My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

He calls you pathetic and childish .... why are you wasting your life on him? You dont have to. Gather up your self respect and tell him to jog on.

My wife and I are similar to you and your partner - I go to the gym early every morning and have to get to work by 8 but she works from home and often doesn't have meetings until 9:30-10! We've always made it work - fortunately she doesn't mind lying in bed and scrolling and so will happily get into bed with me at 10 and stay up for hours on her phone. Sometimes she'll be out with friends and so will come home hours after I'm in bed. I know she is usually still awake at 2-3am because I work night shifts every few weeks so we text every so often until she goes to bed! She is also understanding about these because those weeks I need to sleep most of the day.

I'm sorry that your partner doesn't sound like they're being very nice to you - just because you've got different schedules doesn't give him the right to be nasty and hopefully he will see that if you can stand up to him about it! The right person will love you and want to have a happy compromise so you both get enough sleep.

I think your routine sounds great OP. I totally get how getting up early and getting active energises you for the day. That doesn’t mean you’re on the spectrum, it means you understand what your body needs and you’re responding to that.

He's a night owl, but he shouldn't expect you to be one. If you're getting up around 5.30am most mornings you're clearly an early bird. It shouldn't be a big deal, but I'd be putting my foot down if I was put under pressure to change my routine. Ask him, kindly, to adapt.

You could get the point across by waking him up at 5.40 and telling him he’s boring and childish for staying in bed…

Incompatible.
Because he's an arsehole.

How dare he call you pathetic.

Agree with this. Regardless of bedtimes etc he’s a prick, cut him loose. Any man calling me pathetic for any reason would get short shrift.

FWIW I’m the night owl in my relationship, as I work for myself so I can get up when I want (except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awoken by the dustmen ) and my DP is an early riser. He would prefer it if we both went to bed earlier as he is very routine driven but he absolutely accepts that my body clock is on a different time zone, so we compromise when we’re together, so if there’s something happening in the evening that requires him staying up a little later he’s happy to join in, and I go to bed earlier than I would at home.

If he gets up before me he will be super quiet and try not to wake me, and ditto if I’m up after he goes to sleep. If I don’t have an alarm set he’ll happily bring me a coffee up to bed when he has his coffee break at about 10am, with no judgment, as he knows I need to sleep until my body says I’m done!

Neither one of us is pathetic, we just enjoy the peace at different times of day (for those who love an early morning walk for the peace and quiet, us night owls enjoy 2am because there’s nobody else around needing us for anything, so it’s not so different, we just don’t tend to enjoy our peace outside!)

Don’t let him dictate what you do. I think your routine sounds very healthy. I wish I could get up at 5.40 for the gym! But I go after work instead because I have more energy in the evenings. My husband has his own thing going on. He’s always up before me and never makes me feel bad for staying in bed an hour or two longer than him. In the night, I often want to stay up longer than he does - and I do, no biggie.

It sounds like he needs to realise that everyone is different (especially men and women at different times of the month - hello luteal phase!!!)

He’s an arsehole for calling you pathetic. You’re not. Your healthy routine works for you. Any man trying to change that can quite frankly piss all the way off.

Your routine of waking at 5.40am to go to the gym is fantastic. Keep that up, excellent for your long term health. You’re not getting enough sleep. You should aim for between 7-8 hours sleep a night. 6 hours is associated with a 5-10% increase in mortality and then it increases as sleep duration decreases. You need to go to bed earlier. You’ve been together for only 7 months. You’re a lark and he’s an owl. You can’t change your natural biology, you can only fight it, which isn’t good for your health. IMHO you are not compatible. Try to find a guy who fits in with your life and routines better. It’s not essential but makes home life so much easier and enjoyable. Good luck!

OP, I don't think the details of his or your sleep patterns are actually the issue here. The problem is that he is calling you and your lifestyle "pathetic" and "childish". That is not ok and a red flag for some quite serious character flaws in him.

He's controlling, self-centred and incapable of compromise. I would run a mile in your shoes.

@tiredoldthing

yes…but he isn’t.
so what you gonna do?

OP, you have had several comments that your routine is “outside the norm’ but it really isn’t. I know quite a few people who are early riser for several reasons, including time to exercise, walking dogs, or just because that’s their personal preference. All the early risers are also early to bed. Does sound like you need to set a pattern that allows you to have between 7-8 hours a day though, so you feel more rested, so you need to be asleep much earlier than 11.

I would say that your DP staying up until 2-3 a.m. is much more outside the norm.
Your sleep patterns are very different and that’s OK, but his calling you ‘pathetic’ and getting in a strop is not. He is trying to force you into what he wants and that does not bode well.

He's a controlling jerk who doesnt want to make any effort for you and insults you. He'll get worse if you give in to his demands because this is the "honeymoon" stage where he should be doing things to please you.

Dump him. Be happy.

I have always been an early riser. I think having all my boys with a small age gap played part in it but i am always in bed by 8pm and definitely asleep by 9. Up most days at 05:45. My husband works in security and as a door supervisor on weekends and when he's not working he finds it very hard to switch off before 2/3am so he isn't up before 11am (suits me find cos he just gets in my way).
But If he called me childish and boring for my sleep pattern, he'd get told where to go bc who the hell do these men think they are? Go talk to ya mam like that bc she might let you but I certainly won't.

Tbh you both just sound a bit silly... people are different, can a lark and an owl be in a relationship? Of course, you just need to understand and respect the other person's needs. I am a night owl (though much less so since having kids) and at first I did scoff that my partner started getting ready for bed at 10pm every night like clockwork but I was being a twat and got over it.

ETA though he should not be calling you pathetic etc., read him the riot act for that.

He Needs to GO.

your health and happiness are better when he's not in your life. Your routine is not abnormal and it works for you.

Don't waste your years being put down by someone who doesn't care about you. Enjoy your life as a lark while you can. I used to but health issues have meant I no longer can. I'm not well I suffer from insomnia blah blah. Don't waste your younger healthier happier years on someone who calls you pathetic for simply having a healthy routine!!

💕

If that's how he speaks and treats you only 7 months in then this is going to get alot worse and you will find yourself in an abusive relationship. Cut him loose.

Never, ever, stay in a relationship with a man who calls you pathetic and boring, is unable to compromise, and gets angry when you suggest it.

This is not about incompatible sleep patterns.
This is about you being in a relationship with a selfish dickhead who has no respect for you and is insulting you and getting angry just because you don't comply with what he wants.

End it.
Never lower your standards for any man.

For those saying going to the gym early every morning is weird, it really isn't! Some people prefer to do their workout in the morning (regardless if that's before work or not) because they generally have more energy. Others prefer to go to the gym straight after work.

It's actually not good for us to lay-in at weekends, it's better for sleep patterns to get up the same time regardless if it's during the week or weekends. However, most of us like a lay-in at the weekend, so it's more common than not that we'll take an extra hour or two in bed!

There's nothing wrong with your sleep pattern OP. I'm up at 6.30 am during the week, so like to be in bed by 10 pm. If my husband goes in the office, he's up at 5.40 am and he likes to be in bed by 9.30 pm. Yes, at the weekend, we do have a lay-in, but are usually awake by 7.30-8 am, because for us that is a lay-in!!

Your partner is having nearly another 3 hours sleep per day than you, so yes, it's easier for him to stay up later! Also as he WFH, he has no commute to/from work, which makes a difference. To call you pathetic is rude and not very nice. You clearly do things after work....socialising with friends, chores etc, so you're not sat on your arse every night exhausted!

You've only invested your time with this man for 7 months, and it sounds as if you're incompatible. Cut your losses and end the relationship.

Neither of you are wrong??? 🙄

So, you think he is justified in called the OP "pathetic" and "boring"? you think him insulting her is a completely appropriate/mature way of dealing with this difference?

Your sleep schedule is not the problem. The problem is that he thinks he can dictate it.

I am up at 5:30am every morning. I drink a cup of coffee and go to the gym before work.

I am tucked up in bed by 9:30pm, and sound asleep by 10pm.

My husband keeps slightly different hours. My sons do as well.

But my sleep/exercise/work schedule is mine. And I will prioritise my good mental and physical health, because it matters.

So what are you going to do, @tiredoldthing ?