To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

As she's asked you whether you mind only going on Saturday, I would be tempted to answer that entirely honestly along the lines of "Well yes, actually, I do mind. It's a bit blatant that I am the only one of our friendship group excluded on Friday, and for you to do this such a short time after taking part in my hen do and wedding feels like a bit of a slap in the face. If that's not what you intended, do feel free to explain".

How close is your friendship? If I was a close friend I would message and say - totally understand trying to keep numbers down but TBH it feels hurtful that all the others from friendship group will be there on Friday and I'm not invited. I don't want to cause you a headache but I felt a bit blindsided by your text. I hope you have a lovely party.

Then the ball would be in her court to phone and say so sorry, come both days, or so sorry and explain in more detail. Or ignore or obfuscate. If she did the latter I would not go and see thw friendship as at an end, though would still meet with the group and be pleasant.

So either the host is embarrassed to ask or has delegated tasks and the other person either doesn't realise you are not invited or thinks you would be ok with it or doesn't care.

Are your kids teenagers? Do parents feel they all require more supervision if there is a boy there? In other words- a group of girls can be with themselves / go for a walk/ light on supervision a mixed group not so? I know that's full of assumptions but people might think like that.

That's a good point. That way is assertive but you still get the party. No need to be so absolute.

THIS

She's been part of a close friendship group of 6 who have constantly spent time and gone on holidays together over many years

I don't agree that's lesser tier.

I think this is a public show of who matters, and it's not OP. She's being put in her place in a public way. And then asking her to be the cake gofer, that's showing her her place.

I think it's rude and pretty awful and I wouldn't be a part of that and the friendships would be over.

You’ve only been invited to the Saturday. And you’re asked to run errands too and pick up the cake?

Don’t be silly. You can’t be treated like this.

Even if she is autistic this rudeness is inexcusable.

Just make your excuses and fade away from this group.

And you think they haven't communicated?

I’d just say, oh there was actually something else we wanted to go to that weekend but we put it off because of your special celebration. But as you aren’t too bothered about us being there we will go with our original plans.

And pick up your own fucking cake.

How did you find out about the Friday night thing?

I would be really hurt by this.

Sorry, X, I have just found out that all of our friend group have been invited to spend Friday night celebrating with you except me, yet I’ve been asked to bring the cake on my way on the Saturday! I feel rather hurt that you’ve invited 5/6 of us to be honest. I will give the Saturday a miss, I hope you have fun.

The absolute cheek.

No, the OP was asked by one of the others to pick up the cake. Not the host of the party.

She has done this purely so you can collect the cake on the Friday.

The OP chose to invite her to her hen and wedding, though. That speaks about how she views the other woman, and/or or suggests that the group plays a much more central part in her social life than it does in the birthday friends. It doesn’t magically move her ahead of other people the birthday person would prefer to invite for the Friday. It is an ordinary, if uncomfortable fact of life that feelings are not always reciprocated to the same degree. We’ve all fancied someone who didn’t fancy us back, or asked someone for coffee who said no. We all have a friendship or two where we know it’s a much bigger deal for them than for us. The birthday woman likes the OP enough to invite her to the main party, but there are people she’d prefer to have there for the smaller gathering the night before.

I would text her to the effect that you wont be attending at all and then block her. I wouldnt put up with being treated like that. Stuff her. Life is too short to put up with petty bitches like her

I would turn down the invite.

OP I would be suddenly unavailable. And there’s nothing to lose now by being honest with the ‘friend’ as the whole group is now tainted. “Actually Susan on second thoughts, I am going to bow out of the whole thing. Feeling pretty embarrassed about being the only one of the 6 of us to not be coming to both nights so will organise something else for me and the kids to do. Hope you have a nice time and managed to organise getting the cake”.

I think this is wise advice

MN is full of keyboard warriors encouraging folk to cut off their friends. Also, full of people who struggle with friendships / have few friends. Go figure

IRL, most of us have been in your shoes. It's upsetting to realise we regard someone as a v close friend and they don't view the friendship quite the same. I've had this a few times eg not asked ho be bridesmaid, not in a group of 6 permitted by Covid etc

My advice is (1) don't burn your bridges (2) stay friends but recalibrate a bit in your own head (3) match their energy and (4) enjoy the friendship for what it is, not what you'd like it to be

Yes its fine to have friends who are part of an extended group and you wouldnt possibly spend time one-to-one but there are only 6 in this group, all the others are going and she came to the OPs small hen and wedding not that long ago!! Even common decency would dictate not leaving her out!!

I’d be hurt too…….and I’d be very unavailable for the Saturday night actually!

I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t explain just send a short message and not discuss it. People will try and twist it as you are being unreasonable.
Excluding one person from an established group isn’t keeping numbers down at all. Even with your DH/children it’s not making a massive difference overall. If 4 other friends, children, partners, other people and their families are coming, you aren’t making a huge difference. Instead you’ve been singled out.

There’s nothing wrong with considering someone a lesser friend, though. We all have them. People we only see because we have friends in common, or who are perfectly fine in collective situations but sh we’d never both seeing one on one. . It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them, just that we prefer other people. The OP knew this woman didn’t consider her a close friend.

If only being invited to one night of a two-night weekend party takes away the OP’s ‘dignity’ and ‘self/esteem’, then she has more issues than her social life. And ‘they’ don’t view her in any way. One person in the group she’s acknowledged she’s not close to has invited her for the ‘main’ party, not the night before. There’s no evidence the rest of the group are t genuinely fond of the OP. Only on Mn, with people who have never outgrown childhood friendship insecurities, would there be a demand for those friends to boycott the entire weekend.

This would be a friendship ending deal.

No fucking way would I be bringing cake to someone who considers you a lesser friend or giving them a gift or anything at all. Just tell the person who asked you to pick up the cake you're not their gofer.

I wouldn't go at all. She's making a public point that you're less than and I wouldn't show up for that in any way. The others are going along with that.