To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

OP has said:

'And I had a hen party of about 10 friends last month, and she came to that as well as to my wedding.'

That sounds like close friends to me. Also, OP's first husband, the father of her children, has died. OP has also said:

'And it’s also been a really hard road for my kids as their Dad died. So I’d appreciate them being included in the same way as others.'

So it sounds like OP has been through a very hard time and being the only one in their group of six being left out is very upsetting for her.

I agree with this tbh

Whilst it is tempting to decline the whole thing and/or say something, it may be interpreted as you choosing to leave the group. So decide if that’s what you want.

As for the cake - maybe develop some other plans during Fri and Sat daytime which you’ll be coming directly from and therefore can’t bring the cake. Possibly this will happen fairly last minute so she has to scrabble for another cake solution 😈

Getting way too invested in this but I wonder if birthday friend might have said to the others that you can't make it or something. Just because they all know you're not going, doesn't mean they all know you had been excluded from the invitation. Playground politics though, best not to overthink it.

She has sent you the text telling you you are not invited to the whole event and before getting a reply other “friends” in the group know about this and are asking you to do event errands they can’t as they are too busy enjoying the event……

fuck that

If they were my “friends” I would be having very honest words with them.

I actually think that is the most awful thing I have heard and would make me think of binning everyone

The others in the group are quite happy you aren’t included on Friday as you are a convenience to be used

No way would I not be invited on the Friday and then take the cake to them on the Saturday.

Let them get their own cake.

As for only some of each group being invited. If that is the case then there is going to be several noses pushed out of joint and this 50th will mark the end of several friendships and friendship groups

I can't believe they have asked you to pick the cake up. They are being massively insensitive, don't let them take the piss out of you.
I would probably just say something has come up and you can no longer attend but you hope they have a great time.

This would hurt and I would feel awkward going and pretending everything was fine. I would reply honestly:

That was a tough message to get. I have thought it through and I would feel awkward going just one night when the rest of the group is invited to the three nights. The hurt is my issue and I don’t want it to impact on your celebrations; so I think under the circumstances I will sit this one out. Have a fabulous weekend x

then I would back away from the friendship - it’s not what you thought it was.

What you do depends on the outcome you want.

If you value the friendship group as a whole, I would be inclined to say go (but I would be very tempted to find a reason not to be able to collect the cake, incredibly cheeky of the host to request that after saying you didn't make the cut for the first night).

If you want your upset to be known, then of course you can decline and be as honest as you feel, but be prepared for this to change your dynamic not only with this woman but the dynamic of the group more generally. Which is of course, entirely unfair, but inevitable.

Now that is really cf behaviour. I absolutely would not pick up the cake. This would annoy me even more than not being invited to the Friday. And I certainly wouldnt ask for an explanation as to why I wasn't invited on Friday.

I wouldn't personally do this. OP has already said she's less close to this woman than other members of the group. The reasons are clear: they don't particualrly like one another. although showing this feeling in such pointed terms as this when you're in a close-knit group is very poor behaviour.

Also, in circumstances where people try to find out if a problem exists they often couch it in terms of 'Have I done something wrong'. This is back-to-front - and also gives the other person ammunition. Don't do that.

'Friend' is the one doing the excluding, ergo she has the problem. Don't pick up others' baggage for them and make a them problem into a you problem. 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is, granted, a non-apology but it's the only one possible in the circumstances. If she's taken offence at something, as my wise old granny used to say 'she will just have to get happy again!'

Or not. Either way, that isn't OP's problem.

With the Dads present.

I think this is great, if you do want to decline the Sat now.

Not on Mn. They’re all about sending passive aggressive texts about sparing the host the bother of accommodating her on Saturday too, and posting it all on the main friend group WhatsApp to try to get the others to show loyalty by boycotting the whole event.

I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group.

Well, that's it then, why are you bothered?

Having said that, I have a group of five friends and can't imagine missing one out. But we are all equally close.

Honestly, if I was you I wouldn't be going. If you've been singled out as a lesser friend with a lesser role in the activities, why on earth would you want to be there and everyone also see that.
Nope

That's just not on, I wouldn't go either. And they can sort the bloody cake out themselves.

That is a real dick move on her part. I couldn’t help think less of her now and lose interest in her friendship. Tricky bit of course if the friendship group.

I would either reply with ‘Ouch! Who else is just invited for Saturday?’ Or ‘oh, ok, I think I will leave it then. Hope you all have fun!’ Depending on whether I still wanted to go or not.

This is the best advice. If she doesn't already know she is being hurtful by excluding her from the whole weekend then pointing out is just giving the OP more opportunity to get hurt.

Awkwardity is the best option, and you can explain that to other people to without sounding... diminished. Protect your peace first and worry about everyone else second.

Depends on how annoyed I felt. If I felt really snubbed then I wouldn't go at all. But there are other folk only going on Saturday so it's not just you.

They’ve all got daughters. The girls want a night together.

you’re not as close with this woman as your other friends are.

#molehill

This, you’ll be grateful in the long run I think.

And this is a 50-year-old? Just goes to show that some people never grow up.

I'd be inclined to respond along the lines that I'm afraid I have other plans. But thanks for thinking of me.

I'd also be inclined to pursue friendships on a more individual basis in future. I really can't abide these dynamics and find they are best avoided.

You do have 2 perfectly reasonable choices -
1 Go and enjoy it with your kids. Review the friendship at a later point. 2. Decline (illness whatever) and do something else with your kids. Review the friendship at a later point.

Either is perfectly valid. Do what works for you. Sort out the other stuff later.

It will be worth you considering whether you are putting in more effort than what you get back. Friendships come in all shapes but they shouldn’t make you feel insecure or lesser. But you don’t have to work through it immediately. Prioritise what you need.

I think teenage insecurities are more aligned to accepting this type of shit treatment.

The mature thing to do would be to ring her and find out what her worries are and if they can be overcome.