To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

”I’m not looking to cause a row or upset anyone but I’m feeling very hurt to be the only one in the group not invited on Friday. I hope you all have a lovely time but i would find it too difficult to attend on Saturday and paste on a smile. Truthfully I don’t understand why i have been singled out and it’s upsetting .”

seen from my POV, if they know that the BB has cut the OP out of friday evening, the friendship is over already.....and not by anything that she has done. If the others don't know, or have been told a lie, then they need to find out and decide what their reaction will be. As I said, I need a level of trust with my friends.

@godmum56 Why would she lose them over this unless she tells them all that she's upset? Just say nothing. Or invent a good excuse not to attend if that's easier for her, grandparents having a family get-together, for example.

I know I'm biased, because I hate camping and would invent an excuse regardless :-).

and you'd put that over an adult friend? I mean the OP hasn't suddenly acquired a male child and childcare issues because she is bereaved?

What have the other 4 members of the group said about it?

If you don’t feeling comfortable asking or they haven’t even acknowledged that you might feel a bit left out then your friendships probably aren’t as close as you think they are.

How old are your/their kids? I can imagine as a tween/teen begging my parents not to invite a friend with the boy who would ruin it for me and the other girls by annoying us.

This.

it won't be up to her to decide whether she has lost these friends or not (sorry) they are either under the sway of birthday bitch or not.

Oh, fuck THAT!

Absolutely do not go to the Saturday night. What an awful human being to invite the rest of your friendship group on the Friday but not you!

I don't know. When I look back at my wedding I made some pretty mad decisions about the guestlist which I am grateful to have been given grace for! If you can, I'd let it roll off you, go to the party on Saturday with the cake and a big smile, your shoulders back and forgive her for being a dick as her birthday present.

@Namechangewegovyjune26 I agree that the OP shouldn't lose the friendship group over this.

Personally, I wouldn't go and just say that I can't make it that weekend. Whatever the OP decides, she should keep it simple and not involve the entire group through texts expressing her hurt, etc. Or she'll go and play nice as you suggest.

Afterwards carry on as normal but be aware that this person regards you as a second-tier friend so don't go out of your way for them.

Best reply ever.

I think you should play the long game on this to avoid losing any friendships.

Go to the Saturday and play nice.

In the background start withdrawing a bit and find some way to plan an event without this one because of “cost” etc.

in the face of a text from BB?

The birthday girl could also make OP out to be the bad guy if she expresses her hurt or throws a last minute sickie. In fact, if OP does anything other than suck it up, bring the cake and plaster on a smile all evening, the birthday girl may make her out to be the bad guy.

That’s why I would drop the rope and politely step away. I can’t control what other people think or say about me, but I can stop caring about it and I can stop playing their game.

Having read your update about your kid's Dad passing away... I do think that "friends" who clearly know this history could have been kinder, whatever justification they are putting forward for leaving one person out and inviting the rest.

The others would already know.

It doesn't make sense does it?

If it was to do with Op's husband/son then you would have expected birthday bitch to say that?

If she's anxious/nervous about a big party-don't have one!

well she has the text that BB sent and can share it if its necessary.

I'd shorten that and cut out the "feeling hurt" BB WANTS her to feel hurt.
I'd just say "I can't bring the cake as I won't be there. BB told me that I wasn't invited on the friday to keep the numbers down so have made other plans for the weekend."
No vulnerability, no neediness. No fucks given.

I don't agree many people are not diagnosed but know they have traits and their families and friends can see it.

I wouldn't attend, not giving up my weekend for someone who isn't fussy about me.

I was thinking of the sabotaging the cake suggestions also revelatory messages on the group chat. It someone's birthday others will generally fall in to support the event and arent necessarily thinking it's their issue- whether or not that's right.
The issue is with the Birthday woman. But even she can misrepresent a conversation which would portray you in a bad light. . So I'm just saying keep dignified and watch how you do whatever it is. .

What you don't do is drop one person out of six "to keep the numbers down" If there are six of you and sometimes only two or three do something together, then that's not a problem. Excluding one is just plain nasty. It seems as though at least one other of the group knows that the OP won't be there until saturday as that's why she was asked to brink the cake but to be fair, they may not know that she hadn't been asked for the friday. I don't think that being calmly open with the group about the situation is overrreacting. I mean either they all know and are ok about it or cowed by birthday bitch or they don't know and I'd judge them by how they react.
My feeling is that to call someone a friend, I need a certain amount of trust in them. My trust in birthday bitch would be long gone, the others? Well I'd have to see.
I have met people who need a victim (have been the victim) and wonder if that could be what is behind the birthday bitch behaviour. maybe her previous victim, who wasn't in this friendship group, has somehow sopped being of use and she needs a new one. Its pretty classic behaviour....small tight group, always lovely to them all except one gets singled out to test the waters....will the victim knuckle down? will the rest of the group go along with the ploy?

'So I'm not good enough to be invited but I am good enough to run round after you, doing errands? Fuck off.'