Family with opposing views

You say, ‘sorry dad, I don’t agree with that. Let’s leave it there.’

You say your dad is kind and generous and would never be unkind to people but still talks about certain groups in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he was running around with skinheads or posting racist stuff online, then this is a different issue but from the sounds of it, he has private views about a religion which he’s not publicly sharing nor is he passing it on to your children.

People are allowed to have a different worldview and if they are not spreading it or harming others, I might not like it, but it doesn’t change how I see them as a person.
I have friends and family members who hold some pretty ‘out there’ beliefs. One family member in particular loves a good conspiracy theory and believes the Covid vaccine also contained some form of silver/metal that can be picked up by scanners. I smile and I nod and it doesn’t diminish my love for her in the slightest. She’s a wonderful person who just happened to fall down an Internet rabbit hole. If it comes up, I just say, ‘well, you know we see the world differently. Best to not talk about it’ and that’s that.

I really don’t think this is a big moral conundrum.

Disagree...

If i held violently racist /sexist views.. Thats EXACTLY what would make me bad...

It's from this wellspring that there are physical attacks....

OP, my mum (now passed away) was racist. Not overtly on a daily basis, in fact she was well travelled, had friends from many countries and even studied Japanese. On the surface, seemingly normal, but deep down, every now and again, something racist would come out.

We'd get to around ANZAC Day and suddenly there would be some sort of racist comment. I'd call her on it and we would move on. We gave her a little leeway as she had lived through the second world war.

She did a lot of looking after our kids when they were little, but the ways she was racist, wasn't exactly anything that would come up in conversation with a toddler. She wasn't always a stellar parent, but she was a bloody good grandparent.

She was the same with homophobia. Not overt, had gay friends, but suddenly sometimes she'd drop a clanger. One very memorable time was when the kids were teens. Something really awful was said during dinner at a restaurant. I couldn't let that one go, and we did in fact have a public falling out over it. It got loud, we both stood our ground and in the end I walked out. I took the teens home with me and left my DH to drive my mother home (enough of us that we had taken 2 cars). It wasn't my best moment, but I don't regret it for a second. At the time, I knew one of my kids was quietly questioning some things about themselves and I wanted them to know that no matter what, we would be there for them.

I guess I'm saying that in some ways, you can't change people. But, if your dad isn't spouting his views to your kids, then I'd let it go (mostly). If it's said in front of you, then do what your DH did and at least gently question those views. At the end of the day, you and your views will have much more influence over your kids. I was able to talk to my kids if something did come up and explain why nana was wrong or silly to hold the views she did.

Because it's my opinion to which I'm entitled.

Maybe one way to reconcile this is to focus on the idea that he is an adult, and you don't need to agree on everything just like any other adult relationship.If you can keep this in mind it will be easier to let things go when the conversation gets uncomfortable.

If you set clear boundaries in your own mind about what you want to discuss when in his company, you should be better placed to deal with him. Less arguments, maybe less current events/politics chat, and ultimately you may find the 'safe' topics are still enjoyable.

Sounds like your DF has long since understood that you don't want to hear it. Make it clear to your OP that you're all for him making it clear that he doesn't either. "I hope you're not saying that to me because you think I agree with you" can be useful. Then refuse to get into an argument. And these views probably won't be mentioned to either of you again.

Well why won’t you say what he said? Frankly bored by the “0mg! Isn’t X just so awful!! I’m not going to say what they said…. But I think it’s awful so it clearly is!!!!!!!!”
why won’t you just tell your dad how awful you think he is? That you and your OH talk negatively about him, you judge him and think he’s awful?
or are you like the smug poster on here who slags off family, but takes their money? @Coldcoffeekindamorning

Ok but that changes nothing.

“It’s a blight in the West”.

I don’t see how you can state with any surety that it’s a “blight in the west” or any different to the past.

My son was very left-wing as a student. He used to go on at me - a middle of the road liberal.

Then he got a job and saw all the deductions from his pay....he was astounded! I had to inform him that governments don't have any money of their own - when politicians, and political blatherers, go on about increasing public spending, it's actually our money they're using.

Young people can be a pain politically as well as oldies.

Well, my inlaws were Conservatives and had some right wing views but nothing obnoxious. I didn't necessarily agree with them, but they had a right to their views like anyone else.

Right wing...what does it mean? It used to mean free-market economics and low-tax, small government...but on MN it seems to be the mark of the devil and put you on a par with Hitler.

Why extend and repeat the Islamopobia?

It's a dog whistle to prejudice

Because OP said her father's comments are Islamophobic.

I am going through the same with a family member, they used to be so accepting and understanding, now they believe England is a Christian country, and anyone who isn't Christian needs to leave, which would mean me, my husband and children, they hate Muslims, listens to Tommy Robinson, Nick Tenconi, etc. Believes the LGBTQIA community needs to be eradicated as marriage is between a man, woman and God! It's so hard as they are literally against me and my family but they don't see it. We try to keep to neutral topics but they continue to make snide comments which become difficult to ignore. My kids don't really want a relationship with them due to this, I'm on the fence as I don't have a lot of family and I miss the person they used to be. I want to keep the relationship with them but it's becoming intolerable.

Agreed. Exactly my point regarding family 👌.

Or rather Chaque a son gout

I think it's common to be sometimes horrified by what your parents or grandparents say. But, I don't think kids necessarily need protecting from hearing this stuff. I say this because when I was a kid, I would listen to some of the things parents said, didn't have the means to challenge it at the time, but inside I'd be thinking "God you are so stupid and ridiculous. Can you be this stupid and ridiculous?" Kids can recognise that adults say weird stuff. If they don't get exposed to it, how are they supposed to develop independent thought. Free speech is important otherwise there is no democracy.

Why does it need to state Muslim Men ..why it could just say men and be equally factual?

Why does the concern exclude the vast majority of rapists?

To each their own.

Racism and that type of thing isn’t ’an opposing view’ and I wouldn’t let my kids be around that.

I didn't make a comparison to anywhere else. Saying there is a problem in the West doesn't assume there aren't problems elsewhere or that there are so yes, REALLY.

If he's an otherwise decent man, I suppose I'd try to see it as him being a victim of the mass of misinformation, exaggeration and hyperbole circulating about Muslim people these days.
If he has no real knowledge of the normal ordinary people who make up the vast majority of the Muslim population, so hasn't seen for himself that there are good, bad and indifferent individuals who follow Islam, just as there are amongst those who don't, then he will have been informed only by high profile cases where perpetrators of crime have happened to be Muslim.
He will also see cases of white British people committing heinous crime, but because he knows from experience this is a minority, he doesn't draw the same conclusions.
There is no fix for people who've got themselves into this mindset, other than having experience to the contrary. And as the rantiest people on this subject tend to be those who don't move in diverse circles, this probably won't happen.
Its disappointing when someone we want to respect is close minded and easily influenced but perhaps it helps to see him in that light rather than as a 'bad person'.

My DS thinks women can have a penis (or at least he says he does). I think those views are very damaging to women and children but I just accept he’s currently suffering from indoctrination after being at uni for a number of years. I still love him, we just don’t discuss that topic.

Evidently I disagree, as an immigrant myself.