11.19 yesterday) the birthday girl says that about herself @Mumtobabyhavoc

OP I am so sorry. It is tough and hurtful to discover a friendship is not as strongly reciprocated or valued. In your shoes, I would be hurt.
And this must make you question your place in the friendship group too. I hope the other ladies reach out to you and don’t condone this singling out by keeping quiet.
I realise it’s this woman’s party and she decides the guest list. But surely she is aware enough to understand the impact on you and your friendship group of her actions. There will be some who will try and find a reasonable explanation for this pointed exclusion. You know the dynamics of the group so whatever your gut tells you, trust it.
I have gone through something similar recently and it made me realise I had an acquaintance rather than a friend as previously believed. I chose to take a step back.
I hope you feel better soon. Be kind to yourself. And please remember you are not responsible for making someone feel better who has hurt you through their sh@tty behaviour once the consequences come to light.

"and has said at times she thinks she might be a bit autistic"

and who says that???

Says she a bit autistic does she, but managing a weekend of celebrations? blunt?

I'd be responding to her in this style then.

"Yes I do mind, pick up your own cake"

Simply put you need to decide if you are happy to be a tier 2 friend or not.
After previously 'managing ' a friend's dd's party the previous year me and my dd's were downgraded to calling for a coffee after the following year's party I bowed out of our friendship altogether..

I have a friendship group of 6 as well, sounds very similar re the birthdays, weekends away etc. I am naturally closer to certain people and smaller groups will meet up etc but this would just never happen, excluding one person like this is horrible. I would feel embarrassed and wouldn’t want to go at all.

This is what I'm thinking. Someone has to stay behind to collect the cake and you've been designated. Are you the one least likely to object? If I was in a group of six friends and one of them was being left out, I would take a stand. It's hurtful. I couldn't do that to a friend. Whether you stay or you go, I think this friendship group has changed irrevocably for you.

I'm trying to keep numbers down? 🤔

I think I'd be rather taken aback being told not to come along to the quieter and more intimate pre-party for, obviously, the close friends, from someone who came to my hen and wedding.
Finding out you're a 2nd tier friend this way is hurtful. No, don't bring the cake. Surely that's a job that a really close friend should be tasked with? Reply to that ask with, Sorry, swamped with organizing for camping and car won't have space so can't manage it. Then ignore any further messages. Show up and have a great time acting as if nothing is wrong and socialize with other guests then step back from this group and start making other nicer and more inclusive friends.

This is nothing to do with the waxing and waning of friendship and everything to do with the downright mean spiritedness of excluding one person out of an established six person group. It is less about how close you are compared to others and more about how willing she was to treat you in a way that any normal person would find very hurtful.

Friendships do wax and wane. People get busy, plans fall through, everyone says "we must catch up soon," and then suddenly it's been eight months and you're both wondering where the year went. That's just life.

This isn't that.

The OP hasn't been quietly forgotten because everyone's schedules got hectic. She has been specifically told not to come to an event that every other member of the friendship group is attending.

That's not a friendship naturally fading, it's a deliberate act of exclusion. Let's not pretend otherwise.

And then comes the absolute masterstroke: "Since you're not coming on Friday anyway, could you pick up the cake?"
I mean... bravo. Exclude someone, then ask them to do the party admin. That's some Olympic-level entitlement. Apparently the guest list is exclusive, but the errands are all-inclusive- funny that!

Calling this a friendship "waning" is like calling the Titanic a minor boating inconvenience.

Could it be that your kids are a bit wild and it’s not you she has a problem with?

Nope, I wouldn't be going if I were you. Sod the lot of them!

If I was feeling really petty, I would let them believe I was coming and bringing the cake, with absolutely no intention of doing either 🤭

She's trying to keep numbers low by leaving off one person? Normally, I recommend a direct route but I'm not sure there's any point. I wouldn't be impacting my friendship with the rest of the group so maybe just accept she doesn't consider you part of her inner circle and focus on the other friends. Stop inviting her to your birthdays.

OP I just wouldn't go.
I found out years ago that my 'friends' met each month for a supper. DH and I weren't invited.

I never found out the reason and years later I don't particularly care. There was a pecking order (one woman was queen bee) and I suspect she was pulled up by a completely different friend who had heard her gossiping about me.
I would have been about 50 at the time too so you'd think they would have grown up by then. Obviously not!
Save your heart and your money. I've made half a dozen new friends in my fifties some off Mumsnet.

Don't get a card or gift either.
I'm surprised no one else in the group has said anything. Are they aware? I'd be upset too 😞
What a childish thing to do 😤

I think this kind of thing absolutely stinks. It's usually about money and some sort of rank order.
Either you are my friend or you aren't.
Of course you are hurt.

Oh god, do not write this! How awful to involve everyone in your drama. Blergh.

OP, I don't blame you one bit for feeling hurt. That is really poor behaviour on the part of your so-called friend.

I don't think there are any right or wrong answers in this scenario. The majority of posters are urging you not to attend the party on Saturday, and that would be a fair call if you don't feel up to it.

But equally, if you think you'd still genuinely enjoy the Saturday event and would have a good time partying with the rest of the guests, it's perfectly ok to go along! However, if you choose this option, I'd just add the following caveats:

• Going forward, I'd match her energy. She's sent you a clear message that she sees you as a friend, but not a particularly close friend. I'd respond in kind. I'd only take a small, inexpensive gift to the party (or even just a card). I certainly wouldn't be going out to my way to do her any favours, which brings me to my next point...

• The cake. I would not be fetching her birthday cake for her. I'd be tempted to reply to the mutual friend who asked you to bring the cake with something like: "Hi friend, not sure if you're aware of this, but the only reason I was free on Saturday is because [Birthday Friend] hasn't invited me to the Friday night celebrations. I understand I'm the only one from our group in this position, which has been a bit puzzling for me. As it turns out, I've now made other plans for Saturday during the day and won't be available to pick up the cake."

Also, is there a particular member of this group who is really nice, or whom you're especially close to? I'd be tempted to have a chat with them afterwards, and quietly let them know what's happened and how you feel. It could be that there is some bigger picture going on with the birthday friend, that you haven't been privy to. Or at the very least, it'll put the group on notice that you were excluded. (I say this, because the birthday friend may well have told the rest that you "couldn't make it on Friday night", etc).

It’s actually shit and I would t be able to not say something to a friend. You are a group of 6, and only 1 woman- you. Is not invited to the more intimate do on the Friday- and to add to that you are asked to bring the cake?! I wouldn’t be able to attend without asking why, and I’m not sure I would attend at all. Everyone is entitled to invite whoever they want. But I would feel hurt and want to ask why for the sake of the friendship.