To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

And that kind of juvenile passive aggressiveness is why some people on here associate friendship groups with ’drama’. If you have an issue with one person, sort it out with them. It doesn’t need escalating to the entire group. My friendship groups would simply accept that not everyone’s invited to everything, and not everyone’s equally close to everyone else, and that’s fine.

Good friends never leave you questioning your place in a friendship group, OP. You feel hurt, and that's something I'd address on the group chat. In fact, few people wouldn't feel hurt.... which shows your feelings are perfectly valid.

I would just say something along the lines "I'm feeling a bit unsure about my place in the group given that I'm the only one not included on the Friday evening, and as a result I think I'll give this occasion a miss while I get to grips with how this has made me feel. I do hope you all have the best time together".

none of my groups would exclude 1 person or family which is why we remain close.

Same. I cannot imagine leaving one person out of my group of friends and saying “please don’t come- oh but hey, you can pick up the cake for us on Saturday” 🙄

If that’s someone’s idea of friendship then you can keep it. Thankfully my friends are lovely and would never do something this nasty

asking you to pick up the cake is crass. I would be saying "no" to that if i were to go on the saturday

but i'm in the "be busy" on Saturday and see how the group friendship goes after that

Actually I think it’s what helps
maintain decent friendship groups.

none of my groups would exclude 1 person or family which is why we remain close.

I’ve seen it before whereby if you allow 1 person to start excluding others it sets a precedent. And personally I wouldn’t want to be in a friendship group whereby this was the status quo.

Yes, occasionally someone won’t join the group events due to clashes calendars or because they aren’t interested in the activity. But NEVER because they’ve been text personally on the side asking them to voluntarily exclude themselves. Because we arent primary school bullies playing social heirachy.

But everyone has their own boundaries with friendships.

In hindsight this feels like it might be a good suggestion.

Hi OP, I think the way you have written your original post is rather balanced.

Perhaps respond, if you haven't already, along similar lines, that this feels rather ouch, as you are a friend group of six and just you left out. But that you appreciate her numbers to be cut. Perhaps ask AI for a good response.

I imagine you are concerned how this will impact you within the friendship group too.

Re. The cake I think I would say I am not sure I can pick it up.

I'd be hurt too, can't you just ask why you're the only one out of the friend group not invited on the Friday?

The thing is though, the next big birthday or even just a birthday. Say it’s yours OP. Will you be the bigger person and invite them all along or will you not want to invite this woman along as she’s snubbed you on this day? Given you a token invite as it were.

There was a “friend” I had years ago, we all went clubbing together but she was directly very nasty to me the first time we met at a pub. God knows why. It’s strange because on a few occasions we went for girls meals out she was lovely. Anyway, she’s the first of us to get married which she does in her home country (Australia) and then she had a Hindu ceremony in London. Now I know because I was told that she didn’t want to invite me to this but she felt for the friendship group she had to invite me. Something happened between us after that which meant we never spoke again and thank god a good few years ago she moved back to Australia with her family where she’s remained ever since. I luckily don’t see that crowd now so never have to hear about her.

Is it just the five friends and their families attending or is it some other people as well?

Don't post in the group chat. You'll look unhinged and you're just basically giving them gossip for the weekend.

It does sound like she is being thoughtless and assuming arriving a day late is convenient for her because it means you can pick the cake up - but that's hardly your problem, is it?

I think you have these options available to you:

• say you can't pick the cake up but you'll join for Saturday (arrive late, leave early)
• bail altogether

Which one feels best? I would give it a few days and then make a decision. She sounds pretty selfish, though - in your shoes I'd be taking a big step back from her altogether. I'm also wondering if your very recent wedding could have caused some jealousy on her end, maybe? Did she feel that all your wedding plans, hen do, and wedding day, took the focus away from her during the run up to her big birthday?

Leaving one person out of a group is really rude. She's publicly announcing that she likes you less than the other members, even if that's true, it's really hurtful.

Honestly, in your shoes I'd turn down the invitation. I'd possibly mention how hurt I was to be singled out, but that depends on whether you want to risk the group dynamic going forward though.

I think I’d just not reply at all.

I also think sometimes, and in situations like this, you have to put your self respect ahead of your desire to go and keep the peace.

Its upset you - take control of the situation and take your power back. Don’t go, don’t make a scene, do something nice, move on from it l, reflect on the friendships - I’d feel worse if I went as it’s giving her the power. Could you see another friend and do something with them instead?

You deserve nice people in your life not twats that exclude you 💐

It's her birthday so she can invite who she wants

@ArcanaQueen

You are hurt by this lack of caring and you have EVERY RIGHT to feel this way.

You will feel strange, as will your children, since the rest of that group already has had 24 hours together and shared experiences.

If it was me, I would not want to implode the group unless I was tired of it all, and I don't think you are. What I would do is make plans to do something fun and cool with your children that Friday and Saturday (a hotel with a pool or anything as long as it's away from home). Then just tell your "not very close friend who seems to like being close when it suits HER", that you are sorry but this opportunity came up to do something with your children on Friday and Saturday and you don't want to miss it. Wish her well and a happy birthday and then go have fun with the people who make your life happy.

If you want to be mean, you can always buy her a book on "how to treat friends well" as a BD gift (though that would go with imploding the friend group). If you want to be nice, pick her up something inexpensive or regift something you have stuck in your closet. Spend the money on your kids, they deserve it more.

"Sorry I am now unable to attend on Saturday" is all you need to say. The cake can be someone else's problem.

This is really horrible. I have realised at 53 that I am not willing to put up with this kind of shit anymore at all. My choice is often to put my energy either into existing friendships where I feel safe and wanted or put my energy into finding new people and experiences.

In your position, I would just not go and not make a big deal about it but quietly - with your self respect in tact- remember that you deserve lovely people in your life. Give it some space - say you are ill or something - do something nice.

You don’t need to blow up the friendships but just quietly don’t go and move on and decide how you want to interact with them
going forward. I have NO time for people that leave people out!

She may as well had just not bothered about the Friday and said everyone to come for Saturday, that would have been fairer.

I would not bother going on the Saturday night, and there would be no chance that I would pick up the cake either! Do something fun with your Children instead.

I’d post something along these lines in the group chat, “Thanks for the invite to the Saturday party. As you said you are worried about the numbers, to help I will not be attending. Have fun.”

She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday.

I'm curious about the exact wording of the text. "Do I mind" suggests she knew this night be badly received. And did she elaborate on why she is trying to keep numbers low?

I find it hard to imagine the message being quite as blunt as "do you mind just coming on Saturday because I'm trying to keep numbers low for Friday?" but maybe I'm wrong!

And this kind of juvenile insecurity is why so many Mners are friendless. They're not a 'close group of 6' -- the OP herself acknowledges she's not close to the woman having the birthday, so, like many friendship groups, they're a bunch of people some of whom are close to one another, some of whom are not. The OP happens not to be close to the woman having the birthday. Who has still invited her to her main party, but wants to restrict numbers for some reason the night before hence hasn't invited the OP to that part.

Yes, the OP matters less to her than the other group members. There's nothing particularly wrong with that. We all have various tiers of friends of differing levels of closeness. Why is it that so many Mners struggle with recognising that they're not equally important to all their friends/acquaintances? It's an entirely ordinary fact of life. She's still invited to the main party.

Ugh they can get someone else to do their donkey work as cake courier. How disrespectful to uninvite you from Friday night but then still expect you to fetch and carry her cake and have to pay for camping on Saturday. I would definitely not be attending.

So the birthday woman and one other know you’re not invited until Saturday - do the others know? Or are they assuming all are invited?

Is the camping place far? Could you go for an hour? Or not worth it?

Have you been excluded because you’re reliable and will fetch the cake without making a fuss? It might be to do with your DH not being there, who knows? Do the other DHs like him? Is there a feeling that he’s a newcomer, were they close to your first husband? (Very sorry to hear that he died)

My first instinct would be to not attend, but I’m rather quick to feel hurt by these kind of things and maybe don’t give the most stable advice.

I think it would matter to me A LOT to find out who knows you’re not invited and what their response was. If they know and mostly are fine, fuck ‘em. If they don’t know, or did but put up a bit of a fight, then……🤷‍♀️.

So I think you need more information. Are you particularly close to one of them, or is there one who will tell you honestly what the real situation is?

I think I’d pull out of it all. Feels quite hurtful especially as they’re now using you to pick up the cake!