I'm speechless ... my jaw actually dropped when you said they offered you a 'spare bed' 10 years later for her 50th after that awful behaviour on her part.

Yep - I just have zero tolerance for this shitty behaviour. Not worth it.

I really agree with this OP. You know a few reasons why she might have done it this way, all the 5’s kids are girls, the dads will be there for Friday etc. And you think organising the thing is probably very tough for her.

It gets harder to keep friends as we get older. Just hold your head high and enjoy the event.

I would still go on the Saturday night - why should you slink away because she doesn't value you? I'm not sure how I would respond to her text tbh - maybe "well I'm not going to pretend it doesn't sting a bit but of course I will be there on the Saturday night - I'm looking forward to it". That lets her know you're not going to make a big fuss but you're also not going to let her dent your self esteem.

To be honest, these extended birthdays/hen week-ends etc are tiresome. A part of me would be hurt by this but another part would be thinking thank god I haven't got two nights of this.

That's a factor

And she's got some nerve asking you to pick up the cake. Bloody hell.

But then I'm autistic so maybe my way of not playing games and being passive aggressive is pathologically wrong :/

That’s a brazen and pointed snub and I’d be hurt by that. I wouldn’t go to either night and would be rethinking my ‘membership’ of this friendship gang that is so up itself it has a strong identity. I’m in my fifties and this kind of group seems a bit childish, at best.

But that's just playing games. The 'friend' is playing games and the OP should just tell the truth about her feelings. Otherwise it's just a big mess. And the others in the group should also know the truth so there are no misunderstandings. The 'friend' might try to make out that the OP didn't want to go.

That request would have been met by me with one of two answers:

• 'Rub it in, why don't you!'
• 'Is that why I'm not invited for Friday, because I'm the Errand Girl?'

I know this request was made by "One of the other Friday nighters" and not the birthday girl, but it would have originated from her.

I find myself wondering where the other four stand in all this (six friends - you, birthday girl and four others). At least one of them knows you are not invited for Friday - do they all know? What do they think of that? Have none of them been in touch privately?

No, that request just changes the whole thing, doesn't it? Good enough for Saturday but not Friday. Good enough to run errands but not good enough to treat with a modicum of respect.

I would gracefully bow out of the whole shebang. Or possibly ungracefully. But this whole thing would leave a very sour taste and change how I view these five women. The dynamic has now shifted, and by their hands.

I love this!

I was once on the 'included' side when a 'friend' unnecessarily left two other friends out (I believe as a kind of power play). It told me all I needed to know about the excluder and we are no longer in touch (there were weird things too). OP you may find the others feel similarly.

This. I wouldn't go at all.

It literally says it in the OP - the reason given is to "keep the numbers down"

Could the Saturday thing be entirely about the cake?
I mean - did she realise too late that Friday plan meant everyone who might help would be away and couldn't pick up.the cake?
Is the cake shop nearest to you by any chance?
What would the plan be if you didn't pick up the cake?

Is there a list of tasks for the friends re preparations and have they bagged jobs?

Might explain why they are silent?
Maybe I'm overthinking.

HRTFT but @ArcanaQueen have you considered asking her why?

Agreed only the glamping might not actually be fun imho especially if its in a heatwave orif it pours down. One night would be easily be enough for me but that’s not the point

Thanks for the invite for Saturday but it's not worth the hassle for just one night so I will leave it this time. Have fun.

This keeps things open if you wish to continue with this friendship group. Although I doubt you will feel the same about them from now on.

Then to cake requester - I now have other plans. I cannot collect your cake. (No sorry, apologies. Cf should not have asked in the first place).

And if possible do something nice with your dc.

I’d be curious as to what the other four friends think about you being left out

Damn this is a good response

I'm sorry, OP, this must be really hurtful.

I had a comparable situation, and the friendship never recovered. We were invited to the 40th birthday celebration of an old uni friend of mine in a huge, posh Airbnb in a remote location, which was a struggle to attend but I left our 2 unruly toddlers at home with DH and drove the 4 hours with my newborn who I knew wouldn't cause any hassle.Took lots of food and drinks as requested, and obviously a nice present for the birthday girl, went to the slightly eccentric pot-luck dinner, and stayed up as late as I could manage for drinks and games in my baby-addled state. The next day I got up early and helped out with tidying up and preparing breakfast for the party household. It was a relaxed, slightly chaotic all-hands-on-deck vibe.

Then, as I was preparing to leave, the A list guests began to arrive, in elaborate fancy dress. The real party, with posh catered dinner, sound system and DJ, was that night and the B list guests were being chucked out to make room for more interesting/highly valued friends.

The sad irony is that I wouldn't even have minded if she had explained the plan in advance, E.g "look Sunshine, we are doing this over 2 nights and the Saturday might be a bit full on for people with small kids - would you be happy just to come to the chilled out part on the Friday?" but I felt I had been misled and the whole thing showed that she wasn't as good a friend as I had thought - or at least, I was not as important to her as she had been to me.

There was an "honesty box" complete with card reader positioned at the front door, with a retrospective request for contributions to costs, but I declined. The implication that it would be somehow dishonest of me not to pay was almost more offensive than the B list thing! The whole experience left a sour taste and fundamentally changed how I saw my old friend. *

In your shoes I would decline the Saturday invitation - no need for drama or confrontation, just a "something's come up". The party will be tainted by the way your friend has treated you, and being expected to fetch and carry would really rankle with me.

*Postscript: exactly 10 years later, I get a message from her partner "We have a few spare beds left for X's 50th in Another Remote Location this weekend- do you guys want to come?"

Um...

You are quite scathing and superior when talking about OP. You have used the fact that OP invited 10 friends to her hen do which included all the women in this friendship group to indicate that OP doesn't have many close friends and should be grateful to even be invited to part of this woman's 50th celebrations.

As this was OP's second marriage after the death of her first husband, I would assume a big raucous hen-do would be misplaced and a bit tacky. I bet that if OP hadn't invited this woman to the hen-do or the wedding but invited all the others, this woman would have been very upset and offended.

Telling OP that she is a second-tier friend, unlike all the first-tier friends in this friendship group is a pretty horrible thing to say to OP who is quite upset.

Blimey.

How horrible for your DC, to have to experience being uninvited to half the event, knowing all the other kids were there having fun the night before and Saturday morning whilst they're only invited to the second half of the celebrations.

This is a touch dramatic.

😂me all the time!
I live in the land of patisseries and macarons and I don't like any of the cakes, all I want is a Victoria sponge with buttercream and jam!