To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

She is a cheeky cunt!! As if she asked you to bring the cake on the Saturday!!! You sound like a nice person OP.. don't let this woman walk all over you!

Fucking hell this is horrible.

Don’t go at all. And definitely don’t be doing them any fucking favours!

How mean given your loss. I know you have remarried but that's not the point, party girl seem to have no sensitivity.

I would reply...
"I have just realised that I am the only one of our 6 excluded on Friday night and I have no idea why. Given I find it really quite hurtful, I think it best that I give the weekend a miss. I'm sure you will have a lovely time. All the best..."

It's rude and hurtful. Honestly, I'd cut them all off and get some new friends. I think the others are weak for not standing up for you. You dont needvpll like that. It's very ' playground' isnt it.

When she asked if you mind, what did you say? Please
tell me you said you do mind

That's just a plain no from me and if I had been thinking of going I wouldn't be now.

And I'd tell her why.

I wouldn’t be doing this - just makes you look like a drama queen.

OP you could tell her you’re not coming on the Saturday but do you like the others? Would you be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you didn’t go? Would you and the DC enjoy the outing on the Saturday? If so, I’d still go and enjoy myself. And then distance myself from birthday friend in the future, or if you feel it’s worth the effort, contact her after the party’s over after a few days and explain you were hurt.

YANBU to be upset. I'd collect the cake and still go but then maybe focus on the people in the group you're the closest to and see them separately in the future.

That was thoughtless and mean of her

And in any case, what sort of diva has 2 birthday parties on both Friday and again on Saturday

Are you sure OP that the group of 6 is as set as you think? I know this isn’t a nice thought but is it possible the others actually see each other a fair bit more?

I have a group a bit like this - there’s 7 of us and 2 of us (me and another) are included for the weekend away and big dos but I’m pretty sure the others meet up a fair in between and we 2 don’t. I don’t really mind as have other mates and the others have more shared history. There’s the odd occasion where it stings though.

Good one

I’m sure the party planning is stressful, but essentially telling you that you’re the only second-tier friend of the group is mean and I’d be feeling hurt if it were me.

Yes, I would be hurt if you are a group of six and the other five are going on the Friday night

agree about relying to say you’ll help keep the numbers low the whole weekend and declining the invite.

1 out of a group of 6 being excluded is horrible.

id also make sure the whole group knew. So id be posting on the group “Im sure you’re aware Sally has asked me not to attend the Friday night to “help keep numbers low”. So I’ve decided I’m not attending all weekend to help her keep numbers low and because to me this is not how a friendship group of 6 operates - by excluding 1. I wish the rest of you a pleasant weekend.

If I was 1 of the other people I’d be boycotting out of respect for you. I hope your friendship group works the same way.

Cringe.

What a horrible person she is very cruel.
Don't be picking up the cake.

Not read whole thread but I’m a bit 🙄 at this lady saying she might be autistic. Is that just her making an excuse for her behaviour?

Oh wow, that must have been so tough. All I would say is do what you think you make a feel a little better, not the thing that will just make you more miserable and potentially bitter. I really hope this is all a mistake or that it turns out other people are also uninvited.

I would just bow out of the weekend and do something fun with your children ... late in the day. Let them sort the cake as they all seem to know you're not coming Friday ... suppose the only question there is, do they think it's your decision to not come Friday or the host's?

Oh, I'd definitely try stuffing that cake up her a-hole.
With a sharp stick procured from the garden.

Whatever else, OP, I agree you should not do her a favour unless you can establish that there is an innocent misunderstanding behind this. Which she could then correct, so you would not be available for errands.

Grasping at straws: I am not clear who is going on the Friday. If families, is it possible that there are dynamics between the DC you are unaware of, making things simpler without yours? (Not a question of right and wrong, not necessarily justifiable, merely simpler?)

If women only, could she be unaware that you can make childcare plans in the absence of DH? You implied otherwise, but are you sure?

If these ‘reasons’ do not hold I love the response suggested by @Shedmistress . However if you are particularly close to someone in the group, getting their view of the situation first might be helpful.

Not a chance I'd be doing this!

Just how dismissive does she want to be?

I suspect that the Friday plan involves the fathers dealing with childcare on their own. She perhaps doesn’t want a situation where your DCs are tagging along with you/the women, changing the dynamic.

If I’m right, it’s a shame she couldn’t have been upfront because you could have left your DCs out of Friday’s arrangement or asked one of the dads to keep an eye on them.

edited to add that I posted this before seeing your comment about your children’s dad. I’m very sorry for their loss and yours.

I was thinking this too - real mean girl stuff and surely people should have grown out of this stuff by age 50, or even have enough life experience to understand that this kind of behaviour isn’t on.