My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

You are very rigid with your timetable. There could be some compromises which others have suggested but you don't want to do that eg. going to the gym a couple of nights instead of the morning so you can have a lie-in with him. I can understand your reasoning for not wanting to do this and that you are a morning person. I'm a night owl like your DP and I can tell you from experience that it really doesn't work when two people are opposites when it comes to sleep. You, and others are saying that he should change and he doesn't want to compromise but the same applies to you. Neither of you are actually wrong, you just aren't compatible so I think you should split because otherwise your entire life is going to be like this....

If he calls you pathetic or disturbs you going to sleep by 11:00 pm., ask him whether he would like you to wake him every morning at 6:00 am.
You have very different sleep patterns.

Idea .. Try going to bed by 9:30 pm each week day night. This might help you stay awake until midnight on a Saturday or Sunday. And your partner could wake up at 7:00 am for two weekend day mornings so that he is more tired by nightfall and happy to go to bed at midnight on weekends.

@tiredoldthingIMHO there are two separate things going on here. A practical side with you having different sleep patterns, and a more worrying side with him not respecting you are tired and calling you pathetic (!).

On sleep patterns: do you have another bedroom? If your sleep patterns are this different, you should sleep separately. I have to with my DH. It’s so unhealthy to deal with long term sleep deprivation

It is a major red flag IMHO that he calls you pathetic for being tired. I dated someone abusive and was afraid to show I was tired because he would give me shit for it. When I started dating my DH and I explained I felt guilty because I was tired, and he said “why would you feel guilty? That’s like saying you need oxygen to breathe”. I then realised it is completely acceptable to need to sleep earlier etc

You like to seize the day and use the mornings? Great. Nothing has to be wrong with you for that and if it’s how you are, it’s how you are

Yes!! It doesnt matter how late I go to bed, I still wake up mega early. So frustrating.

On the plus side, I havent used an alarm clock since the 00s

He is being unreasonable. He can live as he wishes but to resort to name calling, ‘pathetic’, ‘boring’ ‘childish’, and sound ‘angry’ and ‘not care’ if you are tired are not the signs of a mature adult. He’s not trying to understand or discuss to find solutions but rather make you feel bad so you do what he wants. That’s the reason to end it. Sometimes things can work brilliantly between people who are really different but this needs respect, kindness and communication. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. To me the way this guy is behaving is not someone who will contribute positively to your life as he doesn’t have the skills to work through something to reach solutions. And more than that, his default mode is words that put you down.

More than anything, the fact that he isn't willing to accept your needs without criticising you and work around them is the deal breaker here imho. We have the same difference in our relationship but we accept there's a difference and work around it - it's not a bone of contention at all - sometimes we sleep in a different room so an not to disturb each others sleep late at night - sometimes sneak back into bed in the morning with a cup of tea and a hello cuddle on a non-work day. He sounds like a slacker rolling in to work half asleep while you sound driven and committed to routines that are good for you - that would cross my mind. So yes imho - this inability to make things work for both of you could be a deal breaking issue - I'm sure there are more considerate partners out there.

Not only can I not sleep in, if I try to go to sleep too late it takes me forever to get to sleep. My brain has a deeply ingrained sleep pattern. 10.30-2.30, 4-6, with minor variations within a 30 minute window! If I went to bed at 2 I wouldn't go to sleep before 4. And would wake up at 6!

That's also probably why you struggle so much with lack of sleep? I'm ND and when unmedicated I'm a teary nightmare even if I have an hour less than I need. My partner is a night owl like yours and similarly I have always needed to get up earlier, so I have always just gone to bed before he does. Is that not an option? It's easier for us because we have separate bedrooms.

Him calling you childish and pathetic are a major concern. In some ways, staying up late and lieing in can be argued to be the childish and irresponsible choice, but you're not judging him. My partner to this day cannot admit when he's tired and needs to sleep until he literally falls asleep in front of the TV. I think it's like a rebellion, trying to avoid sleep because sleep means work in the morning.

You should be with someone who cares about your needs and wants to support you when you're struggling instead of trying to make you into what they need.

Yeah, people just arent getting it are they?

I think it's because they lie in easily so they just assume everyone can. I've tried lying in multiple times and it just ends up in me feeling irritated AF because I am lying there really trying to force myself to relax when I am bloody wide awake 🤣

Sounds like you have a routine going which works for both your natural, usually inborn, sleep pattern and your own circadian rhythm. It allows you to fit in exercise and chores. He has a different body rhythm and that is okay.
Trying to live by a different rhythm doesn’t just make you tired it makes you feel ropey and, if you are a person to whom routine matters, it makes you feel out of control.
You may both be at the extremes of getting up times and could each begin to compromise a bit but it would need to be both of you. What is unacceptable is his wanting you to match him only and being rude when you don’t.

@tiredoldthing

well, maybe just dump him then? 😀

Your sleep schedule is totally normal. I’m the exact same. Set my alarm for 6 and usually wake up between 5.30 and 6. I like to sleep for around 10.30pm.

I also hate lie ins, they make me feel lazy and like I’m wasting time.

My DH is the same as yours as he also likes to stay up late and sleep in. He wouldn’t make me feel bad about my routines though, it’s very childish for him to call you pathetic when realistically the majority of adults are not regularly sleeping at 2/3am on weeknights.

Sure, but the OP isnt you either!- she said:

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

I really hate to have a lie in. I feel like I’ve wasted my day if I do.

@User18713903

i certainly don’t think she should change for a man.

I do however query what she says about waking up so early to workout means her evenings are free… they aren’t if she is so tired she could cry. She’s not be able to do and enjoy much…If she got invited out for dinner drinks whatever on an evening for example.

so my suggestion was to mix it up a bit … variety is the spice of life

She likes her routine though - she said it. She literally said her routine makes her happy.

Why should she have to change it for a man who calls her names and is rude to her? she also said she had plenty of free time in the evenings so the issue isnt free time in the evenings its that he is bullying her to go to bed late at the same time he does

@User18713903

OP is not you though. She says she sets an alarm in order to wake up so early suggesting that if she doesn’t set an alarm she might be able to wake up later in the mornings and thus have more energy in the evenings

Obviously if you get up at 5.40 you need to go to bed earlier than if you get up at 8.30.
He is very selfish (and a bit dim?) if he can’t see this. It doesn’t sound right that he called you “pathetic”.

Neither of you is wrong but these things are indicative - he doesn’t sound like he’s going anywhere much in life since people with a bit of drive who want to do well in their careers don’t go to bed in the small hours on weeknights and sleep in till 8.30.

If you have children you will be FUMING with someone this lazy and not conscientious.

This ^^. Can you see the difference? ‘No name calling as DH is not abusive or controlling’. Kick him to the kerb OP, you can do better. And your health will.

why not mix up your routine a little? Sleep in later some mornings, and go to the gym after work sometimes

I know you are trying to help OP but this is unhelpful. As someone very much like the OP with the same early body clock, saying "sleep in later" is impossible when you are an early riser.

I cant sleep in- my body wont let me, it always wakes up at about 5-5.30am. If I try to sleep in I just end up staring at the ceiling feeling frustrated and irritated. It's as pointless as saying to a night owl "just go to bed earlier!".

No dont do this
Just dump him

Ok, I think this is key, and you need to sit him down and discuss this so he is aware of it- does he not get this? It’s horrible to hear you are almost in tears about tiredness over a selfish sounding man child. And yes, I agree that, unless he can compromise, you are essentially incompatible.

What are you and he doing til 2-3 am? Assume it isn’t nightclubbing or pubbing every night! Can you not do it together earlier?

Sleep is essential for well-being and health. As a woman, especially for you OP and your endocrine health, there is lots of research about this. People who have long term sleep deprivation have poorer health outcomes and higher risk of serious disease. You need sleep to recover from the gym (and to maintain progress eg recovery for muscle building).

How old are you both? I wonder if this is for him an immaturity thing and he could either change his routine and expectation a bit for you ? If not, then you have bigger issues around lack of consideration, commitment to a relationship and basic care for the other person. Are you not concerned how it would work longer term and if you children with him, for example?

At such an early stage, it should not be this hard. I would probably look to end it, tbh. Sounds like you’d be better with another gym person, better shared values and aligned priorities (and circadian rhythms probably!)

Please dump him instead of making yourself exhausted and upset just to fit in with his thrilling lifestyle of, checks thread, sitting on the sofa watching TV...

Your routine works for you, he obviously doesn't!

@tiredoldthing

are your evenings really free though if you’re too exhausted to do anything?

why not mix up your routine a little? Sleep in later some mornings, and go to the gym after work sometimes