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Original poster

My partner and I have different expectations around sleep

417 replies

tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:01

I’m not sure if either of us are being unreasonable here or if it’s just incompatibility.

I’ve been with my partner for seven months. We’ve recently started to stay the night on a regular basis.

I get up at 5:40 in the week, to go to the gym. He is happy to roll out of bed at 8:30, and start work at 9. I don’t wake him in the morning as I leave.

He thinks that the fact I like to be asleep by 11 in the week and midnight at the weekend is “pathetic”. If he had his way we’d be up until 2/3am everyday.

As it stands by Friday I’m exhausted. My eyes are going, I nodded off on the sofa watching the football, and now I’m in bed I’ve been falling asleep. I’ve just about settled down for the night when he’s started to call me boring and said I can cope with a later night because it’s the weekend.

I can obviously have a late night, if I have plans etc., I will. But on an ordinary night I do like my routine because sleep is important to me and I don’t think I get enough of it.

Is one of us being unreasonable? Or are we just incompatible when it comes to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:15

5foot5 · 11/07/2026 00:12

I agree with @LadyGardenersQuestionTime that you both have extreme habits and are probably incompatible.

I am not often in bed before midnight, but I definitely couldn't stay up until 2 or 3 as your DP seems to think normal.

OTOH I would find getting up before 6am for the gym an unusual habit. Is that every day! If so, no wonder you are tired.

Ultimately neither of you is unreasonable but I don't think you really fit together.

Yes every weekday, but on the days he’s not here/im not with him I do get an extra hour to hour and a half of sleep and I feel great!

OP posts:
34567890A · 11/07/2026 00:13

His issue is that he wants you to stay up as late as him. He wants you to prioritise what he wants.
He doesnt care about how many hours of sleep you are getting or not getting.

So he thinks you should sacrifice the gym and the early mornings, to enable you to stay up late with him.

Just dump him and sleep on your own schedule, and dont let anyone make you feel like what they think or want should take precedence over your own needs.

Sleep is under rated!!

5foot5 · 11/07/2026 00:12

I agree with @LadyGardenersQuestionTime that you both have extreme habits and are probably incompatible.

I am not often in bed before midnight, but I definitely couldn't stay up until 2 or 3 as your DP seems to think normal.

OTOH I would find getting up before 6am for the gym an unusual habit. Is that every day! If so, no wonder you are tired.

Ultimately neither of you is unreasonable but I don't think you really fit together.

Pinkflamingo10 · 11/07/2026 00:12

Being called boring pathetic or childish is not ok
sleep is great ! Before I had my three babies I used to get 10/11 hours a night and I loved it ! My gran always said an hours sleep before midnight is worth two after !

HeddaGarbled · 11/07/2026 00:11

You are accommodating his preferences. He’s dissing your preferences. He doesn’t sound very nice.

Original poster
tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:11

nocoolnamesleft · 11/07/2026 00:10

You get up at 05:40 when you don’t have to???!!! Fuck me, that’s insane.

I go to the gym before work. It means my evenings are free and it makes me happy.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 11/07/2026 00:10

You get up at 05:40 when you don’t have to???!!! Fuck me, that’s insane.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2026 00:09

I don’t like him. He doesn’t seem to like you to be so critical and nasty.

Itsthewoluff · 11/07/2026 00:09

You either both compromise or you just aren’t compatible. I’m not sure I could change my sleeping habits even if I wanted to.

Original poster
tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:08

minipie · 11/07/2026 00:07

Well he’s being bloody rude.

Does he not do the maths and realise he’s getting 3 hours extra sleep every morning and that’s why he can stay up later?

He doesn’t care and thinks I should just not set an alarm, or set a late one.

I do suspect I’m on the autism spectrum on some level, and I really hate to have a lie in. I feel like I’ve wasted my day if I do. But I never wake him up when I wake up at the weekend.

OP posts:
ChickenBananaBanana · 11/07/2026 00:07

tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:05

That’s how I feel, but he thinks I’m childish for wanting to be rested. I’m exhausted by the end of the week and I know it sounds silly, but I could cry. I’m so tired

Show quote history

WHY are you wandering to this and making yourself exhausted?!? Go home and go to bed

WomenAndChildrenFirst · 11/07/2026 00:07

calling you boring and pathetic because you are tired? that's not on and it sounds like he's not the one for you

watching football on tv isn't to everyone's liking, did you both want to do that?

minipie · 11/07/2026 00:07

Well he’s being bloody rude.

Does he not do the maths and realise he’s getting 3 hours extra sleep every morning and that’s why he can stay up later?

Original poster
tiredoldthing · 11/07/2026 00:05

1989STAR · 11/07/2026 00:04

If I was up at 5.40 I'd have to be in bed at 9.30 and asleep by 10 so not I dont think you are veing unreasonable but it seems you have different sleep patterns.

That’s how I feel, but he thinks I’m childish for wanting to be rested. I’m exhausted by the end of the week and I know it sounds silly, but I could cry. I’m so tired

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 11/07/2026 00:05

You both have pretty extreme habits, imho. And completely incompatible.

1989STAR · 11/07/2026 00:04

If I was up at 5.40 I'd have to be in bed at 9.30 and asleep by 10 so not I dont think you are veing unreasonable but it seems you have different sleep patterns.

minipie · 11/07/2026 00:03

Neither of you is wrong about sleep although he is certainly wrong to call you pathetic.

You might be incompatible if your different sleep patterns mean you never spend much time together. But maybe you get enough time together from say 7-11pm ?