Feeling so let down after Father's death.

I’m really surprised by the amount of people saying this is ok. Such a lack of etiquette and thought from your friend and MIL. I would be incredibly hurt too. Tell them how you feel. As I get older, I use my voice more. Too often in life, we never communicate it to the people who hurt us and they never know a thing about it.

When I lost my mum before Christmas I did get some cards and flowers from various people. I am 60 though and having read this thread I can see that cards and some traditions are dying out amongst younger people and they might send a text instead.

What I have found odd though is no one thinks to ask about how I’m feeling or even acknowledge I lost my mum. It’s like it happened, end of to everyone else. People didn’t think to acknowledge that Christmas wouldn’t be the same for example. I accept it though and wouldn’t think badly of anyone because of it. Maybe it doesn’t occur to them or they feel awkward.

Not all of us! I do both…….and I message the bereaved from time to time endorsing support and reminding them that I do care, keeping them in my thoughts and available to help at any time they need me.

We had a few flowers at MIL's funeral - the problem became what to do with them. FIL, DH and SIL all took some each. Then what? We had to leave ours outside until they died. There is no room for them afterwards.

Your MIL sounds unthinking but it doesn't mean everyone who doesn't send flowers/a card doesn't care.

A friend of mine lost her dad and I sent her lots of messages (in conversation) etc. Now I look back and feel embarrassed I didn't send a card. It just didn't occur to me at the time.

I think that's normal... Was same when both my parents died... Grief is a personal thing...people are letting you get on with it. When my dad died I took the week off and mostly was just me and my brother and sister... I didn't get any cards or anything and I didn't need that as it was about me and my siblings... No one else. And I don't agree with wasting money on flowers so absolutely fine with no one giving them.

I think I’d give grace to the friends who texted, as at least they acknowledged it. The friend who completely ignored it has just shown you who she is. For me, that would be it. Friend no longer. And now you know you’ve got a lovely new friend.

‘A friend in need is a friend indeed.’ is a motto I find to be true.

Regarding flowers, I don’t think that’s particularly done any more, in my experience. Sorry for your loss.

Most funerals these days are family flowers only, most people put that on the notice anyway and I think the idea that anyone outside of the family contributes any flowers is not the norm anymore. Most people have a collection for a charity instead. My grandparents both died over 10 year ago and back then it was family flowers only and a collection for cancer research. Every funeral I’ve been to over the past fifteen years has been the same.

My close friend’s Dad died recently, I didn’t send a card but did have lots of WhatsApp conversations with her and went to the funeral.

I can understand your disappointment, it’s very hurtful. When my best friend’s MIL and FIL died, I sent a card, gift and attended both funerals. When my amazing MIL passed away last year, my mum, stepdad, best friend and her husband attended the funeral and were very supportive.

I specifically said no cards or flowers when ds died. We had no flowers at all at the cremation which was private.
I don't send cards to anyone, whatever the occasion.

Best friend sorry, not boyfriend.

My mum died very unexpectedly 4 years ago and my MIL and SIL completely ignored it. No acknowledgement at all, card, call or text, yet woe betide us if we didn’t send MIL an appropriate card for every occasion. I’ve never forgiven them. Just showed what nasty people they were. Sending you a hug x

It’s not reminders of death, it’s an acknowledgment. You don’t forget you’ve lost a parent just because there are flowers or cards to remind you. But visual cues do remind you that you’re not alone. People say they wouldn’t make a phone call because it’s “intrusive”. I would have loved the phone to ring! People don’t ring because they feel awkward and don’t know what to say, not because it’s intrusive.

I never felt lonelier than I did after the death of a parent. Luckily I had DH but apart from one friend nobody bothered with any support other than a short text. It really made me re-evaluate my friendships.

Many funerals I have attended in recent years have specifically asked for no flowers (other than family ones).

I think this is increasingly becoming the norm.
But I do understand why you are upset not to have heard anything from your one close friend

My parents died quite recently. I’m not sure if I can remember receiving any cards. It’s quite a dated tradition nowadays. I did get lots of texts from friends and flowers and plants. Funeral flowers are not something people do beyond the immediate family, imo. I actually think it’s quite inappropriate to arrange funeral flowers unless you’ve been asked to do so.

Is he still your bf??

I wouldnt dream of sending flowers or a card. The idea of being surrounded by reminders of a death are awful. I think unless very close, people would feel they were intruding with a a call. Texts are perfectly reasonable and polite as they let the person respond in their own time.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a condolence card in front of me, so I am one of those people who sends cards, obviously. I also messaged the intended recipient.

When my sister died I don't recall getting a single card, with my father maybe one? Not sure now.

I don't do funeral flowers and I'd rather send some happy flowers (like sunflowers) to the bereaved person. By happy I mean without funereal connotations.

But we are losing whatever funeral traditions we once had. Which is sad.

Last Christmas a workman at our house looked at the cards and said, “Christmas cards? Is that really still a thing?”
I think it’s the same with sympathy cards, becoming increasingly rare. I’d take text messages as well intentioned messages of support in modern times.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's not the norm to send cards and flowers nowadays, texting is the norm. Doing more is a charitable donation in the name of the deceased.

I am an Independent Civil Celebrant and, from experience, people don't tend to send flowers these days. There is usually a website or QR code on the back page of the Order of Service, so mourners can make a donation to charity in the deceased person's memory. Likewise with cards, it tends to be a generational thing and many people send texts or e mails to express their condolences. I am sorry you're upset by the lack of response but I hope you're coping. I am training as a Grief Counsellor, which I'm hoping will help people process their feelings. Happy to have a chat if you feel it would help 👍❤️

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mum last year, and received a single card, from my old work colleagues. Everyone else simply "said" how sorry they were, verbally, when I saw them. None of "my" friends attended the service. But my father received a lot of cards, and the service was very well attended, by the people who actually knew HER. Personally, i would be unlikely to attend a service for someone that I didn't actually know, especially if it wasn't "local" to me. Possibly if a friend specifically requested that I did, to support "them", but for the most part, I'd assume (maybe wrongly) that they'd prefer to spend the time with those who knew and mourned the loss of that person.
I don't know how you're feeling now, but for lots of reasons, I decided that counselling might help me deal with the loss of my mother, and it really did.

If it is a close friend and I am unable to attend, I text to say something like 'thinking of you today, hope all goes smoothly'. Why is that odd?

I think the family flowers only is because most people get cremated nowadays and there is no plot to put the flowers - so what do you do with them afterwards. We took ours back to the local church and left them in their garden. My uncle died 4 years ago and he was buried so all the flowers (he had a lot of siblings) were laid on his newly filled grave.

I think it’s actually horrific that your MIL and friends didn’t send cards or flowers. And your updates about MIL made me angry on your behalf.

And I'm in my 30s and still send flowers and cards for these kinds of things.

Im really sorry for your loss.

And you wouldn't be bothered if god forbid you lost a child and everyone ignored the fact ? After all it is just fuss. I think you are in for a shock one day and your words will come back to haunt you.